Crazier

Illusion (20)

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"No baby this is not an illusion

I've really got my heart on my sleeve

Oh baby, this is not an illusion

There's magic between you and me"

-One Direction, Illusion

Leah flicked the camera off and I fell onto the haybale, sighing heavily. She came to sit next to me, her movements still tentative. "You alright?"

I threw my arm over my eyes. "Do you want to get Tess for me?"

Leah stood up and disappeared as I took a deep breath, closing my eyes as my own words swirled around my head. I pictured Evan's face, Jackson's proud expression, my dad looking down at me, then took another breath to try and calm my racing heart. When I heard footsteps approaching the haybale, I took another breath before fingers laced with mine, moving my arm off of my eyes. I opened them and Tessa was looking down at me, eyes soft but tinged with concern. "You okay, Walter?" she asked quietly.

Leah quietly stepped forwards, handing her iPhone, which I assumed was open to the video. I shifted, my head falling in Tessa's lap, and she absentmindedly ran her fingers through my hair as she looked down at me. "Can I watch it here? Or do I need headphones?"

I reached up silently and pressed play, closing my eyes as my own voice rang out through the oddly silent barn. The horses were all out, considering it was a nice night, and we were the only ones there, the only sounds my recorded voice and Tessa's steady breathing.

"Is it on?" I asked. "Yea? Alright."

I took a deep breath. "So, hey guys. Its Shane...obviously. Sorry, that was dumb. I'm nervous. Um, okay. I've got something I really need to say, and I'm really hoping that you guys don't hate me so much you won't listen to this."

I knew without looking at the screen that I had hung my head, running my fingers nervously through my hair. Tessa stiffened, her hand ceasing it's movement, and I felt my heartbeat picking up again as I sighed heavily in the video.

"I'm sorry, guys." I admitted, my voice dropping to barely above a whisper. "And I know this is way too late, and my only reason is a horrible excuse, but it's all I've got.

"For those of you who don't know, my dad died a few months back. We were on our way to one of our shows back home in Toronto when a tree fell on top of the car. Dad died, and my brother, Jackson, lost his leg in the accident, and I guess I lost my mind. For the past few months, I've been awful to everyone because I was so wrapped up in my own problems. I ignored fans, refused to take pictures or sign things, wouldn't talk to anyone except to tell them to leave..."

I scrubbed my hands vigorously over my face, fighting back the burning tears. "I was horrible. I hated everything, and I didn't care how I was making other people feel if I was in a mood, which was constantly. I didn't care about anything, not my music or anything else, and how the fans were reacting to my drinking every night wasn't a big deal to me. Drinking until I passed out every night just became a habit because it was the only thing that could make me forget that if I hadn't asked Dad to come to the concert, he'd still be alive. I had convinced myself that it was my fault, and I just didn't care about anybody else because I felt so miserable all the time."

I paused, then took a deep breath and continued. "For the past month, I've been staying with a family that didn't know me before, but took me in anyways. I'd probably be dead right now, honestly, if it wasn't for their daughter. I would be, actually. She didn't put up with any of my bullsh*t - still doesn't, actually. If I treated her like crap, she didn't put up with it, and I'm pretty sure we hated each other until a few weeks ago. She...well, I guess she saved my life."