Whisked Away

28. Leaving the Lone Islands and Dreams

Shifra's POV
The next three weeks we were very busy. We had to restock the ship and help the now Duke Bern, but at long last, we were setting sail once again. I, however, was filled with shame and could not bring myself to do anything. I could not eat, I did not sleep, and I could not even bring myself to go on deck and look out at the sea. I knew that I was undeserving of the abilities and long life Aslan had given me, but this was so much more.

I had not only disobeyed him, but I did so without thinking about it. I was not sure whether that made it worse or better. The others had noticed my change in behavior, but none said anything to me about it. One day when I was hiding below deck as usual, I heard the voice of Caspian whisper from above deck, "This can't go on. She isn't speaking or eating. I haven't seen her drink anything. She can't go on like this."

Lucy's voice replied, "Caspian, she feels terrible, I don't suppose..."

"Lu," Edmund interrupted, "I have some idea how she feels. This can't be solved by trying to get her to eat or even really talking to her."

"But I don't even know what it is that's wrong," Caspian exclaimed desperately, "Is there something you two know that I don't?"

The other two hesitated and I could imagine them glancing at one another. "Well," Edmund started, "When we were on the ship talking about walking across the island, Shifra heard a voice in her head. It was Aslan's voice. He used to talk to her a great deal, but he told her to stay silent and not to fight. He didn't specify when, but Shifra sort of...lost her head I suppose when you were being bought."

"So she must be blaming herself, I know I would," Lucy continued, trying to help Caspian understand. "You see, I don't know how much she's told you, but all her abilities and even her wings came from him. I'd imagine she feels as though she is undeserving of them." None of them seemed to know how to respond and I heard their voices no more.

They were of course right, but another thought had crossed my mind. Caspian had asked me to marry him, which I would love too, but...Liliandul. She was the mother of Rilian. Would the rest of the story go as it should without her? I was angry with myself for falling for Caspian, if I had not then I wouldn't be in this mess. I should have never asked Aslan to send me to Narnia, I've screwed up everything. As my mind was full of my troubles, I was suddenly pulled into a deep sleep.

I saw myself staring back at me through a full length mirror. I was dressed in a white dress that was simple at the top, but the bottom was very flowy and beautiful. Around my neck was my necklace I got from Father Christmas all those years ago.

At that moment the door to the room opened and Lucy came in. "Anastasie, you look beautiful," she said.

"What? Who is..." I broke off, a memory flooding back to me. A woman standing over me, yelling that name at me. "My...name..." I shook it off and Lucy took my arm and started to lead me to the door.

"He's waiting for you," she whispered with a chuckle. I opened the door and saw Caspian at the end of an ilse on the ship. She led me toward him, but I saw no joy in his face. When I was finally at the end, he suddenly reached out and pulled on the chain harshly.

"You have ruined everything!" Caspian shouted. I clawed at the chain, struggling to breath. "You took my son from me and for what? Because you made yourself believe that you loved me?" He scoffed and I looked around wildly for help, but Lucy and Edmund, who I just noticed, were looking on as if they were watching a mildly interesting television show.

Then Lucy, her face now fill of hate, stalked toward me, yelling, "You always ruin everything! You are a selfish pig who is just trying to live out some childhood fantasy!" I shuttered at her words. Was this true? Is that all I wanted?

It was Edmund's turn and as he came towards me I let out a whimper. "You pretended to be my friend, but you don't care about me or anyone but yourself! Why didn't you just go back to your own world when you could have? No one wants you here! Now we're stuck with you!"

I turned back to look at Caspian, but his face was so full of hate that I could not stand it. I looked away, tears filling my eyes. "Oh look," Caspian taunted, "The vixen is tearing up. Trying to manipulate us again I'll wager." I was sobbing by now and then I saw him. Aslan had now come.

I was really crying in earnest now, for this was the one I was most scared for, but something about him seemed wrong. This Aslan was smaller and his eyes were solid black instead of their usual golden brown. "I was only taking pity on you when I brought you here. You are not worthy of the gifts I bestowed upon you. I should have left you to be abused and harmed for the rest of your days." His voice was echoed and oddly distorted.

Caspian tightened his grip around the chain so that it completely cut off my windpipe. I shot up in my hammock, gasping for air and grabbing at my throat, feeling for the marks of the chain. I saw Edmund and Eustace staring at me, for night had fallen while I slept. I felt a pair of arms slither around my waist as Caspian sat up.

"Love, what is it?" Caspian asked. I could not answer for I was shocked into silence. I felt the marks from a chain at my throat. My heart rate spiked. So that was real, they really thought those things about me. They hated me, all of them. I was panicking. My breathing was ragged and disorganized.

"She's having a panic attack," shouted Edmund. He rushed forward and tried to get me to look at him. "Shifra, try and take deep breaths." I did try, but the sound of his voice sent me into a panic again. Then for the second time, I passed out.

I was too scared to open my eyes, for I could not deal with that again. "Open your eyes, child," the deep voice of Aslan commanded. I did so, but found I could not look him in the face. "What you saw was not real. That was your worst fears."

"Aslan," I asked, "Have I messed everything up? Will Rilian not be born now? Will he not be taken? He seeks that snake to avenge his mother so if I become his mother I cannot die for him to avenge me."

"Child," he interrupted, for I had been talking a mile a minute, "Those events will happen no matter what. Some events are too important to not happen." I nodded, but wondered if he was angry with me. "Speak your thought."

"When...when you told me to not fight and stay silent," I started, looking to the ground for I could not bare to look him in the face, "I did not do as you said. When Caspian was bought, I did so. I'm not worthy of what you have given me."

"So you want me to take back what has been given?" Aslan asked.

"Well..." I replied carefully and sensibly, "of course I don't want them gone, but I do not feel worthy of them."

"Who willingly sacrificed themself to be tortured and killed by the witch? Who gave up a quite life of retirement to continue to train and lead armies? Who has taken on more duties than any general has or should?" Aslan asked.

"M-me I suppose," I replied, stuttering.

"Then you have earned it," he answered, "We all make mistakes. You may be a goddess, but your heart is still human. Be sad no longer and hold your head high like you once did. They will need your strength soon enough." I nodded and was awake once more.

I saw Caspian and Edmund speaking in low voices at the door with Lucy. Concern heavily lined their faces, but they hadn't noticed my awakening. Caspian was saying, "She was muttering something. I heard her say, 'I'm sorry' over and over.'"

"You think she had a bad dream?" Lucy asked. Caspian shook his head as if to say that he had no idea. My head felt very heavy and I had to lay it back down.

I let out a small groan and whispered, "Casp?"

"I'm here, love," he replied, laying his hand on my head. "She's burning up."

"I'm just dehydrated," I replied in a soft whisper. Soon water was brought to me and I felt better after drinking it. Soon I was drifting off again and this time I had a dreamless sleep.