Stronger than the Rest

Chapter 17 | Memories

"History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again." -- Maya Angelou

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"I don't get why you can't even admit to yourself, Rose."

I huff at Megan as I lightly jog with Jack tight to my side, not sure what she is talking about. I chose to ignore her implications. "I don't get why you can't jog at the same pace. I mean, are you not doing boxing anymore?"

I turn around and give her a smug look as she shoots me a death glare with sweat dipping down her face. As we round the basketball court, she breaks off and lays in the middle of the court. "I'M DONE." She shouts through her gasping breath. I laugh at her as Jack and I turn back to lay next to her. 

After school was out, Megan and I decided to take Jack for a little jog. It's Friday and Joseph has texted me a few times on whether our date should be tonight or not. I kinda just wanted to hang round with my friends on my birthday and not just Joseph.

"Do you think he'd care if it was a group hangout rather than just us? I mean, we can literally go on a date anytime." Megan's breathing has somewhat turned normal as she sits up and rubs Jack behind the ears. 

"I think a group hangout would be better honestly. I don't want you ditching me for him my first day here." She jokes, "But seriously Rose, I know today is hard for you. Are you sure that you don't want to just stay in like we usually do on your birthday?"

I have been fighting this decision over in my head all day. The last couple years without Leo, Megan and I basically holed ourselves away from the world on my birthday. The nights of my birthdays are when my nightmares are vivid and real. My scar begins to hurt and the image of my brother being murdered plays over and over in my head. The reality of my twin really being gone hurts the most on my birthday. And my parents, well, let's just say we avoid each other as much as possible on this day. My mom already has a hard enough time looking at me on a normal day. 

This year, though... This year seems more bearable. North Carolina has become a blessing in a sick ironic way. It has, mostly, been an escape from the reality of where I grew up with Leo, where he died, and where I mourned him. We always had the best birthday parties, everyone we ever met always showed up, and we are inseparable the whole day. I remember Leo telling our parents on our last birthday together that for our 16th birthday party that they would have to get one of those cars that have two wheels so we can learn to drive together. It was a flawed plan at best, but it made me smile in the memory. The memory quick fades as I remember how I actually spent my 16th birthday. 

Now I'm 18 and Leo is forever stuck at the age of 15. And suddenly, the small amount of hope I had for North Carolina making this bearable races from my mind the more I realize it's never going to be possible. The familiar burn in my eyes and the lump in my throat makes its presence know. I put my head in my hands as I feel the sobs in my chest and suddenly, Jack's head pops it way through my knees and puts his head in my lap. I feel Megan's arms wrap around my middle as more happy memories of my brother mix with the bad ones. 

"Will.. will it ever pass? The flashbacks, the aching... the wishing it was me more than anything." I managed to choke out between sobs to Megan. Jack whimpers and presses himself further against me to calm myself. I let my hands find themselves in his fur and I press my face against the top of his head. I can feel Megan's tears on my arms and she squeezes me tighter. 

"I don't know, Rose. I would say time heals all, but that's bullshit. I have no guidance, no advice, and no words. All I have is my love for you and my ability to try to hold you together." She tightens her hold on me. "The world is unfair and I'm so mad that it hurt my best friend so much." The tears feel hot and sticky against my face, mixing in with the sweat from the sun and the jog. 

I feel stupid that only moment ago I thought about going on a date and hanging out with friends on my birthday. I hate myself for feeling like I could get past it. I hate myself for being the one that live when Leo had to die. 

"I hate this! I hate THIS! UGH!" My sobs keeps coming and I'm getting angrier by the second. Jack pushes me down against the ground and flats himself across my stomach while scooting up to my face. He begins to lick the tears off my face. My furry weighted blanket is only able to calm my panic. Once my breaths slow and my sobs fade away, Jack lets me sit up while he moves to my side. I look at him with tears streaming down my face still, "I love you so much, boy." I grab hold of his neck and hug him while Megan pets his back. "I have no idea what I would do without the two of you." I mumble against his fur.

After what feels like hours, I stand up and look at Megs. "So, what now?" I say feeling empty inside. Megan asks, "Do you want to do something?"

I ponder for a second after the effects of my anxiety attack makes me feel exhausted. My mind wanders to Landon and I have no idea why, but suddenly, I want to see him.

"Let's go find Landon." I state and Megan gives me a bewildered look.

- end of chapter seventeen -

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No comment, but I wrote this on a whim and I hope you like it!

-jlc