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St. John Lutheran School.

The school I went to for Kindergarten only had Pre-K and K, so I had to transfer schools. Now, this was back in the times when the teachers would do home visits and we would get to know a little bit about the class and things before the year started. I was told that there were some twins that would be in the class and some other people joining. I was nervous, but excited, I'm sure. The first day of first grade I made some friends and I ended up having a crush on two boys. I made friends with Alana, Kloe, Hannah, Mariah, and I'm sure some others that just didn't stick out to me as much. I had huge crushes on Matthew Holm and Zach Noggle. The main things I remember from first grade were all good. I lost my last baby tooth. I got in trouble for a singing competition with Kloe during class. I was the only one who knew indigo went after blue in the rainbow. And, I kept my friends close.

Second grade and third grade I don't remember much of, but then of course, we get to fourth grade. I still had most of my friends and made some more. I still liked the same two boys, but this was the year that I wanted to get some attention. I was obsessed with long nails, which I still kind of am. But, these nails became more than just for fashion. These nails became weapons for me. I specifically remember playing scorpion – where two people would dig their nails into each other until one gave up – with Matthew Holm because he wanted to show me how tough he was. He ended up lasting until we had to go into the gym for after care. He actually started bleeding and I remember begging him not to get me into trouble, so he asked for a band-aid for a small cut he had on his leg or arm. Then there was Brock and Tyler Hebert. Brock was in my grade and Tyler was a year younger than us. These two were the ones I ended up picking on the most. During after care I would literally use my nails and dig into them so that the guys would laugh and watch me. One time I actually made Tyler's neck bleed and his mom called the school. I will never forget the next day in the computer lab when my teacher, Mrs. Johnson, called me over and told me that his mom had called the school. I later went to Tyler and he told me that he didn't snitch, but that his mom had seen the band-aid and asked what happened. I forgive him now. That year, thanks to my first steps towards bullying, was the first year that. I didn't get the Christian Citizenship Award at the end of the school year. I remember tearing up when they didn't call my name.

Fifth grade went by without much happening until the very last day of the school year. I was in after care and I was hanging out with Matthew Holm. We were just messing around when me asking him who he liked over and over got him to admit that he liked Alana back. Alana was known for having a crush on Matthew since they kissed in Kindergarten. I was heartbroken and I actually hid from him for the rest of the time. I think my friend Janessa was the one who stayed by my side and comforted me, while keeping Matthew away so he didn't see me crying. Then came sixth grade.

I can either pinpoint fourth or sixth grade as my downfall. Usually, I'd say sixth because this is the time where I could feel the depression hit. It wasn't until the second half of the school year when basketball season was in where everything started crumbling around me, at least to a sixth grader. I was fed up with a girl who played basketball against us and continuously slapped our hands to get the ball from us and I cussed for the first time talking about the game. This led to more, of course, but it also led to some attention. This is the year that Matthew and I started texting and we were up until late on a school night. He ended up confessing that he liked me and of course I told him I liked him too. I was so happy and we would text every day. One of the days I even gave him a letter I had written him before confessing my love for him. Then after a little bit, Alana, the girl who liked him, said she was over her crush and that she wouldn't want to date him. I was surprised and I questioned why I liked him if his number one fan didn't even like him anymore. Then there was the time where my mom and I went to one of the boy's basketball tournaments that I didn't cheer at and she told me that Matthew wasn't very good at basketball and that I could beat him. That made me not want to be with him even more. The bad thing was, Matthew's mom found out that we had been testing and took his iPod away from him, so I couldn't break up with him over text, no I had to do it in person. So, we were on the playground during recess one day and he found me on the rock wall we had. I saw this as my chance so I took it. Now, I was starting to become way more rude and annoying, so I didn't just tell him like, "Hey, I don't think this is working anymore," no, I cussed him out with every word I could thing of. He got the message. Little did I know that Alana would end up liking him after figuring out that he and I were over. I started hating Taylor Swift after that.

Alana and Matthew didn't last long, but my hatred for her did. We went on for almost a year or more of bullying each other. One time she even told me she wished my parents had left me in China. I remember thinking I wish they had too. You see, school wasn't the real problem. Home was. I didn't like my house and I was bullied at school. There was no place to run to except my bathroom or bedroom where I'd cry myself to sleep all of the time. My mom didn't like her job and she would take out her anger on my dad and me a lot of the time. I felt like shit most of the time. That's basically what I told Alana when I wrote her a note apologizing after my then friend Hannah and her sister Mariah yelled the night before over taking sides. I told Alana that I wanted to run away and that I was taking it out on her like my mom was taking everything out on me. I remember her hugging me afterwards and I thought we had made up. I don't fully remember whether or not that was when we made up or if the bullying continued after. I was just happy that I didn't have to fake hating her anymore. One time she literally asked me why I hung out with her at sleepovers and I told her that it was an easy coverup when, really, she was never a bad person other than when she lashed back at me for my terrible doings. Actually, at one point she was one of my best friends later on.

Alana was the first trial, Delana was the second. Delana had a crush on Matthew after me and I knew it. I didn't think anything would happen with it, so I did my best to help her flirt with him. Then, of course, he ended up liking her and they started dating. I was jealous. I thought, "How could he get over me so fast?" So, I found my next target. I made fun of their relationship constantly and I called her out for everything I could. It got so bad that one time she posted a picture calling me out and tagged me in it. My mom saw it and confronted me about it. I cried and cried when she was talking to me. So, I apologized to her and I thought she had forgiven me. But, why would life get easier on us?

It was a little while later when I happened to like the firs and the last TBH on Instagram. Delana was with her cousin, Sydney, and they were doing them all night. A little while later, the video was uploaded. I was actually super excited, but what she said was that I was rude and that she didn't like me. She said I was terrible to her, even though we never talked. Immediately, I DMed her and begged her to take down the video. I apologized for anything I could think of because she wouldn't tell me why she hated me. I begged her for a while so that my mom wouldn't see the video. I told her I was jealous and that I was sorry for being rude to her before. I told her I didn't even talk to her and that I thought when we were laughing it was a good thing, but she told me not talking to her didn't give me a reason to be mean to her. I didn't know what else to say when my mom came into the room. I saw her, took a second, and started bawling. My mom came and sat on my bed and told me that the iPad had my Instagram on it, so she could read the messages. She tried to reassure me that she wasn't mad and that she didn't understand why I hadn't been forgiven. I just sat there crying until she left. After a while, I either fell asleep or she stopped answering.

I remember walking into the classroom the next day and I couldn't help but start crying. A few of my friends tried to comfort me, so I told them what happened and cried that much harder. It ended up that my friend's mom got the teacher and he talked to me. He asked about my home life. I told him someone had just said something mean to me. He asked who, but of course everyone knows that would make everything worse, so I didn't snitch. Delana even came up to us while we were talking to give him a paper. She deleted the video later that day.

I wish I could tell you that was it. After the bullying and the mess with my mom, I got better. I never got better. I got worse.