The Soundtrack of My Life

"Amazing Grace"

NOVEMBER 2010

James pulled his car into a parking spot at the park. I sat in the passenger's seat, staring out the window. The sun had begun to set and the sky was growing dark. The street lamps were slowly starting to flicker on. I opened my car door and waited for James at the hood of his green Malibu. He got out of the car and reached for my hand.  

He squeezed my hand with his and looked at me. "Are you ready?"

I nodded solemnly. "Yeah, I guess."

Together, we walked up the hill and to the pavilion. As we reached the top of the hill, my breath was taken away by what I saw. There were so many people; a lot more than I was expecting, honestly. A lady wearing a floral dress, even though the air was crisp, greeted us with tears in her eyes. She forced a smile, and I did the same. It was so hard to be here since we were all gathering for a very sad reason.

The lady handed James and me each a white candle. "We'll light them once it gets a bit darker. God bless."

We walked toward the crowd of people. Bridget came running from the mob of people and enveloped me into a hug. "God this is so awful," she said while hugging me. "I can't believe he's gone."

"I know." I said, muffled into her shoulder. I pulled away to look at her in the eye. "It seemed like he was going to pull through to remission again."

"Yeah, we all thought that." she said sadly. "Have you seen Renee yet?"

"No, we just got here."

Bridget stood up on her tiptoes and looked through the crowd. "She's over there surrounded by a bunch of people. I'm not sure if you'll be able to get to her."

"I'm going to try. I want her to know that I'm here for her."

She gave me another hug. "Alright, we'll be here when you get back."

I looked up at James. "You can stay here if you want. I'm going to weasel my way through the crowd to see Renee."

He nodded. "Alright."

I turned toward the crowd of people and gently pushed my way through. There were so many individuals surrounding Renee. I recognized some of them as I got closer and we nodded sympathetically toward each other. When I came up to the swarm, I waited until she was done speaking with others. I didn't want to be rude.  

We made eye contact and she motioned me to come forward. Her eyes were puffy and red. It has been days since I last saw her. She hasn't been to school. I don't blame her though. If my fiancé were dying, I would want to be at his side no matter what.

"Hey, girl," I said once I got to her. Her eyes filled with tears. "Oh, no. Don't cry, love." I moved forward to give her a hug. Since I was so much shorter than her, my face landed in between her boobs. I squeezed her tighter and looked up from her breasts, "Yep.  You still have nice tits."

She gave me a small chuckle, and then smiled. "Thank you, Penelope," she wiped her tears away. "You always know how to make me laugh, even when I feel like crap."

It was so good to see her smile. Joe had been struggling with his brain cancer for a while now. And smiles were hard to come by because of it. She would leave school to be by his side since any day back then could have been his last. Unfortunately, today was that day.

I had been sitting in my genetics class, waiting for it to start. I hadn't seen Renee anywhere all day, but that was to be expected. When Eloise hadn't shown up to class though, that was when I begun to worry. Something was definitely wrong. She never missed a class, and hardly ever got sick. And even if she had gotten sick, she'd push through it just so she didn't miss anything.

Since our class hadn't actually started yet, I decided to head to the spot where our group of friends always met at this time. I left my books and folders on my desk, and headed out to the high school's commons. I saw Bridget immediately and went up to her. She was the one who had told me the news that Joe had passed early this morning. My heart had sunk so low in that moment and I found myself not knowing how to feel, or what to do.

Bridget had told me that there was a room in the counselor's office where we could all get some space to cry if we needed. But we could only use if if we let our teachers know where we were going to be. Once I heard that, I made my way back to my genetics class. I told my teacher what was going on and asked if I could be excused.  

She had nodded and said, "I'm sorry for your loss."

I grabbed my books and rushed to the counselor's office. They checked me in and directed me to the room I needed. When I opened the door, there were quite a few people inside. They were all crying and hugging, mourning the loss of our dear friend, Joe.  

I saw a girl with long red hair and immediately knew that was Eloise. I went up behind her to give her a hug, and she turned around to see who it was. When we locked eyes, she started sobbing. I played with her hair, and let her get all of her emotions out. I struggled to keep mine in, but I felt like I had to be the strong one in that moment. I shed a few tears, but not to the point where I was sobbing uncontrollably. The thought of him being gone was unbelievable. He had so much more planned for his life. Why now?

Renee and I pulled apart, but still stayed close. I wiped away one of her tears. "We should get together soon and have a girls night."

She sniffled and rewarded me with another smile. "I would really love that."

"Okay, we'll set something up. I'll text you with the details later." I gave Renee one last quick hug before letting more people give their condolances. It took me longer to get back to James and Bridget since so many other people had shown up for the candlelight vigil.  

"How is she doing?" Bridget asked once I returned to James' side.

I sighed. "She's hanging in there, it seems."

"Well that's good." James offered.

"I told her we should have a girls night sometime soon," I said to Bridget. "I think she could really use it."

"I agree," Bridget replied. "Let's try to set something up in the next couple weekends."

"Perfect."

"Hello, everyone," said someone within the crowd. "My name is Cheryl and I'm Joe's mother. I am so glad to see all of you this evening, even if it's because he has gone to Heaven. He knows he is loved, and I know we all are relieved that he isn't suffering anymore. Thank you so much for being here. I have a lighter and I'm going to light our families candles so we can pass the flame onto all of you. Thank you, again, for being here."

One by one, each candle started to light by the flame being passed throughout the swarm of people. Out of nowhere, a lady started to sing. Her voice was shaking as if she was crying. The words spilled over everyone in the crowd. It sent shivers through my spine. The light from the candles flickered among the statues that surrounded us in the pavilion. And the song grew louder and louder as each person joined in. I felt my eyes start to water; I had barely cried all day because it honestly didn't feel like this was real. It felt like Joe would appear at any moment to tell us we're all being ridiculous. But of course, he never came.

Tears streamed down my face as we all sang together. James put his arms around me, and I turned my face into his chest. I drenched his sweatshirt with my silent sobs. How could he be gone? Why did he have to die? Why did he ever have to get cancer? Life truly isn't fair.

Everyone started to put their arms around each other, whether they knew them or not, and swayed to our voices that echoed through the night. We all sang no matter how good or bad our voices were, just for Joe. He knew he was loved. He knew that we all cared about him. And he knew that he would be greatly missed.