Before You Go [N.H]

4.2 - Everywhere - Wales

Lucy's POV

'So? How're things going with Niall?' Jamie asks me while she's hanging out at my place with a glass of wine and some snacks, our regular Tuesday night.

'Umm good? He told me he loved me, disappeared for a few days, came back and brought me back to life. We spent New Year's together. Slept at his house. Still didn't bring up what happened, and I'm just waiting. Like a bomb that's about the explode. The "sorry I didn't mean it, it slipped out and I felt too awkward to tell you that it's not true but I just don't want to lead you on." I'm just so confused Jamie... I don't know what to do, say or feel.'

'Right, so this has nothing to do with you feeling guilty for not saying it back?'

'I don't love him! I'm not gonna say that I do when I don't. And I'm not gonna say that I don't because who does that? No one wants to hear that.'

'Okay. But explain to him. That you do have feelings for him. That you haven't quite figured them out yet.'

'I... I don't want to have feelings for him!!'

'Why not??'

'Because! Feelings hurt! We're gonna break up eventually! And it will be horrible! I'm not stable enough mentally to risk exposing myself to that!'

'But at the same time, you do have feelings for him! You know you're enjoying his company, and you're enjoying being close to him. I mean you let him kiss you, that alone is enough to know that you want to be with him. And not just physically.'

'Ahhh!! This is so confusing!!! I know I want to! So much! I love being with him! He makes me feel warm, protected, loved. And yes dare I say, Happy. But I'm still convinced that a relationship wouldn't work.'

'Hold on! Didn't you already agree to be his girlfriend?'

'I did! But it was an impulse yes! I mean we were on a freaking boat! Who does that! I tell you who! No one! How can I say no to someone who goes above and beyond for me? Someone I appreciate and care for. Someone who gives me butterflies in my stomach whenever he touches me, kisses me and plays with my hair.'

'So you regret saying yes?'

'I don't know... Maybe? No? I just... ugh... saying that I love him makes it... real?'

'And real is scary...'

'It fucking is!'

'Well, then you have to face your fears. Honey, it's okay to have feelings. Feelings are good. You have to let yourself have feelings for him. It's okay. It's healthy. Once you accept that everything will be okay.'

My phone starts ringing, I quickly check it to see if its Niall, or else I'll ignore it. But it is, so I pick up the phone and answer the call.

'Hey, darling, what are you up to?' He asks.

'Just hanging out with Jamie. What about you?'

'I was just about to go out with my friends, thought that I'd ask if you want to join.'

'Oh. I would but I'm already all settled in with Jamie.'

'Yeah, it's okay. Hey, I was wondering if you're free this weekend. I was thinking we could go on a trip. You know, outside of London. Get a little fresh air.'

'Umm... Yeah... I guess we can do that...'

'I sense some hesitation.'

'No, not at all?'

'What is it then?'

'Nothing, Niall. Everything is okay.'

'You know you can tell me anything. I'm here for that.'

'I know. Umm. I have to go I'll call you later. Bye.' I hang up the phone without letting him even say bye.

'What was that all about?' Jamie asks confused.

'Niall wants us to go on a weekend away from London...'

'Yeah? So? That's a great idea!!'

'I don't know... What if? Umm... I don't know... I'm freaking out.'

'Why? It's not the first time you're all alone with him. It's not the first time you spend the night. Why are you freaking out?'

'Because! Last time I froze.'

'You froze?'

'Yeah! We just got into bed, cuddling to sleep supposedly. And then we started kissing. But I knew it was going somewhere so I just froze. And I felt so embarrassed. And it will happen again.'

'I'm sure he understands. Just talk it out with him. Babe, he's your boyfriend now. You're still acting as if he's just your crush! Open up to him, be real with him. Stop holding yourself back on him.'

That night she gave me a lot to think about. And my mind never found peace. The whole ride to the cottage in this remote and beautiful little welsh town is completely silent. On my part anyway. He keeps trying to talk to me but I don't answer and just stare at the road on my left. He even tried to get me to join in as he's singing the songs from his car playlist, but I disappoint him.

We get to the cottage and settle in. He sighs as we get inside, and closes the door maybe a bit louder than he intends to. It's not anger on the face I'm trying to avoid looking at. It's more like confusion, frustration, and cloudiness.

I pour myself a glass of water, walk towards the window in the kitchen and just stand there leaning over the window sill. He comes behind me and wraps his arm around my waist, resting his head on my shoulder.

'Talk to me, darling. Please. I can't stand when you're shutting yourself off from me. I can't help you if I don't know what wrong.'

'It's not your job to help me.'

'Yes it is!'

"No, it's not!'

'Yes! It absolutely is! Of course, it's my job. You're my... I lo-... It's my job! If I don't do something about it, I'll never stop worrying about you. I want to make sure you're happy and comfortable and have everything you need! But I can't do that for you if you're leaving me out of your thought process.'

'I don't know how to put it into words.'

'It doesn't have to make sense. Just talk. Anything. What's bothering you. Are you upset because of what happened at new year's? Because that is totally okay. If you're not ready I understand. Just take your time and when you want to do it, we can do it. And if you don't want to do it, then that's fine too.'

'It's not just about that.'

'Then?"

'What if I'm not good enough? Not just in that specifically. But in everything too. I mean you do so much for me, it's only fair I treat you the same! And it's just difficult to keep up with you! Plus I'm so fucked up and my heart isn't beating properly. What if I just don't love you as much as I should? As much as I want to? I'm just so broken. And I don't know how to fix myself up. And I don't expect you to do that for me. So yeah I'm constantly doubting myself. Doubting if I'm good enough for you. Maybe I'm better off on my own.'

'Luce, Darling. You are one of the most amazing and the strongest women and people I've ever encountered. You've been through so much, half of which I don't even know about, and yet your still here, still having hope, still having that light in your eyes, in your smile, your laughs. So please, try your best to not doubt yourself. Not with me anyway. And about your heart... let it be. Love takes time. So don't lose hope cause I sure won't.'

And so I kiss him deeply. He just knows the right buttons to push to make me feel better. I wish I can have him around me at all times. So I wouldn't get bad again. But I can't be that dependent on him. And I certainly can't be that selfish.