The Soundtrack of My Life

"Angel"

NOVEMBER 2010

Dear Joe,

Fuck cancer, man. It took you away from us way too soon. You and I have gotten so close recently and I have your fiancé, Renee to thank for that. I wish I could have done something more to help you in some way. I know that's stupid, since there really wasn't anything I could have done to prevent the cancer from spreading. I just hope that you know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that your cancer came back with a vengeance. My heart aches for you and your family. I only wish there could have been more time for you to experience life. You have always been so good to my friend, Renee, and I never thanked you for that. You were the love of her life, and it is so unfortunate that you two only had such a short period of time together. I truly wish it could have been more.

I will never forget the day that you and Renee had a huge fight before school started one morning. I don't recall what it was about, but I remember that she had been crying. Our group of friends surrounded Renee and they all glared at you, giving you the signal to leave. You had walked away quietly and sadly, not wanting to upset her or her friends anymore. I wish I could have comforted you in that moment. But I  had run up to her and gave her a huge hug instead. My short stature, as you know, really places me in the perfect position between her boobs. This had made her laugh. And that was when I had noticed that you had turned around to look back at her when you heard her laughter. You noticed her smile and returned one of your own without her knowledge. I knew right then and there that you two would never let something so petty get between you guys again.

What makes me so sad is the fact that I had just talked to Renee the other day while she was visiting you in the hospital. She had told me about how you were finally getting better. I heard you say hello and you had asked me how I was doing in the background. That made me feel special, knowing that you cared about my well-being even when you were struggling with your own. It was really good to hear your voice – you had sounded so strong and happy in that moment. Renee and I talked for about an hour about everything and anything that came across our minds. She has truly been one of my best friends and I hope that we can continue to be a part of each other's lives forever.

There was one thing in particular that she told me that night too. She had told me that you wanted me to promise to go on a double date with you and her once you got out of that "shit hole," as you put it. I promised and Renee and I had started planning our double date. We talked about all of the movies that would be released within the next few weeks and made a tiny list of the ones you wanted to see.

You died a few days later.

The story of how you died was beautiful, but also excruciatingly sad. Renee had been there, lying on an extra hospital bed beside you. The two of you were holding hands and spending as much time together as you possibly could. It seemed that your brain cancer had come back and wasn't planning on leaving this time. She had fallen asleep next to you that night, and woke up to a flatline and a chilled hand intertwined with hers. I cannot imagine how awful that would have been. I know you were holding out as long as you could for her. I am just so glad you two had the time together that you did. It was true love.

Before your funeral, Renee went looking for an outfit to wear for that specific occasion. She was having a really hard time finding something that fit. You know how it is; damn society and clothing lines making their shit way too small for us bigger, curvy women. It's ridiculous! She had been feeling so discouraged, but before she left the store, you helped her. Renee told me that she went to give one last glance over the plus sized clothing racks, just to double check. On the front rack, an outfit sat pristine and perfect. And it was in her size. She was shocked and tried not to cry.

"Is that you, Joey?" she had called out.

And you responded by finding her the perfect pair of shoes in her size a store later. It is hard to explain how she knew it was you doing all of this, and I know that some people may not believe her. I truly believe that you helped your fiancé find the perfect outfit to wear to say goodbye one last time.

We held a girl's night for Renee soon after you passed. She truly needed it. And let me tell you, your fiancé is a strong ass woman. She held back her emotions and fears until way late into the night. She pushed through her heartache to have fun, and to remember all of the good times she had with you. I recall that I was sitting next to her when she finally broke down. I had held her and played with her long brunette hair. She sobbed into my chest and my heart ached for her. It still aches, but I want you to know that she will get through this. She is so strong. I think you made her that way.

Please know that I will take care of your girl. Even if we somehow drift apart, I will make sure she knows that I'm here if she needs anything. I will make sure she smiles when she's having a hard time without you. I promise to make her laugh when she is sad. I will wipe away her tears when she cannot hold them in any longer. And I will always be there for her for whatever she needs. You can rest in peace knowing that your girl is loved, safe, and supported.

I promise.

With lots of love,

Penelope