Deserae

Chapter 22

I fell asleep almost the moment my head hit the pillow, and it wouldn’t surprise me if I fall asleep before Luna comes up here. Everything we went through, it was so magical, and yet so physically draining that I don’t think I’d be able to do that every day.
A new-found respect for Luna has settled into my soul knowing that, because of her extremely active sex life she did that almost every day for a couple of years. It makes me sad to know that, me and my virgin everything, can’t please her the way some others do, but that she’s willing to try with me anyways. Of course, I want her to be happy as well though, which is what made earlier such a struggle.
My whole life I thought I’d be with a male partner because, 1) it made sense if I ever wanted children, and 2) I didn’t think sleeping with a woman would be nearly as pleasurable as a man. But now that I think about it I realize that a woman would understand my body a lot better than a man would, so I am certainly not disappointed that my first time was spent with Luna.
Ugh, I can’t stop blushing at the thought of it. We were actually a thing, like, a thing thing. She was with me like with all of her other relationships. Does this mean she really wants us to be lovers? I’ve always teased the idea, but I’ve never given it too much thought because I always thought her kindness was temporary. But maybe I was just ignoring the truth and never thinking about her real feelings, I suppose it’s a possibility.
But maybe it didn’t mean anything to her? What if that’s the case? What if she didn’t mean anything by it because she’s done that with so many other people and it’s nothing special to her anymore? But if that’s the case then why would she have waited so long? Doesn’t it make more sense that, if she didn’t care, she wouldn’t have waited this long?
I guess so, but who can be sure without asking? And even if I did I don’t think Luna would take kindly to the question. I would be asking if she felt anything at all for me, and, of course, she would think that means that I still don’t understand why anyone with her dominance and power would ever love someone like me.
My thoughts just keep wandering to that night Luna had not too long ago. It was when she was trying to be kind to me, and trying to be accepting of me instead of torturing me at the drop of a hat, but before I got used to it and made her mad at everything I did. But she still acted like she always had when she was in public, and picked herself up a guy while she was out ‘window shopping’.
Which is just her way of going out into the town and looking around at the newest piece of meat she wants to sink her teeth into.
Luna always gets what she wants with men like this one, and when she spotted that university football player she knew she’d have to have him, so she talked to him and decided to take me back to the castle, then go out for drinks with him later that night. I stayed in her study, which is one door over from her bedroom, to stay out of her way once she came back.
One thing about Luna when she left like that was, either the guy or girl would say ‘no’ and she’d come back furious that she wasn’t going to get laid, or, she came back with their tongue half way down her throat and screwing till dawn. Thankfully for me, that night the guy said ‘yes’, so after a couple hours of drinking she came back ‘wasted’ and ready for anything he threw at her.
But I know Luna, and I’ve seen her drunk before, and I don’t think she was even the slightest bit tipsy. She wasn’t staggering in the slightest and was extremely happy, when she’s drunk she’s always depressed, that’s why I knew it wasn’t real. But nonetheless she crept the guy to her bedroom and they spent the night together.
It was horrible, having to listen to all of their moans and pants but I couldn’t leave, if I left the office I’d have nowhere else to go and Fates know I wasn’t going to sleep out in the hallway again, so I stayed. Hearing her call his name over and over again, feeling the control she had over my mind, the control she established as a sort of mind-link that wolves have, fluctuate with pleasure, it was unbearable, and the feeling only worsened the whole night.
I cried, for an hour straight just sobbing into the pillow because of the welling guilt I felt within me. I can’t say why, but I was so unhappy with her I didn’t know what else to do. It was one of the first times I’d ever cared that Luna was getting laid, beforehand usually I didn’t notice other than the occasional scream of a climax or her biting her partner a little too hard. But I did care, immensely, and it was everything in my power not to go in there and tear him off of her, demanding that he leave and get off my Luna.
But I didn’t, I just cried, praying that she could feel how I was feeling like I could feel her, but she never stopped. She never let up, she never stopped screaming his name, and she never stopped saying how wonderful his body was. Luna kept up, just like always, and left me to pick up the pieces of my heart shattered into a million for reasons unknown.
When morning finally came, she sent the guy off almost as quick as he came. When he made further advancements towards her, she shooed him away like a beggar and told him the deadpan truth, that she felt nothing for him and it was purely a one-night stand, meant for nothing more than her getting a little release. He didn’t take that well and regurgitated all of those words of ‘love’ that she had told him sometime in the night, none of which she claimed to remember.
He was pissed to say the least and said that she was a horrible person to do something like that. To tell someone that she loves them and wants to be with them in that way, then, when the deed was done, throw them out like an old newspaper and move on to the next hot item. She was unfazed by his accusations, and demanded he leave before she called him a rapist and had him arrested.
Neither of them were happy about the way that things turned out, and I thought that it was all going to come back on me. Luna would get mad and want a punching bag, so she would come to me and nearly kill me. Probably call me horrible names and accuse me of horrible actions, probably saying that I enjoyed listening in on her during the night and that I got off on it.
But she didn’t, she didn’t even know I heard her I don’t think. She never mentioned anything after that and has only taken the occasional lover behind closed doors since, but after that one guy, she never really told someone she cared about them. 
I’m not sure if it’s because what he said really hurt her or what, but she never told anyone she was sleeping with she loved them or that she wanted them to stay with her after that guy. And it pains me to say I don’t even remember his name, I feel kind of cold hearted like Luna in that way.
Right when I started to enter that dream-like purgatory right before I fall asleep, the door opened and closed quietly. Luna, I’m assuming it’s Luna, stepped in without turning on the lights and went over to the bathroom, but didn’t turn on the lights in there either. 
After going to the dresser and rummaging around for a bit, there was the sound of fabric moving around like she’s changing clothes. Then the footsteps echoed to be going over to her side of the bed. It pressed down from her weight and shifted closer to me.
Two arms wrapped around me and pulled me closer to her. Luna’s body is so much warmer than mine. My temperature is somewhere in the fifties while hers is in the high nineties, higher than a regular humans but that’s because of her Wolf side.
Luna told me that they have hotter body temperatures because their Wolves do as well, turns out a Wolf’s body temperature is ridiculously hot, only thirty seven degrees. It helps them withstand a constantly changing environment from warm to cold, and it makes it easy to sustain their temperature. It also means they can travel and hunt at night, during the coldest times of the year, without freezing to death.
She tucked my head under her chin and held me close to her chest. “Rae, are you awake?”
I nodded slowly, “Yes.”
“Are you hurting at all? Can I get you anything?” she asked.
“No, thank you. I’m just really tired.” I mumbled against her soft hair. 
She rubbed my back softly, just holding me in her embrace as my muscles relaxed. The shower just didn’t do it for me, I couldn’t get calm. But now I feel like I could sleep forever, simply because Luna’s holding onto me.
I sighed contently and leaned into her even more, slacking completely so that all of  my weight is leaning on her. She ran her fingers through my hair with one hand, her other arm supporting my head from underneath. I relished in the feeling of just her, her hands gently touching me and feeling her heartbeat through her clothes, the little things that I try not to take for granted.
Why can’t things alway be like this? Just us being together without a problem to deal with or a fake marriage to plan. I don’t want to worry about the rest of the kingdom and think about Luna’s ‘image’. With all of her responsibilities and her politics, all of her scholars telling her what to do and what not to do. How, for the betterment of the kingdom, I shouldn’t be a distraction for her.
Why can’t we just run away and be together, alone? Without all of the extra voices telling us what we should do and who we should be.
Maybe that’s just me though, maybe Luna likes everyone pressuring her to be perfect all the time. I mean, her people love her. Even though she’s a tyrant and never answers for anything she does, she rules with an iron fist and never takes ‘no’ for an answer, her kingdom is so excited to have her as Queen.
And I can’t imagine how fortunate I am to be able and be with her all the time. To be able and comfort her when she’s down, to be the voice of reason whenever she gets too angry. Of course, it’s a dangerous position. She does still own me, and, even though we’re in more of a romantic relationship than an owner-pet relationship, she can still do whatever she wants with me.
But I enjoy the risk, I enjoy putting the fears of whatever’s going through her mind aside and putting her first. Maybe it’s stupid of me, and more than likely it’s just going to get me hurt in the long run, but that’s alright. Because I know that, at least for now, she needs me. I want to be here for her.
“Rae?”
“Yeah?”
“I’ve been thinking,” she adjusted to be looking down at me, “after this engagement with William is over, maybe you and I could take a little vacation?”
My heart leapt, “A vacation?!”
“Yeah, just you and me. Maybe we could go up my private villa in the mountains, I think you’d like it there.” She continued to pet my hair while she spoke, but I’m too excited right now to care. “What do you say?”
“Absolutely,” I said, nuzzling into her neck so we were flush against each other, “I would love to go to your private villa with you.” In all honesty, I have no idea what a ‘villa’ is, but, alone in the mountains with Luna? I couldn’t be paid to stay away.