A Broken Hearted Girl {Wattys2014}

Chapter 12- Expression Of Love part 1

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Whines8

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CHAPTER 12- Expression Of Love part 1

I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting on this swing, but as I look up into the clouds above with tears still pouring down my face, I could see the nice blue sky being taking over by the now greying clouds threatening to rain soon.

But even though I knew it would rain soon, I didn’t budge from my place on the swing. For I didn’t care if it rained on me, I didn’t care at all anymore. Besides it’s not like things could get worse from here, life has already rained on me more than a few times without any mercy and I’m sure I probably wouldn’t notice anyway. 

Moments later my prediction was made real as I began to feel cool rain drops fall from above. I didn’t move still when the rain began to come down harder and cooler, instead I gave a deep sigh and stared up into the now pale grey sky silently crying.

I was to stuck in my own thoughts, thoughts that have only made my depression and hatred for others and myself grow as the day moved on. I could slowly feel myself becoming numb on the inside, as well as slightly numb on the outside as the cool rain began to chill my body. I welcomed that numbness with open arms as I rocked back and forth on the swing. I welcomed it because I knew if I was numb at least I wouldn’t be able to feel the hurt, loneliness and pain that’s been burning me from the inside out for so long. 

I leaned my head on the swing chain one of my hands were holding and closed my eyes as a small sad smile pulled at my lips and my tears began to slow down. The weather was becoming even cooler now, I could now see my breath a little as it blew out of my half parted lips. But I didn’t move, I didn’t even shiver from the cold as I sat there motionless on the swing with eyes still closed and my sad smile on my lips.

I really don’t know why I was smile, I guess it was because I knew that I had finally decided to give up on myself and my life. No I wasn’t going to try and take my life again, but I knew that I could become numb to the world around me and that’s what made me smile. I was now going to give up on myself because I knew it wasn’t getting any better for me, at least not any time soon. 

I still had a while until I could actually leave high school and this town for good, but I also knew that this town and the people in it who despise me will drive me insane or worse before I ever have the chance to actually make it out of this stupid town.

With another deep and slow sigh, I sat there, letting the cold freezing rain envelop me. I could feel my fingers tingling now as the cold started to effect them but I didn’t move, I didn’t want to. Instead I sat there imagining my life as someone else. Someone who was loved by many, someone who had friends and people who wanted to be around her. I imagined myself as someone people actually liked, someone people didn’t judge or hate. I imagined myself as someone else, anyone else.

The rain kept pouring, beginning to come down harder and faster as time went on. My lips were chattering now from how cold I was even though I had a jacket on, but my body stayed still not effected by the cold or the rain. My head was still in the same place leaning against the chain of the swing and my hands were still gripping each chain on either side of me, my eyes still closed.