The Love That Can't Be

Morgana 4

There he stood. The man I've fallen for. His hair was a mess, and puffy, dark circles were evident under his drooping eyes. Yet, he still looked great somehow. His lips pursed into a thin line as he took a deep breath. His chest stopped moving as he stood still. It was like he was watching for what I'd do next. I didn't want anything to be weird between us. Yes, I'm falling in love with him, but I didn't want to ruin anything we had left. So, although my heart was breaking, somehow, I still managed a small smile.

He let out the breath he'd been holding in but didn't move. He studied my face with those big blue eyes. His words may say we can't be together, but in this moment, his facial expression says something completely different. My heart was slowly crumbling as it called for him to come closer. I found it hard to breathe, and I couldn't help the tears from flowing into my vision, but I still kept a smile on my face.

"Morgana," he finally spoke. His voice was hoarse and if anything, broken. He took a step towards me, and then, another.

I was afraid to say anything. My throat was sore, and I couldn't seem to find the words. "It's okay, Merlin," I managed to get out without thinking too much into it. Although, since I wasn't able to control it, I knew my voice sounded discouraging. Merlin was closer now. He shook his head slightly. My heart pounded hard against my chest, practically shouting at him. This was torture—whatever he was doing.

"Yes, it is," he replied wholeheartedly. He was right in front of me now, staring into my eyes. My heart screamed for him. So loud, I couldn't hear my own thoughts. I didn't understand what he was trying to do, or maybe I did. I'm not sure. Everything had happened so fast. The next thing I knew, I was in his arms. His lips pressed gently to mine. My arms automatically wrapped around his neck as my hands found their way into his hair. It was like everything came together. The wind in the trees. The birds chirping above. The squirrels setting up for hibernation. The leaves falling to the ground. Merlins touch. His lips. The tears that escaped from my eyes. The cold wind hit our bodies, yet we managed to stand our ground. In that moment, we were one with nature, so naturally, we became one with each other.

We couldn't pull away from each other. We flowed together like a puzzle ready to be solved. Our bodies seemed to be doing the job for us as my mind shrieked joyfully. I want him. His heart. His soul. His everything. I wanted to share my life with his and his with mine. I wanted us to be happy together. I wanted everyone to accept us.

But just because I want something, doesn't mean I'll get it.

I finally understood what Merlin was talking about. My life doesn't coexist with his. He's a servant to the crown prince. I'm the kings ward. Merlin and Arthur have gotten closer over time. If Arthur found out about us, who knows how he'd react! Uther would eventually find out either by Arthur or some other reason. Merlins secret would be revealed. I can't even think about what would happen next. Merlin was right. I need to let him go. I'd have to if Merlin was to survive.

I pulled away quickly. Merlin was taken aback. I couldn't look at him. My eyes remained stuck to the ground. Tears were quickly starting to overflow one another. I sniffed as I said, "we can't." Merlins hand moved under my chin, and he lifted my head to look at him. His hand, then, cupped my cheek. I leaned into his touch. Looking into his eyes, I saw the pain and longing in them. I wonder if he could see it in my eyes too. I shook my head as I pulled his hand away from me and took a step back. "You were right, Merlin," I spoke, "this is too dangerous. I understand now. I can't let you risk your life just to be with me."

"I want to be with you, Morgana," he told me. I could see the tears in his eyes as well which made my heart shatter even more. I sobbed, shaking my head in denial.

"So, do I, but I can't lose you," I wept. Merlin tried to wipe the tears from my cheeks. His thumb lingered under my eye.

"I can't lose you. After everything we've been through," he sobbed himself. "After everything I've put us through," I squeezed his hand that was still in mine, "this is the final result?"

"It has to be," I replied. "I care too much for us to get caught and you... I can't even imagine what I'd do if you were gone. You were right. This isn't a risk to take. If our relationship changed, others may get suspicious, and they could easily find out. There's no stopping it from happening. We're in a good place where no one suspects anything."

Merlin shook his head, but remained quiet. He turned away in thought. I stood watching his back as his shoulders dropped. The tears were silently falling from my eyes watching him for this long. The only sound heard was from the trees rustling in the dawns early wind. I refused to say anything until Merlin replied.

Then, suddenly, he turned back to face me. His cheeks had turned a bright red. His blue eyes shined brighter with the pool of tears flooding them. Fresh streams flowed softly down his face, yet he wiped violently at them to disappear.

"You're right," his voice broke, "I'm sorry, Morgana. I shouldn't have kissed you. It just makes this even harder. I was being foolish. We're here to get your magic under control. Nothing more than just a friend helping another friend."

Merlin was starting to get set up for our lesson, but I stopped him by calling his name. He turned to me. I stared into his eyes as I said, "I'm glad we can still be friends." I gave him a genuine smile in which he returned.

It's not going to be easy, but we'll learn to control our feelings too.