I'm Still Standing

33

Rachel

Jon was gone a while on a road trip up out to the east coast so I was going to be alone for a while. And while being alone isn't new to me, it stings just a little bit more now than it did back then. Because while being alone can mean a number of things, without my mom and Jon I really do feel alone in this world. It's nice to have someone who understands you and cares for you. And I know my happiness shouldn't rely on others, I know it's not supposed to be up to them whether I smile or not. But I'm not strong like other girls and I like being with people. Knowing that my presence is wanted and that I'm loved. Even if it's from just one person, that's enough.

But I had to go it in my own for a while. I needed some time to figure things out and keep moving forward.

At about 1 in the afternoon I hear a knock on the door and I look at it weird. Jonathan was away and this was his place so he shouldn't have been getting visitors if he's gone. So I hobble off the couch and over to the door. I look through peep hole than nearly fall over causing another accident. I see Jeremys daughter Brandi standing there with flowers and I stop. This has to be some kind of joke.

"Rachel" she starts and I cover my mouth. "Can we please talk?"

I stare at the door secretly wishing it would crumble keeping me in and her and all my other problems out. But I know that's not how problems come to resolutions, only a problem fixed is a problem fixed.

So I put my hand on the handle before letting out a deep breath. I inhale slowly before opening the door. I see her standing there and I felt blank. Like there's nothing I could say or do, I just felt empty.

"Hey" I say softly.

"Hi" she replies. "I wanted to come to talk to you and apologize" she starts as she holds up the flowers.

"You think flowers makes up for what happened" I ask her. She lets out a long sigh as she shakes her head.

"No, I don't. But dad said you loved flowers so I figured it was a start" she claims.

I look at her and see a lot of me. She wanted to be loved, she didn't want to feel alone in this world. And while what she did was horrid, it wasn't her fault. In a way I should thank her for saying something when she did and not when I was in over my head. When I would tell myself that what he did was okay simply because I didn't want to lose him too.

"They're beautiful flowers" I admit and she smiles a little. She looks up at me as she laughs at my comment.

"They're pretty great" she agrees.

"Here, come on in" I offer as I move to the side. She hesitates at first but comes in eventually. I have her place the flowers on the table before we move to the couch. She doesn't even look at me as she tried to figure out what to say. Bailey cuddles up to me because she was my emotional support dog and she always took good care of me.

But at this point what is there to say?

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry for discussing what I said when and where I said it. It wasn't my place to tell you and not in the way I did it" she starts.

"In a way I should be thanking you. I would have never known if it wasn't for you" I insist.

"But you didn't deserve to find out like that" she argues.

"Yeah, that was not good" I admit making her laugh.

"I'm sorry for everything, really. I didn't see this situation from your point of view. I thought you were coming in here to take my dad away from me and make my life a mess. But you just wanted a family" she realizes.

"That's all I ever wanted. I wanted my dad and a mom like Tracy who is so wonderful and so loving. I wanted a brother like Brett who never wants to leave me alone but only because he loves me.

And I wanted a sister like you. Someone I can talk to about boys with and ask opinions about outfits. Someone I can hang out with and would understand me. Even though we don't have the same two parents we could have still been great friends" I insist.

"I still would like that a lot" she claims and I smile.

"Really" I ask.

"Yeah" she sighs. "I see that you never wanted to hurt me in any way. I was being insensitive and didn't realize that you coming into our family was a blessing. You reached out and everyone in my family reached back except for me. And I was being stubborn, a spoiled brat who wanted to be daddy's little girl" she explains.

"It's okay" I assure her.

"Are you sure" she questions.

I smile as I just nod. "Yeah. I mean you're here now so that has to mean something right? This whole thing has taught me that what I want isn't in my past but in my future. And it wouldn't be much a future without my sister" I smile.

"You don't have to do this. I know I haven't given you a reason to trust in me" she claims.

"But you have. You're here and you've owned up to your mistakes. You can't be down on yourself because you've messed up. We all have" I assure her.

"Dad still bests himself up about what he did to you" she claims.

I look at my hands in my lap as I play with my fingers. I let out a sigh as I shake my head. "That's different" I whisper.

"He still loves you" she insists.

"And I love him. No matter how upset I might be I still love him. Always will. But love isn't always enough to stay, I saw that as I grew up with two parents in two different places in their lives. Sometimes it's easy to overcome the things that are present outside of love. Sometimes it's not so easy" I say softly.

"Are you going to forgive dad" she wonders.

"Forgiveness is earned. Like you coming here today and being very mature and trying to get better. What he did... there's no undoing" I insist.

"Well mom really misses you, she keeps trying to get me to cook with her but it hasn't worked out" she claims making me laugh. "Brett misses you a lot too. He's been wanting to bring you to practice. But dad misses you the most" she claims.

"I think I had enough time to think. I'll see what I can do" I promise.