A Broken Mind Can't Be Fixed

Chapter 4

Despite it being a Friday night, I go to bed at ten. My eyes refuse to stay open and there's no way I can stay up for another five minutes.

I put away my bird drawings and turn off the lamp. I lay down in bed and fall asleep instantly.

-

Someone's crying. I walk down the hallway and stop in front of the bathroom door. The sobs are louder here.

My heart breaks, and I rush into the room.

Violet is standing in front of the mirror, tears running down her rosy cheeks. She has a razor in her hand and is viciously attacking her wrist. I suddenly understand how Lydia feels when she sees my cuts.

"Violet, stop. You're mutilating yourself. It's disgusting." I grab her hand that holds the razor.

"Why should I? You do it." She wipes away her tears.

"Not anymore. Promise me you'll never cut again." I want to kiss her very badly but I know that it would be inappropriate at the moment.

"I promise."

I pull her into a hug and we stay like that until the dream fades away.

-

I wake up different. Seeing Violet selfharm has really had an impact on me. I look at my own cuts and can only see hers. I want to scream until my voice is gone.

My alarm clock informs me that it's only seven in the morning, so I continue to lay snuggled up in my bed.

I imagine Violet beside me, her tiny arms wrapped around me like they were in my dream.

If there's anything I ever wanted in this world, it's to have Violet's presence forever, no matter if she hated me or not. I just want to be near her.

There's a couple of knocks on my bedroom door and I tell whoever it is to come in.

It's Addy.

"Tate, something bad is happening to our brother. There's a bunch of banging in the attic and I saw Larry go up there before."

I jump out of bed and run to the attic stairs. They're already pulled out and I quickly climb up.

What I see stops me in my tracks.

Larry is chasing a lauging Beau around the room.

"Come here, you dumb little shit." I stand watching, bewildered.

"Just go to fucking bed, Beau." My brother laughs some more, mistaking Larry's chases for a game.

Beau finds himself sitting helpless in a corner. He looks up to Larry with round eyes.

Larry slaps him across the face and that is what brings me out of my shock.

"Hey!" I run over to Larry and punch him in his jaw. He stumbles back, and presses his hand to his already bruising cheek.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I yell at him. He replies with choked sobs. I'm so surprised by him crying that I can only stand there and watch him until he finally snaps out of it.

"Oh, just one thing. Just one little thing she asked of me and I failed! Oh no, oh no!"

I watch Larry rock back and forth on the grimy attic floor for a couple more seconds, but then I remember Beau.

Beau is sitting on his bed, and from what I can tell, he's trying to smile at me. I ask if he's okay, and he nods his head yes. I smile at him and turn back to a calmer Larry.

"Larry, let's go downstairs so you can explain yourself. And lemme warn ya, if you don't have a good explanation, I might as well bash your damn head in." I pull Larry up with a little more strength than necessary and lead him to the kitchen table. I push him into the seat and hover over him.

"Now, Tate, could we please be a little more quiet? I don't want to wake your Mother up. You know how she-"

"Save it, Larry. I heard you upstairs mumbling about doing something wrong for someone, and I'll bet my dick that you were talking about Mom. What was she asking of you? To kill Beau, her fucking son?" I'm talking with such vengeance and disgust that I'm spitting on him. He cowers at the droplets like they're burning him.

"Answer me, goddammit!" I yell, pounding the table with my fist. I like this feeling of being in control of someone.

"Uh, no. No! Your mother would never ask of such a thing! She, uh, wanted me to...to give him, to ask him what he wanted for breakfast, because it's his, uh, birthday. Yeah, it's Beau's birthday. Did ya forget, Tate?" Larry stares up at me and it's like his eyes are pleading me to believe him.

I sigh.

"Okay, okay. Sure, it's Beau's birthday. If you don't mind, I'm gonna go out to the store and buy him a present. I'll be back later. See ya."

I go up to my room, change into something decent, and leave the house that doesn't feel like mine anymore.

-

I go to the beach.

For a quick second I think of going to Lydia's house, but I finally decide against it. I don't need her. I only need myself. And Violet.

The crashing of waves is the most beautiful sound to me. I'm almost positive I could listen to it forever; the sound of all my sorrows, tears, blood  crashing into the gritty sand and becoming nothing but foam. There's just something beautiful about it, you know?

I'm looking at the seagulls fly around overhead when I remember something. Lydia said she loves me. She loves me. I believe her too, but it just won't work out. I have Violet and Violet has me. Forever, I told my purple flower.

I feel my cheeks turning red. I never refer to Violet as my flower when I'm around her, only in my head do I do that. It's so embarrassing and unmanly; calling a girl your flower. Like who does that?

I sigh and run my fingertips across the gritty sand. I would do anything to have Violet. I would even shoot up my school if I had to. I hope it doesn't come to that, but if it was the only way to have Violet, I would do it.

-

I go home later that day to the smell of a freshly baked cake even though it's not really Beau's birthday.