A Broken Mind Can't Be Fixed

Chapter 5

Before the weekend is over, I decide to run over to Lydia's house.

I prepare myself to answer her father's questions and knock on her front door. To my relief, it's Lydia who answers.

"Oh hey, come in." She opens the door fully and motions me in.

"My parents went out to eat," she says, and leads me upstairs. "I've just been sitting here and listening to music."

"Kurt Cobain?" I ask. She laughs.

"Nope. I don't listen to that. I listen to country and folk music. My ma says it's good for the soul." She laughs again at my confused look.

"Okay, well anyway, why are you here?" She glances at my wrist. I quickly pull up my sleeves.

"No. I don't want to cut. I just wanted to see you and.." I trail off, unsure on what to say. Why did I come here?

"Uh, guess I just wanted some company." I look up at her sitting on her bed and smile. She crawls over and looks down at me.

"Oh really?" She has a gleam in her eyes and it's pulling me in. I want her. Right now, in this moment, I want her.

I raise my hand up to her cheek and let it rest there. I've never done anything intimate with a girl. I have no idea what to do. I think Lydia realizes this because her grin has become bigger. She knows that she's in control. 

"I know exactly why you came," Lydia whispers into my ear. Her hot breath travels down my neck and makes me shiver.

Lydia kisses me. I wait to feel the sparks that everyone talks about.

I feel nothing. I wait for a moment longer, but still, nothing. I pull away and start crying.

Lydia is baffled. She knows she's hot and she knows how boys are. I should be ripping her clothes off right now, not fucking crying.

She sits beside me and puts her arm around my shoulders.

"Oh, Tate, are you gay? Is that it? It's okay. Everything will be okay. It's fine if you are, really." Lydia keeps up with her gay talk. It almost makes me sober up it's so far from the truth. But it doesn't. I still feel the pain of not having Violet.

"Stay here, I'll bring up some coffee." Lydia stands up and walks downstairs. She thinks I'm gay. I would tell her about Violet, but then she'd probably think I was insane. I should tell her. If anyone would listen to me, it would be Lydia.

Lydia walks back into her room with two cups of coffee. She hands me one and I take a sip.

For a couple minutes, we just sit there, drinking coffee, unsure of what to say. I finally break the glass and clear my throat.

"Lydia, I'm not gay. I'm in love with someone else." Her eyes widen and she meets my gaze.

"Who?" She asks. I hesitate before continuing.

"Her name is Violet. She doesn't go to our school. I don't even know what school she goes to actually. I just know her and what her house looks like, and now that I think about it, it looks a lot like mine. But anyway, I don't know where Violet is. I've never seen her except in my dreams. I've been dreaming about her since I was twelve I think, and they've been getting more realistic. We love each other. Violet means everything to me, but I don't know what to do because she only exists in my fucking dreams." I stop talking and take a breath. Lydia's face is illegible, but then it lights up.

"What the fuck, Tate?! If you don't wanna make out, just say so! I'm not gonna force you to. You don't have to make up some fake ass story!" She stands up abrubtly and knocks her cup of coffee over.

"Shit!" She exclaims under her breath. That's exactly how I feel too.

"Lydia, calm down. It's true. I'm telling you the truth." I reach for her arm but she pulls away.

"Don't fucking touch me! When a girl is willing to make out with you, you do it! Didn't your Dad ever teach you that?" Her words hurt me more than the she knows and I cringe. She notices and laughs.

"Ha, my friends even told me you were weird, but I thought you were just misunderstood! I gave you a chance to grow the fuck up Tate, and you blew it." Her friends said something? Other people talk about me? 

"What do you mean your friends said I was weird?" I'm scared for her answer. She laughs.

"Uh, Stephanie Boggs and Kevin Gedman told me how you've been. You ignore everyone and live in your own little world. You've never tried to be friends with anyone. You scare people, Tate. No one knows what to do with you. You're just here. You're not even living, you're just here, and I tried to help you, but you can't be fixed!" She turns away and swings her arm out, knocking some stuff off her dresser. She falls to the ground and starts crying. On instinct I take a step towards her.

"Tate, go away," Lydia starts yelling repeatedly and I listen to her. I go away. I run home and slice the fuck out of my arms.

-

I wake up Sunday morning to an ambulance screeching into the driveway. Paramedics carry out the body of my brother, Beau, and try to calm my mother. They don't know she's faking, but I do. That's why I haven't left my room since they've been here.

Larry's out there too, acting like he had nothing to do with the death of Beau. I listened to what he told the doctors. Beau died of natural causes. He went up to feed him breakfast, but instead found a dead boy.

-

After hours of hearing my mother's fake mourning, it's relaxing to hear nothing. Everyone went out to eat. This time I wasn't even invited to come, and I don't give a shit.

I really don't give a shit.