One Chapter - Appetiser - Mario Fan-fiction

The Story

I am Mario.

I don't beat Bowser in fights. He lets me win in return for teaching him ping pong in the car park behind big Tesco. I had to tell Peach that it was over because I wanted to teach Bowser more than just ping pong in the car-park behind big Tesco. My other dreams include progressing to a car park of a more higher status and more expensive supermarket. So that we have less chance of getting murdered by an angry bargain hunter with their homicidal shopping trolley.

(Look up a picture of Tesco into your search bar if you don't know what it is to better imagine a small Italian moustache man teaching a spikey turtle ping pong in its car-park )

But, I soon realised, that I liked them both. However, what with him kidnapping her and forcing her to marry him in Super Mario Odyssey...I had a sneaking suspicion that they wouldn't entertain the idea of both metaphorically stamping my metaphorical card.

"You never let me have a slice of that fucking cake, Peach. It's getting on my rather enormous, spaghetti-flavoured tits." I said. Her gluttonous toad servant dildo head was stuffing his face with my cake she baked me for saving her..again, after she kissed my lanky brother. She should come with her own ransom note at this point and save the aggravation. But, anyway, that toad fella is one big supine protoplasmic invertebrate jelly fat bastard.

I decided to continue my petty rant whilst staring into to her glazed and blatantly bored eyes. Her eyes which painted the perfectly clear message: she didn't give a fuck about what I was saying. She couldn't give less of a fuck actually. In fact, its my guess that in her field of freshly planted fucks. It is empty and noticeably no fucks are there to give. But she will stay here until I've released my angry words followed my angry eating of chocolate sandwiches, salt and vinegar crisps and a cake I made for myself because of that greedy walking Toad prick.

"You never compliment my yard brush moustache, you never lick my face like a rampant dog in the same way as you do Luigi, you give Rosalina more flirtatious looks than me, you never charge at me and you're getting kidnapped all the time...I barely see you, do you still love me at all?"

"No." She replied after a horrible silence like a fucking mongoose.

"Well that's that." I said in realisation. I went to the car-park behind big Tesco to caress Bowsers big spikes.