Before You Go [N.H]

7.4 - Roommates - Secrets

Niall's POV

Lucy is out tonight catching up with Jamie after she came back from her trip. I asked Lucy if she'd like to keep sleeping over for a few more days and after some convincing, with some help from Deo, she agreed.

'So...' Deo asks eagerly.

'Yeah?'

'Did you talk to her?' He asks and I roll my eyes.

He's obviously taking advantage of being alone with me to bring the subject up. And honestly, I've been trying to avoid that all week. But can't exactly tell Lucy she can't go out. And I don't feel like going out. Who am I gonna go out with anyway? All my friends are his, so he would've tagged along and found a way to ask me about it.

'No. I didn't. Yes, I know! I'm an idiot blah blah blah! Leave me alone.'

'She needs to know. I told you before. If you don't tell her I will.'

'I mean she did ask about my past relationships. And I answered truthfully. Except I didn't tell her the whole truth.'

'You left out the part where she killed herself and you're blaming yourself for that and for the better part of your relationship with Lucy you were just using her to make up for your mistakes until you actually fell in love with her?'

'If you want to put it like that yeah... Wait, hold on! So you don't still think that I'm using her? You changed your mind?'

'I didn't change my mind. I was right about what I said. It's just with time... you changed. You fell in love with her. And I was afraid that wouldn't happen and that's why I reacted the way I did. But then you did fall in love with her. So I backed off and let you be.'

'I didn't even realise...'

'I can pinpoint to the exact moment I knew you're in love with her for sure.'

'When she try tried to...'

'When she almost hurt herself. Yes. At that point, everything changed. At that point, it stopped being about May and became about her. Because you thought about what would happen if you lost her. How your life would be meaningless without her. And how you think your life is worthless without her. She's a part of you now and nothing will ever change that.'

'Why didn't you ever tell me that?'

'I didn't think you'd appreciate me digging through your phone's note.'

'You did what???' I shout.

'I was worried about you!' He shouts back justifying. 'You hadn't come home for days. You'd been with her the entire time. You didn't tell me in details about what was going on! I was worried about how you were feeling. And then you came home because you needed new clothes. You left your phone in the living room... I got in. I didn't know what I would find or how to find it. But there was nothing in your chats so I went through your notes. And I saw it there.'

'I feel better writing down my thoughts. At the time, I couldn't talk to her about what I was feeling, I needed to be strong for her. But on the inside, I felt like I was crumbling apart. And I didn't feel like there's anyone I could talk to. So I wrote it down.'

'That's actually a great idea! It's never healthy to bottle up emotions and thoughts. So if you can't find someone to talk to about it. Writing it down is a great solution!'