Let Me Hold You For Now

I'm Sorry

"Zack?"

He didn't say anything, just stripped off his blood-soiled clothes and got into bed with her.

She made a tiny noise of surprise when she felt his erection pressed up against her ass. He swept her hair to the side so he could rest his chin against her shoulder. The position was barely sexual, if at all. He was curled up in the fetal position, searching for comfort.

"What happened?" She prompted him.

"I almost did something really dumb tonight. Something bad."

They both knew that wasn't unusual for him. He did dumb things all the time, and he actually intended to do bad things whenever he went out for a kill. It was obviously a different kind of bad. Concern was evident beneath her composed exterior. She reached up to soothingly stroke his hair.

"I'm kind of a creature of instinct, Ray. It's hard. Girls do a lot of funny things when they beg for their lives. She almost looked like you too." Small, beautiful, blonde. The more he thought about it though, those things weren't at all what made Ray so precious to him.

"Okay..." She urged him to continue but she was clearly unsure if she really wanted him to or not.

"It was wrong. Everything..." Her hair was too short and flat, her tits were too big, her hips were too low. And her face? No. It wasn't what he needed at all. He actually had the urge to punish that girl for looking so much like Ray and being nothing like her at the same time. He actually laughed when she got down on her knees. That was a huge turn off. He didn't want to see Ray doing that for him. Maybe that's why he was so tempted to take her up on her offer. He had needs, for fuck's sake. How could he come back to Ray in such a state?

"Did you-" She trailed off, clearly upset.

"I pushed her up against the wall," he whispered in her ear, "grabbed her skinny neck and cut her open, just like all the rest." The memory twisted his mouth into a sort of pained smile. He was nowhere close to being proud of himself for not taking the opportunity. It reinforced the one truth that he didn't want to acknowledge. It could only be her. He was only attracted to Ray.

"I don't want you to do that with them." It was obvious that she wasn't referring to the killing.

"I know."

"Is that why you didn't?"

"No." He pressed a soft kiss against the side of her neck. "You know why." He could never stomach it, not with someone else. Not when his girl was waiting for him to come home.

Without saying another word, she reached back to grab his hand and wrapped it around his erection. The small gesture was full of understanding and compromise. For once, she didn't push him, just let him know that it was okay to be attracted to her. Her actions told him that if they didn't say it out loud, didn't acknowledge it, they could do just this in the middle of the night and it wouldn't be real, it wouldn't count.

He pulled her closer and traced lazy patterns over the tops of her breasts through her- well, his shirt. Oh god, not again. She was wearing something underneath that, right? He wrestled with curiosity before finally drawing his hand up her bare thigh. He almost cried with relief when he discovered that she was still wearing underwear. Of course that didn't keep him from wanting to yank them down and bury himself inside her. No, he wouldn't do it. But it would be nice to wrap those silky panties around his cock as he jerked off to her. What a disgusting idea. He was really the fucking scum of the earth.

Was any of this okay? It was okay, right? They both wanted it.

He hesitantly slipped his boxers down his hips and started pulling at his length, taking his time and trying not to moan every time the tip of his cock made contact with her soft thighs. He felt like a monster, using her body like that. How the fuck did things get this messed up with them? He used to worry about getting off in the shower. Now he was jerking off in bed with her in the middle of the night as if their relationship was a dirty secret that they could never talk about. The implication was clear. She was asking him to cross the line he'd so adamantly drawn between them so he didn't cross it with someone else.

It was hard to stay quiet like that. He released a long sigh. It was an ambiguous sound, one that could have been pleasured or exasperated. Hell, he was feeling a bit of both. With the exception of a desperate groan from him, they both stayed quiet as he came on his hand. He tried not to get any cum on her, but she didn't seem to mind at all. She actually shifted her hips back against his after he wiped himself off.

Fuck. Did she have any idea how much he loved her? He wrapped his arms around her and wished for sleep to come. Of course, it never would, even in his post orgasmic state. The shame had already set in far too quickly. He felt like he had assaulted her in some way, almost threatened her into letting him get off to her. Holy shit... He was fucking sick. He basically told her that he would have to start raping girls that looked like her if he couldn't have her. And all because of a rule that he'd imposed upon himself. What the fuck kind of illogical, manipulative shit was that?

He curled up against her and tried not to cry. How fucked up was it that the person he sought comfort from was the same person that caused him so much distress? He exhaled loudly and pressed a kiss against her shoulder.

"I'm sorry," he muttered.