Philophobia: A GerIta Story (Rewritten)

Chapter Twelve (Ludwig)

I went to church and lunch with everyone two weeks ago, and if I'm honest, it felt really good to not only get out of the house with other people, but to return to church. I wouldn't consider myself a super religious person like I was when I was a kid, I don't read the Bible or pray daily like Feliciano has said he does, but it still feels nice to have that community behind me.

The church was incredibly accepting, unlike the church Opa, Gilbert, and I went to when Gil and I were younger. I didn't go to church, nor did I participate in anything religious period, once I began questioning my sexuality when I was eleven due to their less than secretive hatred of anything other than the 'white-straight-cis-childbearing-two people' couple.

Opa still went but Gil and I decided to stop going, instead we stayed home and tried to make lunch for Opa for when he got home at two o'clock every Sunday.

Gilbert was fourteen and three years older than me when I found out he was dating a boy in his class, which had confused me since just four months prior he told me he was dating a girl named Kara. The questions turned to a discussion, and that discussion turned into me doing as much research as I could, ultimately figuring out I was homosexual when I was thirteen after a long time of denial.

However, Feli assured me this was not the case with the church they went to, and that showed during the service and how kind everyone was.

Since then, I'd gone out three more times.

Twice with Gilbert and Matthew and once with Feli, and no matter how much I love being able to go out and do more things...I'm starting to become afraid...and it's all due to a certain Italian I can't stop thinking about.

I'm starting to like Feli...really like Feli.

Really liking Feli means falling in love with Feli, and falling in love means dating, and dating means sex.

Really liking Feli is dangerous, horrifying, and I know it will only end in pain.

However, despite that, I don't want to stop hanging out with Feli.

I want to continue messaging him, video chatting while I bake and he paints, and meeting up to walk Alaric and Noodle. I want to go to his café and listen to him talk about his day, something Lovi and Toni did that was funny, how adorable Peter, Alexander, and Andrei are.

I want to hear him talk about everything, and that's something that terrifies me.

"So...Lud...?"

I look up to Gilbert when he walks into the living room, where Matthew and I are doing some online shopping for Matthew's service dog, which was matched with Matthew a few days ago and should be arriving here in two weeks, where the dog (a three-month-old Rottweiler Matthew wants to name Padfoot) will begin his basic commands and training.

Gil looks a bit nervous as he stands in the doorway. "So you know about Lovino and Toni going to Spain today for Toni's aunts wedding correct?" I nod, Feli had mentioned it to me a few days ago. "Well...Feli doesn't want to be alone for that long, and originally he was going to stay with Michelle and Camille, but they aren't able to due to some family stuff with Camille, so Feli thought about staying with you? Would...would that be okay? It would only be for four days."

"I...I guess that would be fine?" I say, but it's more of a question rather than an actual, confident answer.

Gilbert seems to realize this.

"Are you sure? If you aren't sure they can ask-"

"No, I'm sure."

Gil seems to accept this easier because he nods once and puts his phone to his ear, "he said that sounds fine." He nods at something the other person said before turning back to me, "can I give Lovino and Toni your address? If not, I can meet them somewhere in about two hours?"