I'm Still Standing

7

Rachel

Schooling shouldn't mean everything to someone. I know it's hard to believe, everyone thinks they have to go to college. That's what they tell you, even though your parents might not have gone they expect you to. High school teachers sit at the front of the class and tell you that everything they do prepares you for college.

The truth is all the important things you need to know you will learn one way or another. It might be the hard way, but you'll learn. College is just a way to pay a shit ton of money to say that you know things you could have learned in a YouTube video if you really wanted to. In order to get a job they don't call for a YouTube education, they want a college one so here we are.

But what I wanted to learn from my experiences was how to make amazing meals and fancy desserts so college isn't a bad idea for me. What I want is hands on and specific to what I need to know. I enjoyed college and was in my third year of classes. It wasn't cheap but I got a lot of scholarship money, especially now that mom is gone. Everything she had she left for me but it wasn't that much. Trying to get her treatment took up most of her money but it was worth it. I would rather not go to college and be living with her on the streets then not have her and be in college. But I promised her when she passed that I was going to follow my dream and do my best to be a daughter that she would be proud of.

I sit in the library as I read through my cook books to pass the time. Believe it or not but there's a lot to learn in the culinary arts. And I knew a lot of it already, my momma was part Italian and I learned a lot from her. Cooking was something we always did together and I learned everything there is to know about it growing up. Like I said there's not a lot you learn in college you can't find out for yourself. But I'm a student of life too and I wanted to do this, for her.

So I spend my day studying measurement types and how to read recipes. Nothing I haven't read a million times before.

I hear my phone buzzing in my back pack and let out a sigh. It's starting to get late so I should probably turn in anyway. I was going to see Jon after the game tonight but until then I was hoping to play with my doggie and grab a bite to eat.

I grab my phone and see it was my dad. I hesitate for a second before finally answering it.

"Hello" I whisper.

"Hey Rach, are you okay? Why are you whispering" he questions.

"I'm fine. I'm leaving the library" I explain as I fling my bag onto my back.

"Oh okay, good. I was wondering what your plans were for the night" he asks.

"I was going to go home and make dinner then catch Jonnys game before we hang out" I explain.

"You and Jonny are hanging out huh" he asks and I blush. I bite my lip as I try not to sound all love struck, but it was hard.

"I guess we're... dating. I don't know. We haven't really talked about the label part but I think dating is a good place to start" I explain.

"Well that's really cool. He's a great dude. I actually called to see if you wanted to come to the game tonight and hang out with me. I can get you some food and we can watch the guys play. Just you and me" he explains.

I stop in my tracks because I wanted years for my dad to call me and want to spend time with me and now I'm here and I'm stuck. Why does he get to decide when he gets to be my father? Why should I let him walk into my life like he didn't leave me and never even asked if I was okay?

But at the same time that's all in the past. He's made his mistakes but he's trying to fix them and I can't hold this over his head. This doesn't mean I trust him or I believe that what he did was okay, those statements couldn't be more wrong. But I do believe that in order to move on I have to move past all that stuff and give him a chance.

"I finished my studies so I can come tonight. What should I wear and where should I meet you" I ask.

"You can wear whatever you want and I can swing by at 6" he says.

"Okay. I'll see you then" I say.

I hang up and let out the longest sigh of my life. I still get nervous talking to him and I don't know what to say. The words never come and I always say "what would mother say". Then I remember I don't know because she's not here and he's all I got now.

I drive on to home to my apartment and I toss my things inside. I change for a run and grab Bailey so she can come with. After a nice hard and long run I get her back inside and give her some dinner before jumping in the shower. I rinse off and braid my hair so it's out of the way. I let a few blonde waves loose to frame my face so I wouldn't have to make it look more full. I apply some mascara and lip gloss then decide it was enough for the night. I pull on a pair of leggings and a nice black top before jumping into a pair of uggs and calling it a day.

My dad comes by and picks me up before taking me to the United Center. He gets treated like royalty around here which was kinda crazy to see. My dad was really famous and I didn't even realize it.

We get up to the boxes where I order chicken tenders and fries and drink some water. "You want to be a culinary artist and you ordered chicken fingers" he asks.

"When I don't know what to get that's just what I order" I shrug as he nods.

"Fair enough" he agrees.

We sit down and the game gets started. I get really into it because even though my dad hurt me I still loved hockey. Mom always loved the Blackhawks, even before she met dad, and long after he left we still watched the games. Plus this is the first game Jon has played in a while and I wanted to watch him live. "You're really into this" my dad notices.

"I love this game. Watching you growing up I wanted to play but I never got the chance. Hockey is expensive and you never really cared enough to ask if I was interested in following in your footsteps. So I watched and I learned and this is a great sport and a great city to play in. I always enjoyed it" I explain.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there Rachie" he says. I cringe as I turn to him.

"Please... don't call me that" I beg. That's what mom called me and only she called me that.

"I'm sorry" he says softly.

"It's okay. It's over" I claim.

"Is it" he asks.

"In order for me to keep moving forward it is. I don't want to be trapped by the past. I want to be free and the only way to do that is to make amends" I explain.

He nods as he turns back to the ice. We sit there in silence for a while before the crowd erupts. I look down and see Jonny celebrating a goal. "He reminds me a lot of you" I admit.

"Yeah, that kid is going to be 10 times better than me in every aspect except for the number maybe. He might not have the big numbers but that's not what makes him a good player. What makes him a good player is his mind frame" my dad explains.

"Am I idiot for thinking he won't hurt me like you hurt me" I wonder.

"Not at all. Everything he is is everything I wished I was" he claims.

I smile to myself as he looks up where we were sitting. His eyes meet mine making his lips pull a little tighter. He sends a smile and it makes my heart skip.