What Are We Searching For, Really?

15.

—7:32p.m

My phone flashed on. My dreary eyes tore away from the screen where I was hastily typing my last minute English literature essay to see that I was tagged in an Instagram post by Austin, and my heart leapt. This is the first post he's ever made where he tagged me, I thought, hugging my knees to my legs. Let's see what it is.

Opening the notification, his new post popped up bright and colorful. It consisted of couple photos of our past dates- at home watching movies huddled in blankets while stuffing ourselves with chips, at cute, cliché cafes, and at parks doing nothing too special. I laughed quietly as I looked at some of the silly photos where we tried to look cool with sunglasses.

"It's been a great month with you baby, hope to have many more ❤️ I love you!" the caption read. The words brought a smile to my face but I faltered at the last few words. It made me feel slightly sick when I thought harder about it- was that a calling for me to come out and say it back to him? In front of everyone? This was the first time he was saying it but wasn't it a little too fast?

Love was too big of a word for me. I knew that if I just carelessly said it now and I didn't mean it, shit would go down in the future. I paused for a moment, staring at the words over and over again. Before, whenever moments between us got too sentimental, I would always make a joke drag him somewhere else before he could say things like "I love you". The words scared me because I never thought I could be "in love" with anyone anytime soon, if not ever. I started wondering if I could seriously last long term with Austin.

Sure, we had fun times and laughed so hard at times that we became absolutely exhausted- it was a great feeling. I felt refreshed and recharged, but every time I got home, my entire body would be void of energy. It wasn't in the most pleasant way-it made my mentality slowly sink lower and lower as time went by. Is dating really this tiring?

Not to mention all the time dating took up. All my homework had to be completed in less days, and I had been skipping volleyball practice to go out with Austin. Of course, that was without him knowing- if I really told him all the things I had to do on a regular basis, we would pretty much never be going out, unless on the weekends where I would have to sacrifice my day and stay up late to do my work. Not like that wasn't uncommon, but maybe this time round it would go up till 5 a.m.

It was scary to see how much Austin was taking over my life. It wasn't his fault, he's been nothing but kind and sweet and probably the most "goals" boyfriend so far, but our personal lives just...didn't match up so well. At school, my friends keep pushing me away so I can spend more time with Austin, but I actually missed just hanging out with my friends for fun. Not always doing romantic things: having my own personal life too.

Suddenly, my WhatsApp notifications exploded at the top of my screen. They were all messages from my friends, screaming about how cute Austin and I were. I clicked into the app and quickly started typing before they started crashing the app.

Me: Why is my relationship the only thing you guys talk about

Deb: Y'all are super cute☺️

Aya: THE WAY YOU GUYS LOOK AT EACH OTHER!!!😱

Ning: when will my man be like that

Claire: Remember to tell us when you guys have kids I want to be their godmother 🤓

Bay: Goodbye the Won x Mason ship😂👏🏻

Me: oh, speaking of Mason...

Aya: WHAT?? HE JEALOUS AF AND HAD A FIGHT WITH AUSTIN??

Ning: That doesn't sound like Mason tho

Me: No, it's just that I haven't talked to him in ages... it's like we distanced so much he doesn't even say hi to me anymore