Tammi Lyn [DISCONTINUED]

xiii

Ahhhh i almost forgot to upload another chappy so sorry guys here it iss!! Stay safe from COVID everyone! ;)

There were a lot of moments in life where you can't feel anything but there's all these emotions running amok inside your mind and heart that you brush them off and call them nothing.

There's a sort of buzzing sound in my ears, but each time I try to place my palms over them it's still there, louder and annoying as heck.

It was as if I was slapped. But the sting wasn't on my cheek. It was somewhere inside me and it hurt a lot like hell. I just didn't know what was hurting.

Tears were already rapidly marking Tammi's cheeks and glasses as she stared at me with unreadable eyes. The gray of her eyes seemed dark and dreary, as if an internal storm was raging inside her. It was only magnified by the spectacles she wore, and I could almost see something that wanted desperately to be released.

At the moment, I had no idea what to say or do.

My mouth felt incredibly dry, and the lump that clogged my throat was curiously absent after she shouted at me.

I don't blame her; anyone with stress was about ready to burst.

It just so happened I was the trigger.

"Stop trying to squeeze yourself into my life, Ross."

"Oh back to surnames now, are we?" I mocked her a little, anger building inside me to mask the hurt I was feeling. "We were all buddy-buddy before this happened. You're not cooperating when I want to know what's happening."

"And you're not entitled to that kind of knowledge," she retorted with a biting tone, eyebrows pinching together as she further closed in on herself.

She had a bad habit of doing that whenever she felt helpless and defenseless.

Without another word, she pushed herself off the wall to stomp past me, quickening her pace once she was almost two feet from me.

I made no movement to stop her, my arms hanging limply by my sides.

Who am I to stop her from leaving?

In any case, what were we to begin with?

Even as she walked away, even when her footfalls faded, I continued to stand there, trapped in my own mind, angry with the world and her selfishness.

All I did was ask a question. All I wanted was an honest answer.

She gave me nothing but spite, and that made my heart clench painfully.

My own eyebrows pulled together, lips pressing to form an incredibly thin line. Even my hands balled into fists.

I couldn't describe the feelings whirling inside my brain right now.

On one hand, I was furious with my brother and Tammi. On another, I felt betrayed and utterly hurt that Tammi didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth. I was also shocked because even if I saw the scene with my eyes, my brain still refused to believe that.

I went home with my mind in a turmoil, and I was stuck in that mood for the whole day, even going on to the next day.

It just - didn't sit right with me.

Even my relationship with George became strained. We weren't totally close to begin with, but after that incident with Tammi I found myself avoiding him.

I almost couldn't stand to be in the same room as him.

He in turn didn't say anything or do anything out of the ordinary, but he steered clear of my path every chance he got. It was almost as if we were magnets that repelled each other. I felt that way, but I don't know about him.

I just felt like my own brother was a stranger, as if my whole life I didn't know anything about him even though we literally lived under the same roof.

"Why so down in the dumps, Ross?"

I snapped out of my reverie to find one of my best friends Spencer Collins looking down at my squatted figure with a concerned gaze.

Looking around, I realized I was in front of my house doing nothing but investing in my thoughts and thinking hard about everything that happened so far.

George was inside the house and I couldn't stand being in the same room with him so I left to get some fresh air outside.

Guess I didn't know much time had already passed.

My eyes owlishly blinked back at him, mind still processing his words.

It was only when his eyebrows scrunched in confusion did I manage to even do something remotely normal, which was sigh deeply. I felt so tired and drained even though I haven't been up to any strenuous activity.

Maybe it was the mental thing.

How do you fix that?

"Just - something happened," I tiredly said, rubbing my temple. "It's messed up, dude, and I don't even know where to effin' start."

I huffed angrily, fingers closing against my palm to form a fist. In my sudden bout of anger, I pounded the grass below me and screwed my eyes shut to prevent myself from getting any flashbacks of that day.

Being focused on that one thing made me unaware of the liquid sliding down the corner of my eye, which Spencer was able to see.

"Oh Denver why are you crying?"

Immediately, he crouched down beside me to lay a comforting hand on my shoulder, silently watching me.

I didn't have to worry if he was looking at me with disgust or contempt. I knew he wasn't judging me. He didn't judge tactlessly and without knowing the other. He was a fair person and always based on their personality. That was one of the many traits I admired about him.

And when I cried, he didn't tell me to 'man up' or 'stop crying'. Men are allowed to feel, too. We can feel what women feel because that's what makes us human. It's just that society tells you how to act and what not to do and all that crap that makes the system suffocating.

"Is it about Tammi Lyn?" Spencer asked softly, leaning close to hear my answer despite the sobs and snot.

"Why does she have to be so difficult?" I cried out in anguish, now repeatedly pounding my fists on the ground. "Why does she have to keep everything to herself?!"

There was a pain in my heart that I couldn't understand. It was like someone had a hold on my heart and was squeezing it tightly and mercilessly over and over.

The feeling wasn't like knives piercing my heart and some similar crap.

If I were to be honest, I couldn't even remember the last time I let loose like this, with all the unstoppable tears and the hiccups and snot running down my nose. It was disgusting alright, but I couldn't help it.

For maybe once in my life, I could consider Tammi and I as friends. Alright I'll admit it: I did see her as a friend, but I never asked what she felt about me. It just seemed too imposing and pushy, and I didn't want her to feel that way.

But right now what could I say?

God, why did this have to be so difficult? I couldn't understand it.

Spencer was just there beside me, not saying anything and not moving. He did rub my back as comfort but other than that, nothing else.

"You'll get through this dude," he said to me, "but I can't promise you this'll be the last time you'll feel pain like this."

I continuously wiped at my eyes and nose, nodding along and trying really hard not to break down again.

Above us, the afternoon sun set and the darkness settled in little by little, until the sky was black dotted with yellows, the half moon shining its borrowed light on the world.

Inside my heart however, was utter sorrow and confusion that I couldn't start to decipher.

How was I going to face her now?