'just breathing

'alone

You know what so hard it is about this situation?
I want to be alone
But either way I don't want to be alone
I may look likeca happy person without big problems
And it is true
But people don't see the struggle that I have with myself
The struggle in my mind

I open about what bothers me
Like something what happened with my friend or something
But I never talk about my feelings
About how I think about myself
Because how can I say the things to to you what I think? 
The things that I think in my head
If I would tell you everything, you would be speecheless
But I can't talk about my thoughts

Never

I just don't want to hurt and dissapoint people
I don't want them to be crying because of me
But sometimes I just sit on my bed and think
Think about how it would be if someone would know
How would they react? 
Do they get mad?
Sad? 

At those moments I want someone next to me and tell me about how I don't need to listen to my mind
When the thoughts take control over me
Because sometimes I can't control myself and do some shitty things what I'll carry with me until I die
I just don't know what to do and how to handle this
I've kept this secret for over 4 years now
Well, I told someone but she left
I seriously don't get it
This feeling will always chase me,
If I'm happy or not

";"

28-10-2016
11:25 PM