In·se·cu·ri·ty
/ˌinsəˈkyo͝orədē/
noun
uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence.
Melody Carter is a shy, multiracial girl with many insecurities and no confidence. Ever since her ex-boyfriend, Jaylen raped her when she was 15; she bec...
"I'm at a point where I'm alone, that I have nobody but my own. I couldn't leave myself to break, But that's the choice that I've made. If there was a way that I can take away the pain... My confidence would've gain."-AJ Mary
Melody Carter
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*melody in bed*
Why I gotta be like this? Why I gotta feel like this? Why am I so insecure? Is there a cure for my boor? I feel so lonely like, I ain't got nobody to hold me, to love me. I feel ugly and I ain't pretty... Why... Why can't I believe I'm awesome, why can't I believe I'm beautiful, why can't I believe I'm... special? Dear Lord help me.
I get out of my bed, go down my knees on the floor beside my bed to pray... "Dear father god, thank you for protecting me throughout the night while I was asleep, thank you blessing and protecting my family. Thank you for guiding me, loving me, caring for me and helping me. Help me to continue to worship and glorify your name lord. Forgive me Lord for the things I said and things that I did that made you upset, forgive me Lord. Help me to know that I'm beautiful and special because you made me and help me to be confident in myself. I'm truly thankful for you and happy you are in my life. Thank you, Lord in Jesus name... Amen."
I get up from the floor, make my bed and get my stuff to go shower. While brushing my teeth, I can't help but stare at myself... stare at my features, tryna smile but it doesn't work. I continue brushing my teeth. When I was done, strip out my clothes and get in the shower. Warm water running down my body feeling so good but why can't I feel good? After I was done showering, I put on lotion, deodorant, my bra and panties, my sport clothes, my socks and my running shoes. I get my beats, my apple watch. I told my parents that I'll see them later, "Bye guys, I'll see you later." I told them. "Okay Mel, see you later." My parents said. I locked the house door and start jogging.
>>>>Melody goes jogging to the park
I listen to the beat of the song match with my heart. It's as if the rhythm of the beat knows how I feel. As if the song knew my pain... I got tired so sat down on a bench in the park. I started humming a song, a Beyoncé song; Pretty Hurts.
Beyonce- Pretty Hurts
Mama said, you're a pretty girl What's in your head it doesn't matter Brush your hair, fix your teeth What you wear is all that matters
Just another stage Pageant the pain away This time I'm gonna take the crown Without falling down, down
Pretty hurts We shine the light on whatever's worst Perfection is a disease of a nation Pretty hurts, pretty hurts Pretty hurts We shine the light on whatever's worst You tryna fix something, but you can't fix what you can't see It's the soul that needs a surgery
Blonder hair, flat chest TV says bigger is better South beach, sugar-free Vogue says Thinner is better
Just another stage Pageant the pain away This time I'm gonna take the crown Without falling down, down, down
Pretty hurts We shine the light on whatever's worst Perfection is a disease of a nation Pretty hurts, pretty hurts (pretty hurts) Pretty hurts (pretty hurts) We shine the light on whatever's worst We try to fix something, but you can't fix what you can't see It's the soul that needs the surgery
Ain't got no doctor or pill that can take the pain away The pain's inside and nobody frees you from your body It's the soul, it's the soul that needs surgery (It's my soul that needs surgery) Plastic smiles and denial can only take you so far Then you break when the fake façade leaves you in the dark You left with shattered mirrors and the shards of a beautiful girl
Pretty hurts We shine the light on whatever's worst (pretty hurts) Perfection is a disease of a nation (pretty hurts) Pretty hurts, pretty hurts Pretty hurts (pretty hurts) We shine the light on whatever's worst We tryna fix something, but you can't fix what you can't see (pretty hurts) It's the soul that needs a surgery
When you're alone all by yourself (pretty hurts, pretty hurts) And you're lying in your bed (pretty hurts, pretty hurts) Reflection stares right into you (pretty hurts, pretty hurts) Are you happy with yourself? (Pretty hurts, pretty hurts) You stripped away the masquerade (pretty hurts, pretty hurts) The illusion has been shed (pretty hurts, pretty hurts) Are you happy with yourself? (Pretty hurts, pretty hurts) Are you happy with yourself? (Pretty hurts, pretty hurts)
Yeah, yes (ah, ah, ah)
That song made me feel some kinda way... It made me feel sad and depressed but yet again it made me feel okay and happy. I love to sing. It makes me feel happy and it's my passion to sing but I'm too shy to sing. I'm too insecure and too coy to even sing in front of people... I just left that thought in my mind and jogged right back home.
>>>>Later...
How does a girl like me figure out a way of what it means to love herself? My insecurities takes up more space room than my voice, it's always the target of my problem. Or maybe my features? I would say I'm Caribbean Blasian, i don't know... I'm Haitian, Arabian, Canadian, Mexican, Italian, Japanese ,and American. I devote myself to try to be happy but I can't, I'm a miracle but why don't I feel like a miracle? I sit on my bed, I listen to music in my beats and write in my notebook. My notebook gives me a place to put my thoughts in. Every now and then, I dress my thoughts in a clothing of a poem. I think I'm trying to say is that my thoughts are important. Sometimes music and writing is the only way I keep from hurting.
Hey guys😊 I hope you like chapter 1. Like and comment anything about chapter 1😊.
