Update Two.

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Today is January 22, 2020. I am sitting in my bed drinking my cranberry-grape juice thinking about these past few months. I am thinking about all that has changed, while thinking about school, work, training for a job, wedding planning, my old friends, my family, tomorrow's surgery (don't worry it's only my wisdom teeth), the next words I will type, my dog laying beside me faithfully, and the acne that haunts my whole face due to all the the thoughts constantly running through my mind. 

These last few months have been complicated to say the least. My fiance came home for Christmas break. That was when he officially proposed and we decided to change our plans. Before Christmas, we were getting married in June and I was going to get a job here at home. Next thing you know, we are getting married in February. It just happened one night and now here we are. I went back to USI for a week, said goodbye to my clients, packed up all of my stuff, and moved back home for now. 

My acne was already getting worse by then. I say finals started it, but once break hit my face only got worse. I tried to ignore it. I tried to accept myself and see what others see in me behind the red scars all over my face. It only worked for so long before the acne got so bad I started where I was years ago, not being able to look at my face for too long before the tears start building. I asked myself what the hell was happening to me and did everything I could to stop it, which only made it worse. I keep telling myself I am in a good place. I should be celebrating every day that I am getting exactly what I wanted for so long. But that's the thing, now that I'm getting what I want, everything that I was dreaming has suddenly become reality. I am getting married in less than a month to my best friend, but there is so much more to my every day.

You see, every day I now wake up around 6:30. I get ready, I take my multivitamin, Vitamin D, B-12, iron, my new prescription of Pristiq, and my new prescription for my acne. I put on my new acne cream. I put my brave face on since I don't want to put makeup on and risk making my skin worse, but can't bear to look in the mirror at my pizza face. I put on my outfit. I let my dog out. I eat a small breakfast. I do whatever I need to do. But, what do I all need to do?

I need to organize my room. I need to pack what I don't need but am bringing with me whenever I move to Georgia - which could be later than we are preparing for, who knows. I have to clean the house to make some extra cash. I have to take a kid to school early in the morning. I have to train to become a registered behavioral technician. I have to figure out college since I am transferring to an online college and have to keep up with whatever I need to do. Which, now, I can register for classes, but I am waiting for a reply to whether or not I should wait so that I can get a military discount once I'm married. I have to constantly be looking at houses and apartments. I have to look into apartments and figure out if they are even worth considering. I have to figure out if I need and AirBnB to stay at for a week when I go to Georgia to marry Alex. I have to eat better. I have to exercise. I have to have some sort of "me time" thrown in there. I have to get enough sleep. I have to save money. I have to figure out if I am taking in my cousin's dog or if we are going to have to look at shelters for a dog. I have to figure out what sort of budget we are going to have. Alex continuously throws numbers at me and I don't know what changes; if it's good or bad, if I should be changing my search for an apartment, if I should be relieved or worried. I have to be a counselor for a friend. I have to have my phone near me at all times in case someone about college or an apartment or anything important comes up. I have to be ready to answer Alex because I only get about 4 hours a day to talk to him before he goes to sleep and prepares for the next day. I have to do laundry. Sometimes I take Alex's siblings places and hang out with them. I have to pee and poop. I have to shower. 

Those are just the things I have to do all of the time, but there's more. I think about Dexter, a dog that I loved at Uncle Bills. I think about Nik who I have lost touch with because I think he secretly hates me and doesn't want to be my friend. I think about Mariah because no matter how much I hate her now, she was a huge part of my life for 12 years. I think about her laugh and how we would build off of each other, which would make others laugh at us. I think about how our families loved each other. I think about how toxic our relationship really was. I think about all the fake friends I had since they only liked me because I was friends with the Mielkes. I think about how lonely I am. I think about how fast everyone moved on without me. I think about suicide. I think about books I want to read. I think about my future. I think about my future career. I think about my future house. I think about my future family. I think about decorating my future home. I think about cooking for my husband and me. I think about sex. I think about shows I have watched. I think about comments that have stuck out to me from years ago to just the other day. I think about how people must think I'm pregnant or crazy. I think about how people are constantly judging me behind my back. I think about how so many think I'm rude and too honest. 

I think and I think and I think.

I think until I'm too tired to think anymore so I sleep for hours on end. Then I am judged for sleeping too much. I lose time that I could have spent on something productive which makes me hate myself. Then I sleep more because I managed to depress myself and I want to sleep it off. Next thing you know, the whole day has gone by and all I have done is try to sleep my misery away. 

I've been to three therapists. Only one of them has asked me what I think I wanted out of the sessions. I told her I didn't know. I used to want to go to therapy so badly, but I never knew why. I was told it would help me. I was told it would fix me, but I never knew what needed to be fixed. I was just told, so I did it. 

All these years I have spent losing myself. I have spent not figuring out who I was, but who everyone wanted me to be. I stopped trying to see a girl who I wanted to be years ago because I had no idea who I wanted to be. I never thought to choose myself over others because I didn't want to lose them or upset them. I knew what I would lose if I finally chose me and every time I got close, I broke and I chose them; over and over and over again. I still choose them more than I choose myself, but I'm three weeks away from becoming someone who is far enough away from my influences that I can figure out who I want to be. 

I'm going to figure out who I am and choose that person over and over and over again until it kills off those who still, despite everything, would choose someone else over me.

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