Slide Away

o n e

 I have nothing to hold onto and that's why I didn't fight as I slowly started to slide away. I didn't fight to breathe, to move, to think. I let myself slide away. I wanted to slide away on that day. I wanted to die and I thought that I certainly deserved to. I was ready to say goodbye to everyone I loved.

I wanted to slide away on that day and I want to slide away today.

------------------------------ Katniss's POV ---------------------------- 

"The two bullets he took to his stomach hit important organs. I was able to stop the bleeding after I found the source. The two bullets he took to his chest punctured his lungs. I'm surprised he was still able to breathe after taking the first one," My mother talked to Hazelle as I sat in my chair next to Gale's bedside, gripping his limp hand. 

"I did stop the bleeding in his lungs but I don't trust he can breathe on his own. Every breath he takes by himself is shakey and it sounds painful. I put him back on the ventilator just in case." My mother continues. "He lost a lot of blood Hazelle."

   Twelve hours. He was in the OR for twelve hours. His heart stopped more than once which is why it took twelve hours. They had to keep stopping to get his heart to beat.

"The blood loss might have thrown him into a coma, I won't know for sure until all the Anastasia is out of his system. I am trying to help give him blood." My mother nods towards the IV bag that holds dark red blood.

    He had a regular IV and an IV that gave him blood. Morphing was being pumped into his system as well. My mother didn't want him to be in pain when he woke up. If he ever woke up. He had been asleep for four months. This was the tenth surgery he's had, he seemed to slip away father and father with every surgery. Everyone was making excuses on why he wasn't waking up.

"He's just tired dear."

"Were keeping him asleep so he doesn't suffer."

   There were so many other excuses Hazelle and I had been told over the past few months. I just wanted him to wake up. I wanted to feel his hand grip mine back and I wanted to hear his voice one last time. 

"He'll be alright?" Hazelle asks.

"I don't know. He's weak and from what I've gathered over those few months, he's not in his body." Mom sighs. "It'd be a miracle if he woke up."

"He's alive, that's all that matters," I say.

"Barley." My mother says back.

   I grip Gale's hand, taking a deep breath. It was better than him being dead. He was alive. That's all that mattered to me.  As long as he was alive, my hope was alive.  I didn't know what I would do if I lost him again. I would probably lose myself.

"I'll be back to check on him in an hour or so," Mom says. 

Hazelle nods her head, "Thank you."

    My mother leaves the drop and I drop my head against Gale's hip with a groan. I was exhausted. I haven't slept very long over these past few months.  The last time Gale was conscious it was a day after he was admitted to the ICU. He was awake, but only for a few seconds before he fell back into the darkness.

"Hey." He whispers, gripping my hand.

"Hey, Gale." I smile slightly.

"I thought you'd be gone by now." He mumbles 

I shake my head, "I'm gonna stay right here and cause all kinds of trouble."

Somehow through the pain, he smiles slightly, "Me too."

I run a hand through his hair and watch as the drunks drag him back under and into the dark.

   I sit up looking at my best friend. Dark hair messy, bags under his eyes, pale face. He looked as if he was sleeping. If we took that tube from his mouth it would look believable. I look at all of the monitors. The one that keeps track of his heart rate, his blood pressure. I then look to Hazelle how stands in the doorway looking at me and her unconscious son.

"I hate hospitals," I say to Hazelle, making her laugh. It was half true. I didn't like sitting in a hospital room with monitors all around me, beeping, telling me what I didn't want to hear. I didn't like all the doctors and how it always smelt clean. 

"No one does." Hazelle smiles.

  I glance at Gale's face. He's sleeping. My eyes meet Hazelle's again and she sighs. My eyes follow her as she walks into the room sitting at the foot of his bed. She's silent for a second as am I. Mrs. Hawthorne looks at her son's face and then to me finally.

"What are we going to do." She asks.

"I don't know what I'll do," I say. "It'll probably be these past two years all over again."

Hazelle sighs, "I would love you see you smile again, even hear that beautiful laugh of yours."

"I want to hear his laugh," I whisper, looking back to Gale. "And see his smile. Not the one he gives everyone, I want to see his real smile."

"It would be nice to see his smile." She nods.

"I don't just want that though," I say. "I want to hear his voice and have his arms around me. I want to laugh as he rolls his eyes at me. I want to feel his lips against mine, against my skin. I want to hear him scolding me, I want to hear him rant. "

I don't know the tears are falling down my face until I feel them slowly running down my cheeks. I have never wanted anything so bad in my life. Never, not once.  

"Gale's father used to tell him and I that you never knew how much you loved something, someone till you've lost it or them."

  I nod my head. Gale had told me that I might hate something but I would miss it once it was gone. He had told me many times and I hated it. Just like I hated listening to him rant and hated watching him roll his eyes at me. Just like I used to hate it when he touched me, he hugged me. Now that he lies in a hospital bed, hanging on by a thread. Sliding away farther and farther every day I realized just how much I loved all those things. I've realized just how much I loved him. 

   I wipe away my tears with the heels of my hands and takes a few deep, collected breaths to push down the sobs that threatened to come out of me.  I close my eyes taking deep breaths. In and out. In and Out.

"You never know how much you love something until its gone," Gale says.

"I'm not going to miss you calling me Catnip," I say, shifting my bag over my shoulder.

"You never know, Catnip."

"Stop calling me that! My name is Katniss!" I groan.

He smiles. Not the one I see outside the woods, this one was real. If working in the mines in a few years took away anything I bet it would be that smile. No one ever smiles anymore here. I only smile in the woods, that's what Gale says anyway. 

"I'll see you tomorrow," He says. "Katniss."

I nod my head slightly, "See you tomorrow Hawthorne."

   I let out a shaky breath. Catnip. If I missed anything it was him calling me Catnip. When he called me he always smiled. When he called me Catnip he was able to bring a smile across my face a giggle even. He is the light in my dark world and damn I hate it.

"You were right, Gale," I whisper to him. "You never know how much you love something till it's gone."