No Homo

09

"You're straight-up gay."

My head immediately snapped to my best friend sitting cross-legged on my bed.

"Seth shut the fuck up. My head already hurts, I don't need you bothering me even more," My face falls into my hands out of grief. Ive been feeling really stressed lately and it's all because of this one boy who I want so badly, but I am too scared to have. 

"Would you say that you're feeling so gay you can't even think straight?" 

I spread my fingers slightly so I could see the boy and his evil smirk as he holds back a laugh. Sometimes I feel like strangling the kid, but I always decide not to because sometimes you need annoying people in your life to feel better about yourself. 

"Very funny," I say, sticking my middle finger up. Fuck you too Seth, fuck you too. 

I swiftly plop down into my rolly desk chair and let out a long sigh. Why does life have to be so difficult? Why can't I stay the straight guy I am, keep my reputation, and also have Liam? God really does hate me.

"Why'd you even invite me here if you don't want my help?" Seth questioned as he crossed his arms and gave me 'the look'. 

"Then offer your oh so great advice," I pleaded, my voice full of desperation. Though Seth is very irritable at times, he can also be very sweet and understanding. He actually may be able to help, especially in my current situation. 

Seth got up from my bed and walked in front of me, sitting himself down on the floor near my feet. He looked up to me with glossy, soft eyes and I could tell he was being truly genuine. 

"Jackson, can I ask a question?" 

I gulped. 

"What did you think when you first saw Liam?" Seth's voice didn't quiver. He wasn't holding back a laugh or cracking a joke. He was serious. 

I roughly wipe my sweaty hands on my jeans and I can't help but look around the room nervously.

 What did I think of him? So many things. 

I thought he was the cutest fucking thing to be alive. He's fragile and so gentle, yet he can be so sassy that you would think he's a young teenage girl. He's perfection. His long black hair that I want to run my fingers through and his pale skin, the skin I want to touch so badly. He is everything I want, even if he's a boy. His gender doesn't matter to me anymore. The only thing I ever think about is how amazing it would feel to kiss him again. How amazing it would feel to call him mine, and make sure no other guy or girl could have him. 

Though it's scary, I don't care anymore. I don't care what people will think of me and a guy together. I only care about how Liam views me. 

My eyes focused on Seth once more, who stared at me with wondering eyes. I quickly stood up and ran out my bedroom door, yelling a quick 'got to go' to Seth who remained seated with a goofy smile plastered on his perfect face. 

~~

My car roughly swerved into the baseball field parking lot, and I quickly parked. A few little league games were going on, so I knew Liam would be working today. My shoes slide through the gravel as I quickly walk towards the wooden box our school calls a concession stand. 

Liams smiling face instantly comes into view as he kindly talks to a teenage girl. 

He's so damn cute. The girl obviously thinks so as well, as she winks and hands him a piece of paper that he doesn't bother to look at and instead crumbles and puts into his pocket. I wonder if he would disregard a note from me if I wrote him one.

Quickly I pull my wallet out of my pocket along with a pencil I put in there after finishing my homework. I open my wallet and quickly find an old receipt. I tear a piece of the receipt off, one that has enough blank space for a few words. I put the piece of paper in my hands and quickly write my message. 

When I look up the girl is finally leaving and Liam turns around, probably sorting some boxes of candy. Quickly, I run over and I can't help the smile that fills my face as I get near him. 

I stood there awkwardly for a few seconds before clearing my throat making Liam cutely jump. He turned around, his face completely red. I try to hold back a laugh but ultimately fail. 

"Hey, Lee," I greet him as he scrunches up his nose. "Nice to see you too." I let out a small laugh before he rolls his eyes.

"What do you want, Dyer? You don't even have a game today?" His eyebrows drew together and my palms instantly became sweaty. I gripped the paper a little tighter, as my nerves began to go out of control.

"Am I uh- not allowed to come see my bestie at work?" 

Smooth Jackson. Real smooth. 

However, a smile came to my face as my comment caused a small laugh to boom out of the boy's body. 

"I suppose you are, but I'm not your bestie, Seth is." He rolls his eyes and quickly grabs a rag to clean the surface of the counter. 

"Okay well, maybe there's a reason why I'm here." His eyebrows lift as he waits for my answer. I close my eyes and take a small gulp. We sit in silence for a few moments as I grip my paper tighter and tighter, trying to build up the balls to just hand it to him.

 When I finally feel ready, I open my eyes and they quickly focus on a tall man walking through the concession stand door. 

Liam's face instantly turns ghost white as he looks me dead in the eyes. 

The man was handsome. He has long dirty blond hair and brown eyes. His facial structure is strong and his jawline is perfectly sharp. He holds a little stubble, but it honestly looks really good on him. He's extremely tall, Liam looks like an ant compared to him.  He is hot. 

Liam quickly looks to the tall man and shot a soft smile, the ghost whiteness not leaving his perfect face. The man stopped in his place and stared at the small boy in front of him. 

"You good, Liam?" His low voice alone is enough to send chills throughout my body. Liam's white face is quickly replaced with red as he lowers his head, hiding behind his hair. The man lets out a small laugh and grabs Liam's chin, forcing him to look at him. 

"I love you, mi amor." He quickly places a soft kiss on Liam's forehead and my heart breaks. 

I feel each piece of my heart fall out one by one. Like Lee was the glue holding everything together and now that I can't love him and he can't love me, it broke. My entire body feels as if it lost life, and my head hangs low as tears fill my eyes. I feel like an idiot. I really thought I had a chance with a guy like Liam. Someone so perfect, so beautiful and fragile. 

But I can't be mad at Liam. I can't hate Liam, and I don't think I ever can hate Liam. I'll always love him and be thankful for him. He helped me realize who I am. He helped me see that I don't care about gender. It doesn't matter if a person is male or female, I'll love them because of the human they are, not who they identify as. 

I haven't known Liam for too long, but I do love him. It didn't take long for me to fall in love with him. He's perfect how couldn't I. Call me young, call me stupid and naive. I love Liam, so damn much. 

I don't bother to lift my head up and show my weakness to Liam. It's better if he doesn't know my feelings and desires for his affection. 

"I got to go," I mumble before quickly turning on my heel and running to my car, the fastest Ive ever ran before. 

When I finally reach my car I quickly lock myself inside and let the tears fall. I look at the dumb note I wrote and watch as my tears smear the black ink that once held the key to getting Liam. 

I kinda love you.