Walking

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by TheWanderingBurd

by TheWanderingBurd

Walking was the only form of solace I had when I wanted to die

like I was going somewhere

I was getting out

and if my legs could still carry me then I still had purpose

Like if the sun could still burn my skin I could feel something else

I could still feel in general

and that the wind would be just enough force to blow the last embers of my life into a fuse that would ignite life in me once more like a vicious forest fire

That somehow observing the earth outside of myself would inspire growth or a shift of course in my spiraling perpetual motion

10 minutes ago I wanted to die

I'm not sure if I still do

it all kind of feels like a time capsule

as if I'm suspended in a more cinematic reality where everything works out and I'm supposed to tell myself and you that it's going to be okay

But truthfully I don't know if it's going to be okay

I'm looking for love in all the wrong places and I've got nearly nothing left to lose.

most would say that gives way to a new beginning,

even the earth mirrors that

but when you're sitting at the bottom of a dumpster you just don't know -

and optimism feels like an expensive knife that would slash hope you can't afford anyway

you're the overgrown vine eating the building from the sidewalk because no one bothered tending to you

a desperate scaling towards anything "other"

Is it worth it?

I'd like to think so

but it doesn't take much to change my mind

like I said

walking was the only form of solace I have when I want to die

it doesn't give me answers

or make anything absolute

but there's purpose for an hour or a half before stillness beats my bones to suffering again