What Are We Searching For, Really?

18.

"What?"

I blinked at Austin as his hand froze. He looked so flabbergasted.

"What?" I replied.

"You...really...want to?" He sat up properly this time, his face a mix of shock and confusion.

As quick as my feelings flashed by, they disappeared in an instant. I sat up. "I don't know... I-" I cut myself off as my face froze into stone. "You don't?"

"It's-it's not like-I..." his hand slid down my face in slow-motion, biting his lip. "I don't know whether I can do it."

"Why not? Is this your first time?" I asked gently.

"Um..." There was a long pause that lingered in the air before he sighed uneasily. "Yeah."

I couldn't help my mouth forming an "o". Really? I swear...this isn't the first...

"I thought you dated quite a few people before," I said, not meaning for myself to sound so blunt as I shuffled closer to him on his lap. Personally, I didn't really like having to show someone the ways of how it is, no matter how crap that sounded.

"None of them really went as far as I did with you," he babbled, blushing hard and hiding his face in his hands as I inched closer. "Even all this kissing is so...uh...new to me."

"Oh?" I couldn't help giggling at that, reaching to move his hands away from his face. "Unexpected of you, Aus."

"I think I'm willing to do anything if it's for you, Won," he muttered, unable to hide his smile at me. My heart softened at his gaze and I lifted myself up on my knees so that I was looking down into his eyes.

Searching deep into his hazel eyes, I saw the hint of fear and confusion in them and hesitated. I could tell he was acting based on his impulses as I drove his brain to mush, clouding his judgement just like bottles of soju.

"Babe? What are you thinking about?" he asked.

I forced a small smile onto my face before shaking my head and leaning down to kiss him again. This time it was slow and sweet, different to our rushed state only a few moments ago. I held myself back from going further as soon as I felt myself starting to fall deeper into him, pulling the sides of his messily undone button-up back on.

"It's okay," I whispered as I fiddled with the buttons, avoiding his eyes. "I feel a bit tired. Can we lie down for a bit?"

"Yeah, sure."

I slid away from his lap and under the covers, snuggling into a corner of his pillow to hide my conflicted expression. I knew I couldn't do anything about it and that I had to respect how he was, but it made my heart stir in a way I couldn't explain.

I felt the bed dip as Austin laid down next to me on his side, feeling his burning gaze on me. I closed my eyes shut as I felt his hand gently brush the hair away from my face, his fingertips grazing the corner of my lips and ever so slightly past my cheekbone.

I grabbed his hand and my eyes flew open. "You can't just do that to me and stay a meter away," I complained grumpily, pouting.

"Hm?" he said, smiling sweetly. I sighed and shuffled over until I was pressed right up to his body, burrowing into his chest.

"Much better," I said, my voice muffled in his shirt. He loosened up and wrapped his arms around me, his head resting on top of mine and giving me a kiss on my head.

We stayed like that, warm and comfortable next to each other and away from the cold winter air; the room grew darker by the minute as we fell into night time.