letting go
oh how i just want to stuff all thats left of this year in a box, seal it tightly and happily throw it away.
2019, you were not my year im afraid.
well, of course theres been good parts here and there, and all those memories am i going to protect, but to be honest, if theres a god, he definetly didnt want me to be "tripping on my toes" out of this year, or whatever you say. nevertheless, this year has been testing me. and i feel like there werent really any pauses or breaks from this "wonderful" test. im surprised i havent broke down yet. or maybe i have. multiple times. somehow being stubborn enough to try to fight through it, but man, i dont want to feel like this.
if there happen to be a single soul ever reading this, thank you for taking part of my messy mind, and if you happen to relate even a little bit, remember one thing; youre not alone. im here too. were fighting. life is shit at times, but lets not forget that theres beautiful at times too. im even surprised i can sit here, making those words come out from me, because i dont understand how ive been managing all this sadness that has been put on my shoulders. over and over again.
to sum up the year shortly; my mind has been chaotic, if i thought i was an overthinker before, i knew nothing. ive been more stressed than ever, and im surprised it didnt get the very best of me. still stressed though. still overthinking too. wow. wonderful. i lost my grandpa. the very first person close to me ive ever lost. all i want to do is to make him proud. but i dont always know if i am something to be proud of. artist and actors that has meant a lot to me has passed away, like cameron boyce, and today, Jarad Higgins. so i can at least say that ive learnt that life is fucking unfair this year. ive been sadder than ever at times. ive been more confused than ever. probably had 210459 life crisises. and then to the hardest part. seeing your family get ripped apart. being hurt by the one person i were so afraid of going to hurt me. seeing my nearest breaking down in the kitchen. knowing how bad they feel. knowing how bad you want to fix everything, glue everything together, at least pretend. pretend everythings fine, even though its the most far from "fine" it has ever been. knowing how bad you wish you could take everyones greif up on yourself, so they all can be happy again.
i know i said "shortly". but thats not even all. but if you want shortly ill just say; this year has broke me. tore me apart. and it tore my whole world in front of my eyes too.
if anyone ever reads this, we will make 2020 better. we have to.
YOU ARE READING
lost - inside a teenage mind
De Todothe place i come to when i have a lot on my mind. when i'm sad, happy, confused or maybe lost. this is my hideout where i can just let it all out when it's needed, so i can feel a little lighter. maybe together, we can feel lighter too.
