PROLOGUE
Why do I have to constantly feel like I don't matter to those around me? Why do I feel so shitty all the damn time? Why doesn't medication just fucking work for once? I am so tired of trying out different kinds, one after the other. I just want to feel better. I don't want to cause any more stress for my family. They all look at me like I want to be sick – no means to get better. Depression isn't just something you can push aside; it is something that sits with a person during everyday tasks and becomes more than just a disease; it becomes all the person sees, hears, and feels. It swallows a person whole without any intention of letting go.
It has become harder and harder for me to get out of bed recently. All I want to do is sleep and not be bothered. Life moves on around me, and I can't seem to grasp a tiny sliver of happiness to pull me out of my ongoing spiral.
I know I have a lot of people that love me. I have always known that; however, dark thoughts can hold some pretty hurtful feelings. Depression will wrap its arms around me and make it impossible for me to stop hearing negative things. The positives seem forged – and a spiral of dark emotions ensues. My makeup stains my pillow each night in watermarks like a Jackson Pollock painting. I am rattled to the bone about my looks: weight, height, and face. I constantly hear whispers that I am not good enough and there is nothing I can do to fix that. The painful things that I have thought or heard, not to mention been through, over the years swallow me whole, and I can't get away. I wake up every day not wanting to get out of bed because my sweet dreams seem to be the only thing worth living for.
How many sledgehammers to my already crumbling self-esteem can I manage before I lose my grip and my carefully built emotional wall falls? I will turn to rubble – pieces of me scattered across the floor like I don't matter. There's nothing to see here but broken promises and hurt feelings. Move along. Don't stop and try to pick up the pieces of my heart – it's used to being broken and stepped on.
Life has been especially cruel lately and I really want it to stop. The people I surround myself with don't seem to care for my sad tendencies, but how many times do I have to explain to people that I can't help but feel this way?
It's not like I chose to feel this way.
I just do.
So, for now, I'll put on my headphones and just press play.
YOU ARE READING
The Soundtrack of My Life
SaggisticaMusic has always been important to Penelope. She clung to every note, lyric, and beat of every song that was blasted through her headphones. Each song represented a memory and every time she put in her headphones to listen, she was transported back...
