A Broken Heart

Chapter 5

I wake up in a frantic, taking a ragged breath. I'm all sweaty, feeling my heart beat fast in my chest. I hold my hand to my chest, trying to force it to slow down. My breathing is ragged, making it hard to take a deep breath. I push off my comforter, get my robe from my desk chair and walk out into the hallway. It's dark and quiet in the hall, the clock only three in the night.

I put my robe on and walk into the bathroom to splash my face with cold water. I hang over the sink as I try to take slower breaths. When my heart slows down a little, I lean over to take a couple sips of water from the flowing faucet. I close the faucet and lean myself against the wall beside the sink.

I really shouldn't have played volleyball today. I knew it, still... when Shawn provoked me like that, I had to show him.

I listen to my heart, hearing the beating loud as it's hitting hard. Please slow down, I ask it.

What nobody knows here is that I have a heart problem.

When I was seven my heart stopped suddenly and I was rushed to the hospital. I didn't leave the hospital for a long time. They got my heart beating again, but as they did tests they realized something strange. My heart doesn't look like everyone else's. They don't know why, but I was born that way.

After a couple of days I was back to normal, but was stuck at the hospital as they did more tests. Finally I got home, but had to visit a specialist a lot for even more examination och investigation on what was wrong. I was ordered not to do anything physical or exhaust myself. I was basically stuck at home, my mom homeschooled me. It sucked.

Then when I was nine I got another episode, as they called it, when my heart started to race and then stop. They got it beating again that time too. But after that the doctor changed his mind. He wanted me to make my heart stronger. That meant being active, exercise and getting good nutrition. That's when my parents let me go to school and I started playing football. It wasn't really my thing though, so the year after I started playing volleyball. And loved it.

Since then I've had a couple more episodes, but mostly small ones. The doctor thought that was a good sign, that making my heart stronger didn't make my heart stop anymore. Then last spring I had two big ones not too far apart. They almost broke me, I was so exhausted. The test showed that my heart was getting tired. Overworked.

I had to stop with volleyball. Which was hard, I really loved that sport. I took a sabbatical from school because I didn't have the energy. For a couple of months I just stayed at home resting and spending time at the doctors.

Then before the summer I got referred to a heart specialist here i Los Angeles. I was feeling stronger, but the test showed that my heart was weaker. They have never seen anything like this before, so they don't know what to do.

I was lucky to get a transfer to UCLA. I did not want to sit at home on my parents couch again doing nothing. I had to fight long and hard with my parents about this, especially my mom. I know this is hard for them, seeing their daughter sick, not being able to do anything about it. But I need to try to live my life like I wasn't sick. I can't be the sick girl.

Now I have to see the doctor here once a week. Funnily enough, my first visit is tomorrow.

My heart has slowed down, making me able to take deeper breaths. I wash my face again with cold water before I go back to our room. Cat is sound asleep in her bed.

I lay awake for a while, not able to fully relax. I get very anxious when this happens. I don't know when my heart will give out and no one knows if it will start again.

After a while I must have fallen asleep, because suddenly my alarm is going off. I see that Cat's bed is empty as I stretch my arms above me. I'm so tired. But I get up and get ready for my class.