Brandons book of rants

Rant # 3

Can’t even think there is too much on my mind. I can’t write out my emotions because I feel like I have none right now. I’m not used to this feeling of being just okay. I’m used to the extremes and to falling off of th edge but now I have to wonder was it really all worth it? I believe it was. It was worth it for her because now I have everything I’ve ever wanted. Somehow though it still feels wrong. I have this consuming love it has the passion and the adventure and the danger that I’ve always wanted but something about it feels off I’m not sure what it is but it’s off. I know it feels like the only thing that is right in my life and it’s my first good decision in a long time. To fall in love with the beautiful girl with blue hair from my French class.  Some would say that it was a terrible idea and that it happened too fast but I think it all happened at a good speed and now things are moving faster than I thought. Everywhere I look I see her face I can’t get her out of my mind… She is so important to me through it all and I know tht I am hrs to do with as she wishes, I might act a though I don’t care or make it seem like I’m invincible on the inside but hobnestly? I’m in love and there’s nothing I can do to take that back. Once you are in love you ar never truly out of it but there is also the fact that I am in foster car, I’m not sure how long that’s going to last but hopefully it’ll be a while. I am rather happy here. I’ve cleaned up a lot I haven’t smoked or drank since I got here. I used to be a heavy dribnker but now I’m not I smopked every night but now it’s ben almost a month since I smoked anything. Now that I’m not I’m honestly happier in a way it might be hard to understand that but it’s true. Yes they bring you temporary relief from your problems but as I just stated. Temporary, if you just face your problems instead of hiding behind the bottle or the pipe or the needle. If you do these things all they do is ruin you. I know it’s hard to believe now but once you stop you will be happier. You will feel more accomplished as a person there are things about me that nobody will ever know and that’s a scary thought. Never will I let anyone in so completely that they know my deepest and darkest secret but I love her so much. That’s my doubt though is that I still feel like she can’t know this one thing about me. What if it will never be meant to be with someone until I feel cofortable showing them that deepest darkest part of me. Will there ever be anybody who I will be willing to show that deepest darkest part to? Some of the things I’ve done are bad but this is the worst… I don’t know what to say or what to do because no matter how strongly I feel about somebody I always end up messing up. That’s who I am I mess up, I’m selfish and I’m ind of a dick but bhonestly I don’t care what people think about tht. I’ll do anything for myself and those I love the most. I don’t care who you are if you break the heart of someone that I love or car for I’ll break you. If you do anything that hurts someone I care about then yes I will find a way to hurt you either mentally or physically. Usually it ends up being both because eI will get under someones skin and then become their “friend” but after that I leave them behind. I beat them to nearly the point of death. I’m a backstabber to those that hurt the ones I care for.