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I'm sick of saying I'm fine but I'm not tbh I'm far from fine I cry everyday and wish I was dead and I shouldn't feel guilty for feeling that way but somehow I can't be sad without a million questions or ruining everyone's mood which makes it worse I don't know what to do anymore I struggle to smile to put a face on and act ok when I'm falling apart when I play my music that's me getting my feelings out in the only healthy way I know how I understand it's depressed songs and about losing someone you love or heart break because that's how I feel I've lost myself and I just wanna be ok again I want someone to hug me and tell me it's all going to be ok someone to wipe my tears when I don't know what to do. I don't cry for attention I don't cry to act soft I don't cry to make you feel bad I cry because otherwise I'm gonna scream because if I don't cry I don't know what else my bodies gonna make me do. I have an empty hole in my gut maybe that's where the happiness was maybe that's not eating properly maybe that's the lack of sleep maybe that's the all the tears whatever it is it sucks and it hurts. I just want to be happy is that so much to ask is it selfish of me to want to be ok again I wanna dance in my room and be confident in what I wear and leave the house thinking I don't care about everyone else's opinions. I hate being like this I hate being me I hate walking across the field silently I hate making everyone else feel awkward or uncomfortable just because I can't be happy not truly happy not happiness that is deep inside my stomach a happiness that lights my face up and makes me ugly smile. I hide behind my innocence and I hide and act shy and happy and bubbly because I've had to act for so long that people assume this is me that I'm boring and sit in my room and enjoy school and love scrunchies. I wear my scrunchies not as a outfit choice but to hid my wrists then people don't stare and they don't ask questions because I always wear them so what's there to be suspicious of? Sure I think they are cute and definitely makes an outfit come together don't get me wrong but just because they hid what's underneath doesn't mean it's gone it doesn't make it fine and it doesn't make me fine.
