A real requiem for Connor Murphy

Sincerely, forever

Dear Evan Hansen,

The remembered words hit Evan like a freight train. More tears welled up in his eyes. Two years. Two fucking years he was in love with Conner Murphy. Evan knew he had problems with depression, but he never thought he'd... he never thought..

Evan and Connor had been together since the middle of sophomore year. It was a secret since neither of them were out to their families. It was relatively easy to hide, Evan's mom was never home, when they went out together no one ever noticed, and after an awkward conversation they agreed to talk through a private email. Just in case his sister Zoe or parents checked it for whatever reason.

Of course, Evan had thought about coming out before, but who could he come out to? Jared? He'd probably have some sarcastic comments to make about him being Bi, especially if he told him about Connor. And his mom, Heidi? Well, she was always busy and why would Evan interrupt her? They promised they wouldn't tell anyone about their relationship until they were ready. Connor never wanted to come out, and honestly, Evan was too scared to. Besides, why would their sexualities matter to anyone else anyway?

Well now it mattered too much, it felt like the world was closed off around him.

Three days ago it had just been the first day of senior year. Sure it was concerning that Connor was avoiding him, but he needed space sometimes. But then Evan got more concerned when Connor wasn't at school. And Connor wasn't responding to his texts or emails. Evan was panicking and trying to keep it cool. Earlier that day, Evan was called down to the office, and who else did he see but Connor's parents. Sitting right across from an empty chair. His heart sank, terror settle into his skin. He was encouraged to sit down, though he wanted to bolt out of the room.

Mr.Murphy started talking, but Evan could barely make out anything he was saying. "Connor had mentioned your name before, but we never knew you were friends... He.. He clearly wanted you to have this." Evan could barely hear the sentence over his own heartbeat.

When that folded paper was placed into Evan's hands his world started crumbling around him. Connor took his own life. The Murphys confirmed it. The words he's never read the same again written right at the top of the page.

Dear Evan Hansen,

He was trembling, his brain was scattered and his thoughts were incoherent. Connor couldn't be dead. Evan was tearing up, he felt like he couldn't breath. He just couldn't be.

"Connor couldn't have-," Evan's voice was trembling, "Connor couldn't have written this because that- that would mean Connor is dead and he can't be."

"This- These can't be his last words to me-"

"They are. They are Evan." Mr.Murphy said firmly. Mrs.Murphy looked tense and scrunched up in grief.

"Connor-" Evan covered his mouth which his hand, the other gripped tightly on the last physical thing he had left of Connor. Tears spilled from Evan's eyes as a sickening pain ached through his chest. He sobbed there, in front of the Murphys, sobbed until his lungs hurt and his face was damp. Mrs.Murphy started sobbing too, she got up from her seat and hugged Evan like a lifelong friend.

Evan had 'calmed down' from unable to breath, which was a small improvement. If you could call it that. The Murphy's invited him to dinner. To talk about his friendship with Connor. Evan resisted the urge to cry at his boyfriend's parents inviting him to dinner enough to say yes. Evan debated whether this was a good choice for a moment. Even though Mrs.Murphy looked so happy at him agreeing. It was true that Evan knew so much about Connor, but how much could he tell them? He couldn't out Connor. What if the Murphys saw their son as a disgrace if he told them? Even if they did accept him, a two year long secret relationship might be the wrong thing to start with. He just had to pretend that Connor and him were friends, at least at first.

Dinner was stressful. Sure at first it was just normal question answering. Yes, Connor told him about the Harrisons. Connor hated Skiing. Connor and Him hung out at Evan's house most of the time. Evan covered saying Connor texted him mainly, leaving the secret emails out of their 'ways they had conversations' box. Which checked out since apparently Mr.Murphy checked Connor's recent texts. Thank goodness for secret email accounts. Zoey kept sided eyeing him. She was asking most of the probing questions. She was suspicious, but Evan couldn't blame her. Some kid comes into your life claiming to be friends with your brother when YOU have never seen said kid before must look really suspicious. Evan's hands were sweating. Evan made up some excuse about his mom getting worried. And the Murphys, despite Mrs.Murphy's disappointment, told him goodbye and watched him leave.

When Evan got home he locked the door and walked to his room. The hallways seemed so empty and hollow. He stepped gently into his room, the door closed just as quietly behind him. He sighed and leaned against the door, head in his good hand.

It's like he could hear him still.

That day at the orchard months prior played in his mind like an agonizing record on replay, echoing.  The breeze blowing the long black hairs into Connor's face. The way he leaned against the old wooden fence. How Connor teased him when he saw Evan staring. Hopping over the fence and running into the overgrown grass. Tripping and falling and laughing like nothing else mattered besides the two of them. When Connor finally turned to face him and spoke again,

"There's nowhere else I'd rather be."

Evan's chest ached. He barely noticed that he'd slid down the door onto the carpeted ground. His head leaned back onto the hardwood.

"Me too."

Evan opened his blurry eyes and looked at the palm of his cast. The name Connor written right smack dab in the middle of it. 'I don't want to take up too much room on your cast Evan, I'm not that possessive.', those were the exact words Connor Murphy said when he sat on Evan's hospital bed with a sharpie in his right hand. Evan breathed out a laugh at the memory, which was all the movement his face needed to let the tears welling up in his eyes run down his cheeks. A tremor wracked through his body. Evan shrunk down, head in his knees, as he sobbed.