Linewalkers

5 | Grief and Disbelief

Not Edited 

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It was cold. 

The late autumn air was harsh against her exposed skin, raising goosebumps in its wake, but she could barely feel anything. Her skin had been cold to the touch since four days ago, when Mr. Rabino had come to her house to deliver the news, and she couldn't remember much besides crying. 

Her heart felt empty and that in turn created a coldness in her soul. She didn't even believe that she was awake and standing before the casket, dressed in black and crying. It must be a horrible nightmare that she could wake up from. She hoped that it was all a lie, that she was living a lie, but how fickle it was. 

Tragedies happened every day and families were torn apart. After the initial shock went by, it would all go down hill. An endless abyss of black awaited to swallow its prey and she knew that she had already fallen victim. She was never strong enough to fight depression on her own and now she was truly alone. 

Her best friend was dead. 

That thought resonated through her mind. It was taunting, echoing, and cruel. Heavy grey clouds seemed to crush her soul even further and she hoped it would rain, then maybe the sky would share her misery and pay its respects. Someone's hand was resting on her shoulder and she watched men work to lower the casket into the ground. 

His service had been a blur and she couldn't bring herself to look at his picture beside the casket. She was in the picture with him, they were both smiling and their eyes sparkled, but now it felt entirely sardonic. Friends and family gathered for the mournful day and she knew the hardest part of his death would be the grief.

Still, she couldn't believe it. 

A headstone was placed above his grave and then that was it. She stood, staring at the stone, and the people around her slowly disappeared. As if in a movie, she felt suspended in a time of black and white. The people of color drained from her life and soon the end credits would roll. 

But, it wasn't the end. This wasn't the end of her movie, she had to move on. While Elias had taken his last breath, she had to continue breathing. She thought of her life five months ago and it felt like she had never lived it. It didn't feel like her life anymore. She felt so far from herself. 

There was no escape for her and she suffered from the grief for several weeks. It took her motivation, her passion, and she couldn't find it in herself to leave her bedroom most days. The ceiling had become her view of life and no matter how much her parents tried, she just needed to be alone. It was almost embarrassing to let someone see her in such sorrow. 

She didn't know what she was supposed to do now. Eventually, she grew angry. She had her suspicions about the internship before he even went and she had voiced them but Elias didn't care. Thoughts crossed her mind and some of them were true, while others were constructed from pure emotion and held no meaning. 

Her mind was a swirl of dangerous emotions and she flitted between them daily. She hated herself and she desperately wanted to talk to her bestfriend. She came to realize that she would never get to hack with him again, he would never see her dance again. 

She found herself visiting his grave everyday. It was the only thing that would motivate her to do something other than sleep. She just felt so tired, exhausted, and it felt like the world was against her. People had tried to give her their condolences but she didn't want to hear it. They meant nothing to her. Not a thousand words could bring her bestfriend back. 

Not a million tears could ever express how much pain she felt. Nobody could help her and she felt utterly lost. It felt wrong if she would just move on without him. But then again, she was so setback in her life that she hardly doubted she would move on. 

She fell to her knees at his grave and her hands rest uselessly on her lap. Her eyes skimmed over the words engraved in the stone and she thought it funny that his name would be forever engraved on her heart. It was not easy to lose someone so close. Her bestfriend was her entire world. He taught her the joy of life and when everyone else bullied her, he believed in her. He believed in her dancing, her computer skill - her as a person. Nobody else could do that. 

There was a hole in her heart and it would never be filled. Her soul would forever ache and cry. She had no idea how she would overcome the grief that weighed heavily upon her. She knew she wasn't strong enough to fight it, she had never been. She was insecure, unsure, and she was afraid. 

A tiny snowflake landed on her nose and she blinked through tears. For just a moment, she felt something as she watched the gentle descent of snow. It was so quiet and peaceful, she was mesmerized at the sight. The dusk air illuminated the snowflakes as they danced and she admired the sparkles they produced. 

It was only a few minutes before a light dusting of snow covered the ground around her. She held out her hand, collecting the snowflakes for only a second before they melted into her warm palm. For some reason, she felt comforted. The tingle of coolness that spread across her fingertips tickled and her lips twitched. 

She didn't realize that the snow had completely covered Elias' grave until she looked down and gasped. It was almost like his grave didn't exist at all. The soft blanket of snow seemed to block her grief and it never even crossed her mind that the sky above her was full of stars. In a moment of some happiness, she forgot about everything else. 

The gentle snow ceased and she sighed. She had never been a fan of winter and yet she didn't mind. She felt calm and indifferent. She closed her eyes and relished in the moment because she didn't know the next time she would feel normal again. It was funny how she never realized how easy her life was until it was full of pain. 

A soft noise caught her attention. 

Meow. 

She opened her eyes to find a cat sitting merely twenty feet away from her. It was almost entirely black and the only reason she could see it in the dark was because of the glowing amber eyes and a patch of white on its chest. It sat down, watching her. 

She frowned. 

The cat blinked and mewed again. It was asking for her attention and she was instantly drawn into its eyes. They were familiar and comforting. It stood, shook its paws, and then walked closer. 

"Are you lost, little guy?" She asked, the cat tilted its head, slit pupils dilating. 

She stayed still as the cat drew close enough and then it rubbed its head against the underside of her arm. She laid her hand on its back and began stroking its surprisingly soft fur. A gentle purr emitted from the black cat and she felt a little smile crack her lips. 

"I'm lost, too," She said to the cat, "Do you want to come home with me?" 

The cat titled its head and seemed to smile. 

.    .    .    .    .    . 

You know, as I writing this, I just kept thinking that mysterious black cats in graveyards are definitely a bad sign. Is it just me? 

Have you been intrigued so far or what would you change? 

Always up for a good chat.