Falling slowly then all at once ( 5SOS & Ashton Irwin )

Chapter 35

 After Luke cleans up everything and hugs me, Ashton opens my door and walks in. He sits next to me and takes my hands in his. I look up to meet his beautiful eyes. The one's im in love with.

I say " Why did you do it? "

He says " I was scrolling through twitter, opening some fan mail. "

I say " And thats bad? "

He says " I opened a letter. A small peice of metal fell out of it. A razor. The note said ' I told you i would buy you the razors. ' The moment hit me like a bitch. "

I say " Ashton, your giving them what they want. You know that. So why would you do that. "

He says " Because i feel the need to hurt myself. I feel that all the things they say is true. Why would you do it? "

I say " Because im fat. Im ugly. Im worthless. The list could go on and on. "

He says " But your not any of that. Size dosnt matter, yooour beatiful in so many ways and you mean the world to me. Your my life. "

I say " So stop hurting it. Stop hurting me. "

He says " Im sorry. But when its right infront of you, it hurts and its hard. "

I say " And we could have gotten through it. If you would have just talked to me. Told me this was still going on. "

He says " It didnt bother me until someone sent me that razor. "

I say " Your stronger than that though. "

He says " Let me see. "

I say " Ashton. "

He says " Let me see it. I need to know how bad it is. "

I say " Please dont do this. "

He says " Caitlyn. "

I hand over my arms and he pulls the sleeves up. He stares and dont look away. I quickly pull them back downand stand up and walk out. I go down stairs and Just crash into Luke. He hugsme and holds me tight  not asking a word. 

Michael says " Whats wrong Caitlyn? "

I say " Nothing. Just feeling a little bad. "

A small tear fallsdown my cheek. I hear footsteps walking down the stairs, know its AShton, i hold onto Luke tighter. 

" Caitlyn. Come here. "

I turn and look at Ashton with a tear rolling down my cheek. He quickly walks up to me, wiping the tear away with his thumb. He pulls me into a hug and holds me tight. 

He says " Stop crying please. "

I bring my hand up and wipe my eyes. 

He says " Im not mad at you, if thats what you think. I understand. i was willing to do that same for you. "

I say " I know. "

He says " Now why dont we go and get some sleep, that way we can all say our goodbyes in the morning. Yeah? "

I nod my head and me and Ashton start walking upstairs. 

I say " I love you Ashton. "

He says " I love you to Caitlyn. "

I open our door and take my shirt off. I change into some shorts and a tank top. I climb into bed cuddling up to Ashton. I lay my head on his chest and grab his hand. 

I say " Im sorry about what i did. I hurt a lot of people. I dont know what Niall or Harry would say. There gonna hate me. "

He says " They wont hate you. They might be mad but will never hate you. Niall is your brother and Harry is like a brother. Why would they hate you for something like that? "

I say " Because they think im over it. "

He says " It takes time. They should get that. What has you thinking about these things anyways? "

I say " When me and Luke were talking he told me something that i really put into thought. "

He says " Well what did he say? "

I say " He told me that he has to be able to trust me in order for him to be able to let me go. He scared i might do something and none of yall to be there for me. "

He stays sighlent for a moment. He sighs. 

He says " WE both know he's right. You know it. I know it. We all know it. "

I say " He has to understand that i have to be able to trust you all to let myself go. I cant leave with you all cutting, and thinking the things you do. Not with what your going through. With what Luke's going through. All the things the band is going through. "

He says " I totally understand that. ANd i agree with it. "

I say " Right. I love you guys but me going away fro about a week, this might actually hurt us. "

He says " Your right. It might. If we let that happen. "

I say " Well, lets hope we dont and get some sleep yeah? "

He says " Yeah. "

I snuggle up closer to Ashton. As close as i can get. 

Whats gonna happen. I know its only for a week or so but still. A lot can happen in a week. One of us could be dead. You never know what will happen. I cant loose my best friends and my boyfriend. It wont happen. I just have a bad feeling. Like maybe something bad will happen. Nothing can happen to my boys. There family and family means everything. Its something i never had. Now i have the chance to have the one i want. Family isnt the people related to you. Family is the people ou love and care about the most. 

My family would be Ashton, Harry, Mikey, Calum, Louis, Niall, Zayn, Liam and Luke.