loving the moon. ⇏ hwabyul ✅

IV

friday, june 8

"WHAT?" i said, flustered.

"you heard me hye" hajoon said, trying, unsuccesfully to hide his grin. 

i dared a glance toward byul and our eyes locked. she instantaneously looked away. "i'll take the 3 shots, i barely know her" i said, panicking. 

"BOOOOOO" everyone said in unison. 

i looked at byul again. she looked disappointed. or is it just me? i'm probably crazy. she doesn't like me. we've known each other for like, what? 2 days?

jieun handed me the shots and i downed them as fast as i could. just for them to go to the next damn turn already. 

the bottle started to spin again. the game ended and it didn't land on either byul or me. thank gOd. i really didn't need anymore embarrassment this evening.  they wanted to play another game but i told them i would sit out this round. byul stayed behind. i actually don't think she saw me leave. 

i started to leave, wanting a drink. really bad. i found myself a bottle and just took the whole thing. i sat on one of the couches and just let it all out. almost all the way done with the bottle, i saw byul looking for me. she came up to me. 

"hey i was wondering where you went. what happened?" byul asked, already catching up to me. 

"i don't know, i needed a drink. i'm starting to hate this party, kinda borriinggggg," i said, words slurring. 

"what? are you drunk?"

"what if i am? you wouldn't give a shit about me anyways. i've tried, and i've tried, multiple times to forget about my life back then, when everything mattered because he was there! my dad was such a protective spell with me and now he's not here to protect me! i miss him! and these fucking anxiety attacks make it even worse! i hate my life! why can't it just be like normal again," and with that i was on the floor. i didn't even know that i was crying until byul came and hugged me on the floor, wiping my tears away. 

"hey, listen to me, i know it's hard, i can't tell you anything because i have both of y parents but i know how it feels to lose someone that you really love. it hurts like hell. i thought that i would never get over it. but with time, and with the people that i love, i gradually coped with it. did i get over it completely to this day? no i did not. but i learned how to cope with this type of thing. i'm here to tell you that this get's better. i promise."

i didn't say anything. she just wrapped me in her arms and let me cry my eyes out.  

we stayed in there for what seemed like eternity, not saying a single word, when finally she said, "why did you choose the shots?" 

"what?"

"when we were playing the uh, the game earlier, you chose the shots over kissing me. why?" 

"um, i don't know, i barely know you, i thought it would be weird to kiss a girl that i've only known for 2 days, plus we sleep in the same house, let alone, on the same bed. i didn't want it to seem weird. now tht i think about it, it seems kindaaa funnyyyy" i said laughing. 

"oh. i see what you mean. but why not take the chance? i wouldn't have minded." byul said. oh shit, serious face. 

"i'm sorry, byulieeeee it won't happen againnnn. i promise," i said, holding out my pinky finger. 

 nmkjshe laughed and took it in her pinky. "you're so cute when you're drunk."

i looked at her and tilted my head. "hey miss byul, if i didn't know any better i'd say you were flirting with me." 

"you know what? maybe i am," she said. 

"heyyyyyy whoaaa whoaaaa whoaaaa there missyyyyyyy, i ain't gayyy."

"okay, okay. sorry little miss bratty drunk princess," she said, laughing. 

"whaaaat? i ain't drunkk," i said. 

"why did hajoon tell you to kiss me? he doesn't even know me." 

"uhhhh, i don't know. jieun told me something along the lines of 'we'll get you two together by the end of the night' or some shit." 

"oh. which one is jieun?" byul asked.

"the short one with short brown hair. i think," 

"why'd she say that?" 

"i don't know, cause we walked in together? and also, i don't go to parties with anyone anymore. matter of fact, i don't go anywhere anymore. at all." 

"i'm so sorry hyejin. but do you think she meant it?" 

"i don't know. i've never loved anyone before. i don't know what it feels like, or how it looks like or anything." 

"it's okay. you don't have to know about love to experience it. you don't have to date everyone to know what love feels like because that's not it. love is when you can tell that person everything, no matter the severity. love is when you feel like you can be yourself around that person. when you can feel butterflies everytime you see they're face. when everytime they smile, you want to kiss them, when they cry, you want to hold them forever, and when they hav a bad day, you wouldn't hesitate to stay with them until it gets better. that is love." by this time, byul was crying, hard. 

i went to her and i hugged her. for a long time. i pulled back and cupped her face in my hands. "are you okay?"

"yes." 

i stared at her for a long time. she started sobbing again. "no! no i'm not, okay? i just, i dont know," she said, falling to the ground. 

"i don't know what's happening with you right now, but i'm here for you, okay? i'll stay here as long as you need." 

"you don't have to do that." 

"yes i do. now i'll wait here for you." 

"no, you don't get it hyejin, i'm not crying because of my family. i'm not crying because of yongsun." 

"why are you crying?" i was useless asking though, because i think i already know the answer. 

"nothing. i'm going back to the house." she started to pull out of my grip, walking back toward our house. 

"byul! hey! byul! please let me talk to you," 

i pulled her back and she turned. "wha-" 

i didn't give her a chance to finish because i turned and put my lips on hers.

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hola amigos! i'm so sorry i haven't updated in forever. but i think i'll start updating every other week from now on! i've just been stressed with school and shit.

i came out to my parents hahahahahaha. that did not go out well, but fuck it i'm still gay. 

love you guys<3

~mariza :3