That Night

1.1

I wished last night never happened, or at least be erased from Kade's memories. Or that I could stay in my bed forever and avoid everything and everyone, specifically Kade. Or never wake up and forget what I did the previous night. What I impulsively did because Kade was looking at me with those big hazel eyes, his body too close to mine, his mouth just a breath away; and I couldn't take it anymore.

I cannot believe I fucking kissed him.

Thank god no one saw us, we pulled apart before anyone could walk in on us and then Kade just began laughing, probably too drunk to process what had happen. Hopefully too drunk to remember. Then I drove him home and went home myself, not getting a wink of sleep.

But he kissed me back,

And that was more troubling then the fact that I confessed. I did not know what to make of it, him kissing me back as hard as I did, and him initiating the second kiss, and the third, and the fourth. He pulled me back in as soon as I pulled away, and like the tide, I followed the moon desperately, helplessly, forever chasing something so far yet so close.

My phone buzzed besides my bed and I dread what it was about, but curiosity got to the better of me and I checked. It was just some meme from Blake. The dread did not fully disappear, disappointment might had made an appearance.

My stomach rumbling reminded me that I do have to function even though I might just be in a midlife crisis. Life must go on.

I dragged myself off the bed, went to the bathroom, and went downstairs for breakfast. Baakjuk and jauzaagwai were already laid on the dining table.

"Zacharias," my parents said, I smiled and got my bowl of baakjuk (congee) and the longest jauzaagwai (Chinese fried dough). I nodded in acknowledgment at my sister who just stared back and then turned her attention back on her phone. I went back upstairs with my breakfast, telling my parents that I wanted to finish some homework.

I spent breakfast contemplating life. I still hadn't heard back from Kade, which was normal since he was probably still sleeping and wouldn't be up until dinner. I did not know how am I ever going to face him, and what to do at this point.

I heard the door opposite to me closed and I hopped off bed. Knocking on Daisy's door, I opened it when she shouted, "yeah?"

Her room's layout was similar to mine; bed against the windowsill, desk opposite to the bed, wardrobe next to desk. However, the posters of her favourite shows covering every inch of her walls distinguished my room from hers. You would not know the walls were white if not for the ceiling. Laying on her bed, watching her laptop, Daisy did not look up when I went in.

But she looked at me and even paused her tv show when I announced, "I kissed Kade,"

She turned off her laptop, sat up straight and look at me with an unreadable expression. Suddenly, a huge grin took over her face and she exclaimed, "finally! And then?"

A breath I didn't realise I was holding escaped me, and when she gestured for me to sit on her bed I did. "Well, he kissed me back?"

"That's great!" She looked genuinely happy for me. Just like on the day I came out to her as bisexual. School had just ended and summer break had just started, and I realised that I like Kade, and that I may not be as straight as I thought I was.

I wanted to come out to my family, but I was terrified, and at the same time I needed to tell someone. I was panicking and walking miles in my room when Daisy knocked and I didn't noticed and she came in. Then I dropped the bomb.

"I'm bisexual," I blurted out, the words leaving my mouth before I could stop them.

"Okay, mom asked if you want lasagna or mac and cheese for dinner," she said it so casually I repeated myself.

"Yes I heard you, so do you want lasagna or mac and cheese? I'm thinking about lasagna," I stared at her dumbfounded. I was expecting more reaction.

"Okay I'll tell mom that you want lasagna," and she turned and left, but then added, "you know, I'm glad that you told me, and whatever you are, bisexual, homosexual, pansexual, I still find you as annoying as always."

"I love you too," I shouted after her. I had felt lighter than since I figured myself out, relief was a sweet and euphoric feeling.

Just the other day, she bursted into my room and said, "you didn't tell me that you like Kade,"

I could still remember how I almost had a heart attack, "what who told you? Or did you figure it out yourself?"

"Kade,"

My face must had been drain of colour because she quickly added, "not directly," I could feel air rushing back into my lungs, "he asked me what does zung ji nei means and he told me you told him that and of course I figured it out,"

"You didn't tell him right?" I might had to escape back to Hong Kong if she did.

"No, it's not my place,"

"Thank god," there was no one else I would ever want for as my sister.

"You should confess to him, in English," she said.

"And had him be disgusted? No," Kade was the straightest guy I had ever known, and he was Christian.

"Maybe you'd be surprise," and she swiftly changed the subject.

"So what's the problem?" She asked, bringing me back from my memories, I didn't realise I zoned out.

"He was drunk,"

"Zac," she groaned, "you didn't even ask for consent before kissing him!"

"I know," I closed my eyes and sighed, "you see the problem now. He might not even remember, or think that it was a dream, or maybe just us being drunk, or-"

"You really have to tell him," she fixed her glasses that had slid down her nose.

"No, I really don't,"

"Yes, you have to, you already kissed him and he kissed you back! Those are great signs, and Kade is not a bad person, if he doesn't like you that way he will tell you and I swear he is not homophobic. If he is Emma and I will kick his ass," Her weird pep talk was surprisingly reassuring.

I thought over her words. I had known Kade for so long I couldn't remember life before I met him. We were always together, Kaden and Zacharias, Zac and Kade. We were the pair, the duo, the best-friends-for-life kind of thing.

"I'll think about it," I would need a lot of time to process, but I had to see him on Monday, so I didn't even have time to overthink.

"Or do you want to tell mami and dad first?" Good question, I had no idea.

"I have no idea," I said, since when did I know what I am doing? Why couldn't life be easier, I could be straight then I wouldn't have these problems.

"Maybe you can come out to them first, unless you want to drop two bombs at the same time,"

"Two?"

"Yeah that you are bisexual and dating Kade,"

I snorted, "as if I could ever date Kade,"

"Trust me, I feel like he likes you too," she insisted, I raised my eyebrow, she raised hers back at me.

"Okay for my sake I hope so too,"

"Okay now that you have your crisis can I go back to Scott's crisis? I am in the middle of a very good episode," she didn't wait for me to reply before turning her laptop on.

I smiled, "yeah sure, go care about your fictional characters more than your own brother,"

She rolled her eyes and didn't reply.

I got off her bed and closed her door softly. I let out a relief sigh. I couldn't imagine what I would do if I had no one to talk to, probably go insane and do something even more irreversible.

Then the fact that I had to come out to my parents and confront Kade was like an ice bucket dumped on me. How could I ever forget.

Fuck.