Promise from the heart

Chapter 44

Jordan's heart broke as he saw Charlie slide down from the bed and when he heard his cries, the noises he made... Even dying would hurt less than hear Charlie break down like that in front of him. And it was all Jordan's fault. He was the one moving to a different country. He was the one who chose the prospect of a family over his own boyfriend. The boyfriend whom he owed not only his own life to, but his uncle's life as well.

He could see where his uncle and his uncle's husband were coming from and he knew they wanted the best for him. But how could leaving Charlie be what was best for him? They owed him everything. He was actually quite angry with both himself and his uncle for agreeing with James so easily. Jordan didn't think either of them  showed Charlie an appropriate amount of gratitude. It was like the couple had forgotten everything that had happened while Carl was in a coma...

Travelling to Ireland, settling in, going to school there and making friends there - he knew he could do that. But leave Charlie? Get over Charlie? Just imagining it made him feel like his heart was caught in a bear trap.

Why was the Universe against them so? They both nearly died but they survived and now, when they're supposed to have the time of their life together, it was all ending. The Universe can be such a bitch sometimes.

Jordan gently leaned forward and pulled Charlie up from the floor and back into his arms. He was shaking violently and his sobs had turned to swift shallow breaths.

"Char?" he asked worriedly.

He didn't respond. He couldn't.

"Char, love, I need you to breathe. Please, please breathe for me. Deep breaths."

His breathing didn't slow down. Instead they stopped and he collapsed. Suddenly he was lying there limp in Jordan's arms, and Jordan started to panic.

"No, no, no, no. Love? Char, love, please wake up." he begged as he gently laid Charlie down beside him, tilting his chin up, preparing to give him CPR.

After a few minutes of CPR, when Jordan was about to break down completely, Charlie finally coughed and came to. He looked around dazed and his skin was white as a sheet. His eyes were red and puffy, his cheeks covered in dried tears and his nose was running. Even his lips were pale white.

"You're awake" Jordan breathed relieved.

"What happened?"

"I think you had a panic attack. You were hyperventilating and then you just collapsed."

Charlie frowned. "That has never happened before."

That didn't make Jordan relax at all.

"I hope it never will again." Jordan murmured against Charlie's shoulder. He kissed it and kissed his chest before he settled there, and wrapped his arms around him.

"I guess you took my breath away," Charlie joked and laughed breathlessly, still a little out of it.

But Jordan didn't laugh. Instead he felt guilty and worried. Because of him, Charlie literally stopped breathing. And he hasn't even left yet. What would happen when he did leave? And how would Jordan survive not being able to see Charlie, touch him, hold him or even hear his voice? The very thought terrified him.

"Jordan?"

"Yeah?" He leaned into Charlie's touch as his fingers massaged his scalp and twisted in his hair.

"You okay there?" Charlie gently asked.

"I'm worried."

Charlie hummed. "About?"

"I don't want to leave you. I don't want you to hurt without me, and I don't want to hurt without you. This is all my fault. I'm selfish and ungrateful and even though I owe you everything, I still chose having a family over you." He wept against Charlie's chest. "I'm not done with you." His voice broke on the last word and Charlie's hands stilled in his hair.

Charlie closed his eyes and grimaced in pain as the tears trickled down his cheeks again. "I know." he whispered. "I love you."

"I don't deserve to tell you that, but I love you too. So much."

Jordan held onto Charlie even tighter and he could feel his tears drizzle down run down Charlie's chest, but he couldn't stop them. They both held on to each other for dear life, only letting go to kiss each other once in a while. Dinner could wait. Getting dressed could wait. Anything else could wait. All they needed then and there were each other. Even though they were in each others arms, they could feel the other slip between their fingers and it terrified them both.

Tomorrow everything would be over.

Tomorrow they would be torn apart.

Sure they could try to make it work with phone calls and video calls and visits. But in their hearts they both knew that they needed someone they could keep close. They needed the other's warmth.

Tomorrow meant the end of Jordan and Charlie, but not the end of their love. Neither was done loving the other. First loves tend to end badly, but you will never stop loving your first love. Some part of you will always go on loving them. Some day the two may be able to think back on each other and think fondly of their time together. But that day would be years, decades into the future, if ever.

For now, and for a long time ahead, it would only hurt. It would hurt them both like a thousand needles raining down on them. The grief from the other's absence would take their breath away. They would wake up nights screaming the other's name. They had given their hearts to each other and no matter what, when they were apart, they were living life with half a heart, half a soul. Without the other, they were incomplete. And from tomorrow onward, that was how they would have to learn to live. Incomplete and with a broken heart.

But for tonight, and until morning, they would hold on to each other and love each other with everything they had. They would kiss and make love and whisper sweet nothings to each other. They would talk about how their life together could have been, and still might be someday. If they were meant to be, they would find each other again. They would put the weeks, months, even years worth of love that they might have had together into this one night, and try their very hardest not to think about what tomorrow would bring.

They would memorise every inch of the other. Memorise the kisses, the way they felt in each other's arms. The scent and the safe warmth they felt from the other when they laid enveloped with nothing between them.

It would come to be a night they both thought back on, fondly and mournfully for years to come...

***

Ariel had decided to stay over with the boys at her friends house. She sensed Charlie and Jordan needed the night together. Come morning, she awoke with a very uneasy feeling though. Something wasn't right.

"Ariel?"

She turned around and saw her sister standing there. "Agatha?"

Agatha's form was faint, but you could see the expression on her face clearly. It was one of pure sorrow.

"It's Char. He needs you. Leave the children with your friend, and go to him now. You must hurry!"

Ariel began collecting herself and gathered her things in a rush. She ran to her friend to tell him she had to go away for a little while and asked him to care for the children. Her friend quickly agreed. The children were thankfully still asleep.

Before she ran out the door she turned around as she faintly felt a gentle touch brush over her shoulder.

"Please save our boy."

Ariel's heart sank in her chest. She gave her sister a sharp nod and then she ran.