Slay

Even More Chainsaws

Ava's scream accomplished three things. It woke her mother, and her older brother, and the neighbours' dogs, and, in all probability, the neighbours. It caused Mrs Claus to freeze in panic and wish fervently that she, like Santa, could simply use magic to send Ava and her family back to sleep. And it alerted Ivy and Eiden, waiting in the sleigh on the rooftop, to the fact that Mrs Claus had been discovered and was probably in danger.

"Ssh! Are you Robyn?"

Ava shut off her scream abruptly; it was, in any case, beginning to peter out. It may be noticed that this didn't return the world to silence, as one might have expected. The neighbourhood dogs were barking in a rising cacophony, complemented by a noise like a motorcycle race. 

"No, you are," Ava said.

"What?" Mrs Claus blinked, momentarily puzzled. "Oh, no, I'm not here to steal anything."

"I could call the police on you, you know," said Ava. She was beginning to suspect who this woman was, and what she was doing in Ava's room in the middle of the night; suspicions which caused her to pray that Mrs Claus didn't notice the bedraggled grey hoodie on the chair or the box of matches in its pocket. "You're breaking and entering."

"I did not break anything!" said Mrs Claus indignantly. "I used the chimney."

Sawdust began to rain from the ceiling. The harsh roaring noise grew louder. Ava's now unobstructed view of the passage allowed her to see what Mrs Claus didn't; her mother, standing in the doorway, her face alight with fear and fury.

"Leave my daughter alone!"

Ava recognized the noise as a chainsaw, and then the roof fell in.

The Toy Factory and the geographic North Pole had been encircled with several hundred metres of makeshift barbed-wire fencing, which was slowly being engulfed by snow. Many of the elves carried various craft equipment and power tools, with a use in mind that was rather more gory and, ironically, more creative than that which they were designed for. 

In the freezing courtyard outside the stables, Kevin was having problems.

"So, it has a flamethrower round the back, and I've harnessed the combat reindeer and everything. It's all perfectly ready, would you like a demonstration?"

Merry nodded. "Yes, please. It's all quite... ingenious. I'd like to see it in action."

Kevin climbed into the driver's seat of the heavily armoured sleigh. He revved up the chainsaws. Fire shot out of the flamethrower, turning the surrounding snow to vapour in the time it took Merry to blink. Blades whirred. Kevin wiped his gloved hands on his coat and swallowed. Holding the reins with one hand, he thrust the other above his head and yelled "CHARGE!"

The reindeer glanced at one another. Most of them ignored Kevin and returned to searching the snow for lichen. Comet turned, nearly skewering Blitzen, to see if Kevin was offering any apples.

The aggression slipped momentarily off Kevin's face, and he glanced nervously at Merry before fixing his gaze firmly ahead. "ATTACK!"

One or two reindeer pawed the ground halfheartedly. 

"Destroy! Obliterate!" Kevin's face was red beneath his visor. "Um, I'll just... just go to check..." He switched off the chainsaws and scrambled down, rounding the front of the sleigh to approach the reindeer. The one in front had a shiny red nose, although this wasn't immediately apparent because he was wearing a helmet.

"Rudolph!," Kevin hissed. "Guys? We've been over this! There are lots of nasty people trying to take our magic, and you've got to kill them before they kill you!" 

Rudolph chewed his lichen contentedly. The reindeer beside him leaned over and licked Kevin's hand in a valiant quest for sugar lumps.

"You are fearsome weapons of mass destruction! Act like it!" Kevin's voice was rising. He sounded close to tears. "We have a mission!"

"Kevin?" It was Holly.

"Oh. Hi. We have a - a glitch -"

"I suppose you've tried turning them off and on again?"

"This is not the time for jokes!" He sounded borderline hysterical. "They won't go and - and Merry's watching and I can't get them to go-"

Holly sighed. "Let me try."

"I've tried everything! There's nothing you can do that I haven't already tried!"

She leaned in close to the reindeer. "Now listen up! I've got a big bowl of carrots waiting in the kitchen for you. All you have to do is run at that mattress when he says charge. A carrot each, you got that?"

Rudolph huffed. His breath came out in a white cloud of condensation.

"You drive a hard bargain. Alright, two carrots each." Holly turned to Kevin. "You can get in the sleigh now!"

Kevin obeyed, clambering back into the seat. The chainsaws roared to life. "CHARGE!"

"Carrots, remember!" whispered Holly.

The reindeer pounded forward, a thundering battalion of hooves and horns and metal. They swerved sideways when they reached the mattress, scraping metal on metal with the tight turn, and let the chainsaws and the flamethrower do their job.

The sleigh creaked to a halt; the noise gave way to blissful silence. A few stray clumps of stuffing drifted down. Holly gazed at the charred remains of the mattress; it looked like a pillow explosion. Several reindeer were giving her looks which she correctly interpreted as 'We did it, where's our pay?'. She sighed, and headed off to the kitchen.

Kevin punched the air triumphantly. "YES!"

"Yes," said Merry. "Ah. Yes. Very good. Very destructive. Yes." He swallowed. "Um. I think you should, er, put it away. Somewhere safe, somewhere where we can easily get it when they arrive... these poor reindeer, we should get them in out of the cold..."

"Somewhere like the Entrance Hall, sir?"

Merry thought of the Hall's antique wooden floorboards and perfectly preserved tapestries and very expensive, very flammable carpets. He looked apprehensively at the flamethrower. "I was thinking more along the lines of the stables, or a shed. Somewhere that doesn't matter very much if it burns down."

Kevin looked affronted. "You mean you doubt the safety of my creations, sir?"

"No! No, not at all, your creations are wonderful, they'd just be even more wonderful, er, very far away. What do you call this thing, anyway?"

"Well, at the moment I just call it the Thing, but I reckon maybe we could call it the Ultra-Destructo Reindeer Powered War Machine 2000!"

"Hmm," said Merry. "I have a few ideas myself..."

"What, like the Total Obliteration Creation?"

"No, I was thinking more along the lines of... the Slay."