I'm Still Standing

55

Rachel

Growing up I had a rough life. And I know, there are people out there who had it way worse than I had it. My mom would always say "there's someone out there in more pain than you", but it never made me feel any better. If anything it made me feel worse because not only is my pain on my mind but the pain of others like me. And I was lucky, I had one parent who loved me enough to fit into two parents. My dad bought a apartment for us to stay in and mom worked a job to provide food and clothing for me. I had the best of a bad situation I guess.

But growing up the way I did, it leaves scars. I couldn't have friends over because dad didn't want anyone else finding out about us. I had to use my moms maiden name for school so people couldn't figure it out. I couldn't go to my friends house either because who knows what questions they'll ask. It's not like I had family to lean on, outside of my parents my family didn't even exist. For Christmas my mom has to leave me with a sitter so her family didn't suspect anything. I never got to experience going to the games with my dad, I didn't get to go on trips or do much that asked for a birth certificate where my father signed his name. I played in no sports and signed up for no classes.

To most people I didn't exist. Do you know how hard it is to find yourself when you virtually don't exist? I was just a little girl when I started to put two and two together. I realized that I don't have a dead beat dad. He just has a whole another life he would much rather be a part of. I know he says I wasn't a mistake, but I wasn't supposed to happen either. And some times I wish I didn't. I felt so lonely sitting in my room by myself. I would see dad on TV or on billboards and I had to act like I never knew him. It killed me inside to watch a friend from school get picked up by their dad and I had to do after school until my mom got off of work. My heart broken when I watched my friends dad throw them in the air and catch them or give them a hug. I died inside every single day I saw stuff like that.

And Mom and I only did argue once, to make matters worse it was about dad. She said I couldn't go see him and I said I hated her for stopping me from being with him. The worst part was that she would rather me think that I hated her than think that I was unwanted or unloved. She protected him better than most wives protect their husband. He gave her no reason to stay hidden and try our best to live our lives without him. But she swallowed her pride and she kept her mouth shut. She stayed at the same job her whole life just so she can support me and protect dad.

Even though I know she knew I didn't really hate her, telling her that was hard. This woman gave up everything for me and I was being spiteful. It rarely ever happened but I wish it never did. I wish I understood that what she was doing for me was something she got nothing out of. She did it because she loved me, and because she loved me I have a restaurant to keep her memory alive.

On this dreary day I head out to her gravesite. I had my umbrella above me as I kneel next to my moms headstone. I place some flower in the vase as I let out a sigh. I missed her like hell and with how crazy life has been I would kill to hear her advise. She was so wise and always right with her ideas. I wished more than anything people got to see that, but unfortunately it wasn't meant to be.

I leave the grave before I had a breakdown and I go to the restaurant. Whenever I get worked up I either run or work and with this weather running was out of the question so work it is. I walk in and find Jonny at a table by himself. He looked out the window as he watched the rain fall down the window. I go over and sit across from him as he smiles.

"There you are" he says all cheerful. Like he was so happy to see me even though we were with each other at the house hours before.

"Here I am" I smile as I try to dry off.

"I actually wanted to talk to you about something" he admits as he points to the seat across from him. I take a seat as I try to figure out what this is all about.

"What's up" I wonder.

"The Blackhawks are having everyone pick a charity to raise money for, then throughout the season they will auction off our stuff and whatever money we raise will go to our charity. I was wondering if it was okay if I had all my donations go to lung disease patients in memory of your mother" he asks.

A smile fights it's way onto my face as I sigh. "That's really what you want" I question.

"It is" he insists. "Without your mom doing what she did I wouldn't have my most favorite person with me here today. Thanks to her I have you and she's not here for me to thank her. So I figured if I could help out others like her that would be thanks enough" he explains.

"Oh Jonny, that's a wonderful idea" I admit.

"You sure it doesn't hit too close to home? Because if it is I can figure something else out" he promises.

"No no" I assure him. "I think this would be really good. We can raise awareness and maybe my mom wouldn't have died for no reason."

"Awesome. Then I will let them know that from here on out any money I raise or is donated to my cause is go to the research and treatment of lung disease" he says.

I reach over and place my hand on top of his as I squeeze it. "Thanks for talking to me" I say.

"Of course. I could tell you were having a rough day. You ran twice as long as you usually do this morning and now it's raining and you visited your moms grave. I know there is a lot going on right now, I just want to take your mind off of it" he explains.

"You are my favorite distraction" I assure him.

"Is that why you were about to go to work" he smirks.

I laugh as I just shake my head. "Working is a habit. You are a passion" I promise.

"Good" he winks.