Before You Go [N.H]

4.4 - Everywhere - Home

Lucy's POV

'Tell me everything!! How was your weekend?' Jamie interrogates me as soon as she gets to my place half an hour after I get here.

'It was just perfect! I love how I feel when I'm with him! I love the serenity, the warmth. I think I'm genuinely happy with Niall. I don't know I've never felt like this before!!'

'Awww!!! It's finally happening!! You're finally falling in love!'

'Shut up!!'

'Why? It's the truth no?'

'I don't know! I'm not sure! I've never been in love before... I don't know how it feels... How can I be sure that this is really it when I have nothing to compare it to?'

'When it's true love, when you're really in love, you'll know it! It would be the only thing that makes sense!'

'What a load of crap!'

'Excuse me?'

'It's not that easy! It's not that straightforward! It shouldn't be! How can it be? I'm in a constant battle between my heart and my mind. Logic versus Love. And I don't think that I'm anywhere near making sense of everything that's going on inside me. But just cause I'm not sure or I don't "know it" doesn't mean that it's not true!'

'I didn't mean it like that...'

'All I know is... I enjoy spending my time with him. I'd rather be with him at all times than anywhere else but I know this is not feasible. I miss him when he's gone, I always want to call him or text him but I don't want him to think I'm annoying or clingy so I never do... When I'm with him... I don't feel... as messed up... It's not that he fixes it or make me forget about it. I just feel understood and accepted...'

'Aww! I'm so happy and glad you feel like this!' She gushed but then her face fell into a frown, 'wait, does this mean we don't make you feel as understood or accepted?' She pouts.

'Accepted sure... Understood? I don't know maybe... Look, don't get me wrong I love you all so much... And don't mistake me saying this as me wanting you to change your attitude with me. But the difference is that you guys act with me as if I'm normal, as if I don't have all those issues... And I do need that. But I also need someone like Niall. Someone who moulds everything we do, everything he says, just everything around my comfort. He even tried to use that to extend my comfort zone, sort of.'

'Yeah okay, I see your point... That's good I guess. That you found that in him and that he treats you so nicely. You really deserve it!'

'Thank you!!' I hug her tightly. 'I'm sorry that we've been hanging out less. Between before I was depressed and shutting myself off and now spending a lot of time with Niall. I'm sorry... but I promise I'm not abandoning you. I'm always here for you and your problems. Please don't feel like you can't tell me about your problems because of mine. Cause I'm trying to remember but honestly I can't think of when was the last time you talked to me about it.'

'I'm fine, don't worry about me... Just focus on getting better. If you need time with Niall I get it. I know you're not leaving me. You wouldn't do that to me. Not after what...' She shuts herself up, not being able to hold back the tears.

The thing is, her sister just suddenly out of nowhere decided to move on to the other side of the planet when Jamie was only 14. They were very close and she looked up to her older sister in everything. She didn't understand why Charlotte left, or why she wouldn't return her calls. Since then she hasn't been able to trust anyone.

Well, I happened to be the exception to the rule but even with me, she had trouble letting me in. Until one night 2 months into being roommates back in university, we got drunk, she kissed me, then burst into tears. While sobering up she told me her whole story. How her sister abandoned her, how she was considering coming out to her because she was the only one she could trust that she'll accept her. How when Charlotte left her confidence crumbled apart. All the things she did to rebel but later on regretted.

'It's gonna be okay. I'll always be here for you. You know that. It's gonna be okay I promise.'

We spend the next few hours cheering ourselves up and catching each other up with what we missed. But then Niall calls.

'Hey Darling!'

'Miss me already Niall? It's been only a few hours.'

'I really do!' He chuckles. 'But actually that's not why I'm calling. I was just unpacking and somehow your clothes and mine got mixed up. I have some of your clothes and I'm missing some of mine.'

'What really? How's that possible? I usually double-check everything!!'

'Guess this time you didn't. Anyway, free tonight? Maybe you could come over or I could come over and do the switch? And I don't know, maybe while we're at it we can spend the night together...'

'Aww I'd love to, but bad timing. I'm with Jamie now. She needs me.'

'No no, go! I'm fine.' Jamie whispers.

'Oh... it's okay... ' He sighs.

'Are you missing anything you need for tonight or tomorrow morning?' I ask.

'Besides you? No, not really...'

'Aww!! You're adorable!! I'll be there tomorrow by noon. But tonight I'm sorry. I gotta stay home with Jamie.'

'Yeah, no problem. See you tomorrow. Goodnight!'

'Goodnight Niall.'

I hang up with him only to earn a punch from Jamie.

'You idiot!' She yells at me.

'Ow! What did you do that for!!' I wince.

'Why didn't you go to him?'

'Because! I'm with you now! I won't leave my best friend to hang out with my boyfriend! That's not how it works! We gotta have some boundaries! He can't just call me up and I'll go running to him!'

'Ugh, why are you making this so hard! There's nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with him!'

'I know! But I have principles. You come first. At least when you need me!'

'I don't need you. You can go. Your services are no longer required!'

'You don't get to choose that. And I say you need me. So shut up, eat your damn popcorn and watch the stupid movie!'

'Okay, now I'm starting to worry something is wrong. This is like you top 3 favourite movie of all time! You would never call it stupid. Why don't you want to see Niall. What happened?'

'Nothing!' I croak.

'Obviously.' She chuckles half-heartedly.

She pulls me into a hug, forcing me to let go of my hold on myself and let myself cry.

'You were just talking about how happy he makes you! What happened?'

'I don't know...'

'Here we go again! Yes you do! Just say it... Do you miss him? Is that it? But no if you do you would've gone to him. What's wrong then?'

'I just... I hate that I'm getting attached to him. I hate that I'm growing to be so dependent on him! I hate that the only way I know how to cheer myself up and feel somewhat normal is through him. Because he's not gonna be here forever! There will come a time where he'll leave. And when it happens, I'll end up worse than I was in the first place. But I feel powerless to change that. Or not feel that way...'

'Ohh, baby!! I completely understand that! I wish I knew how I could help with that. But I know that he likes you a lot, possibly even more, so maybe just talk to him about it...'

'Yeah, maybe I should...'