RELAPSE - Arthur Fleck | Joker FANFIC/LOVE STORY

Chapter 20: Feigned Success

Arthur's POV:

I paced and occassionally looked out towards the crowd from the side of the stage.  From what I could see, every seat in Pogo's was full.  I gazed at the people in the crowd that were hardly visible because of the smokey haze in the air. This familiar place, that I had been to so many times, felt so different tonight. Maybe it was the fact that I wasn't sitting at a table as an observer this time. No, this time, I was actually a participant. In a few short minutes, I would take my place on stage and begin my career as a stand up comedian.  I would no longer be a nameless nobody in the crowd.  This was the moment I had been waiting on for a long time. 

I had been extensively practicing my jokes and punchlines for a few days now. Sometimes I would perform for Anon and sometimes I would perform for my mom in her hospital room. She was still in the medically induced coma, but Anon said that she heard that people in a coma can sometimes still hear what is going on around them. So, I thought I would give my mom a show anyways.

Once Anon entered my thoughts, I slowly scanned the part of the crowd that I could see from where I was to see if I could spot Anon, but I didn't see her. Maybe she is just sitting somewhere that is out of my view. 

The crowd broke out into a laughter at the comedian's joke, who was currently on stage. This comedian had the crowd eating out of the palm of his hand and it was a bit nerve-wracking to know that I would have to follow his performance. I shook my head slightly to try and pull myself out of my thoughts. I can't let my thoughts pull me off track.

I started to think about what Anon told me, "If you get nervous, just look at me and only me. Act like you are just performing for me and no one else. You'll be amazing, sweetheart."

A smile formed on my face as I recalled the pet name she started using for me shortly after we confessed our love for each other. Love.  I mean, I knew I loved her from the moment I saw her, but to actually come to this point where she loved me too - it was all I could ever hope for.

My thoughts were again interrupted by the crowd, but this time they were cheering and clapping. As I turned my eyes to the stage, the comedian walked off as the host came back onto the stage. Holy shit, this is it.

"Alright, now this next comic describes himself as a lifelong Gotham resident who, from a young age, was always told that his purpose in life was to bring laughter and joy into this cold, dark world.  Um....okay," the crowd collectively let out small giggles, "Help me welcome Arthur Fleck, y'all."

The crowd lightly clapped as I made my way on stage. The host stood firmly at the microphone and watched me walk towards him. Once I stepped into the spotlight, I stuck out my hand to give him a handshake. He obliged the handshake and then made his way off stage. I turned towards the crowd and I had to squint my eyes from the bright lights as I scanned the crowd in another attempt to locate Anon. My eyes moved from one side of the room to the other a couple of times. Surely she is here. She said she would be. 

I tensed my face into a smile as I felt my chest start to burn with the all too familiar feeling. I tried to say hello, but it felt like my words be overtaken by giggles if I did. I let out some small, sharp exhales to try and release the growing pressure, but it didn't help. Small giggles escaped my lips and I tried harder to control them.  My eyes begin to nervously flick from table to table. Anon is supposed to be here. I need her here. But no matter how much I looked or how much I mentally pleaded for her to be there, I didn't see her.

I knew that I couldn't continue my silence much longer or they would probably send the host back to pull me off the stage, so I went for it, "Hello, it's good to be here."  My words started off strong, but they were quickly overtaken by a laugh. I turned around, so that my back was facing the crowd, and leaned my body forward as I slapped my hand against my mouth to quiet the loud laugh that made it's way from my chest. Once it was over, I took a deep breath and turned back around to try again, but I was shortly taken over by another laugh.  I grabbed my hand at my throat, hopelessly trying and failing to stop the small laughs that were slipping through. I even tried fighting through the laugh by trudging through with my first joke, but it was just making it worse. I crossed my arms across my face and I began to feel like I wouldn't be able to overcome this fit.