Well Dear Readers, it seems like it’s time for Razel to confess. While I have ranting on and on and on about how Duke Nukem 3D is a phenomenal game, I have never actually finished the game. It's a long beast and I have fuckin' homework to do, don't I? So while I have never actually finished the game I can still give you my opinions on how it's a bloody awesome the game is!
So, for the two people who don't know, Duke Nukem 3D is an old school FPS that came out in 1996, the same year as Quake albeit earlier. John Carmack, the creator of Doom and Quake, openly insulted DN 3D and said that the games engine was "held together with bubble gum". You know, Mr Carmack, that's extremely funny because Duke says "It's time to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and I'm all out of gum." THAT IS EXTREMELY FUNNY, SIR! (Actually it is a little funny.) But then we can forgive Mr Carmack’s insults because he is a fucking genius and created a fully 3D FPS, kudos to that guy.
Now, back in 1996, I wasn't able to play Duke Nukem 3D because I was little more than a sperm in my dad’s testicles. Yes, I wasn't even in the womb yet! I haven't heard anything about any performance problems back in the day so I can't compare the two versions. But guess what Dear Readers, we do not live in 1996 anymore but in the grand days of 2014! These days we spend our time calling people cunts online and ranting about the latest Ubisoft games running like a chain smoker with his Achilles tendon slit in two. But with modern machines, older games run like a fuckin' dream even on my bloody computer which I swear was dug out a fucking dinosaur’s mouth. The ‘HD Remaster’ that DN 3D has been given for its Megaton Edition runs amazingly and so it should, the base game is eighteen fucking years old. If it did run like arseholes then we would have another port to fucking rant about. I’m looking at you, Ubisoft.
While it still does look like a retro FPS, it does look very pretty. All of the textures have a certain sheen to them that looks lightly more colourful than its low res original and has a very nice polished feel to the game. While all the enemies look the same, in design, they still have this nice, fresh look to them that makes them pop out and the game is, overall, more engaging as a result.
The gunplay retains the originals, some fun, fast, balls-to-the-wall bollockery that has been unchanged since 1996 and it is still fucking amazing! The easter eggs are still there, the one liners are still there and the fun, incredible level design is still there. You are essentially buying the same game as you did in 1996 but with some extra bollocks that I’ll get to now.
The Megaton Edition doesn’t just come with the Megaton Edition; I know . . . it’s weird. Duke Nukem: Megaton Edition comes with the HD remaster, the original game that runs through DosBox and three expansion packs, Duke Nukem: Nuclear Winter (perfect for the upcoming Christmas holidays), Duke Nukem: Life’s a beach (Californian Beach bollockery) and Duke it out in D.C (Some fucking thing set in Washingotn, D.C. This is all complete with a level editor to make a pretty perfect package for price of £6.99, feckin' bargain mate!
Every single level in this package is so well crafted and everything works in tandem with each other. If you're used to retro shooters then this will make you cream all over the walls. There are secrets all over the place, some in very tricky places, and finding some of these can make your playthrough so much more enjoyable. The hidden 'secrets' not only contain easter eggs and some ammo but some hide 'Power ups' that Duke can use with a press of the Enter button. These powerups range from a portable medkit to a 'Holuduke which is a hologram of the Badass Hero that can be used to distract enimies. There is a lot of variety in this classic FPS, which seems slightly weird to say.
Now this game has a multiplayer mode, like every fucking game these days, and it can not only used with the games built-in multiplayer maps but also with maps you download from 'Steam Workshop' (where you can also download missions) which pretty much expands this games life span tenfold. While the multiplayer isn't great , it is still enjoyable but there is one problem with the multiplayer and that's the fact that NO ONE IS PLAYING IT. I have found a total of three games since I made my purchase and I made my purchase at the beginning of 2014. If you have friends who are willing to get the game then you've got some great Deathmatch, CTF and even Co-Op to play but right now , no one is on the multiplayer which is a huge shame as , from what I've played, it's proven to be quite enjoyable.
From what you've read above I’m guessing that you can tell I really enjoy this game. The game isn't perfect, no game is, but it is damn well close. Also, for a game that is eighteen years old it holds up so damn well . The gameplay is great, the graphics are great and the soundtrack. . . I'm not gonna spoil for you because guess what, yep, it's fucking great!
9/10
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Reviews of a Nerdaholic
Non-FictionI don't recall how many times I've thought of writing some description for this bollocks but take what you want from it. I review stuff, movies and games mostly but occasionally I may review something else if I feel like it. All depends on what mood...
