CAN I TRUST HIM?

THE MEETING(PART-2)

"I am sorry. I am sorry that I have to do this because this is unbearable. I just can't do this anymore and trust me, I know that that you don't wanna end up with a father like me. You just don't."

 I want to scream at him. Want to tell him how wrong he is but I can't. I am screaming but no sound is coming from my mouth. I want to run into him and stop him but I can't move my legs. It's like they're planted into the ground. I am helpless. I am of no use and I just can't save him. I feel a presence behind me and I turn my neck to see what it is but I can't because of all the darkness around me. I can interpret it is a he from his body design, almost six feet, and a muscular body. He's coming towards me but I don't find myself to care and turn around again to find ideas to help my dad. Suddenly I feel that person touching my shoulders and I feel that I can speak and run and I look back out of instinct and only see his intense blue eyes but not his face. 

"Run until its too late, I am here to help you" he speaks in his hypnotizing voice and then I run to help mine dad. But then I hear a gunshot and I sit up in my bed from that devastating nightmare.

You know this nightmare was the worst of all because  I was able to help but I didn't, I couldn't. there was someone else but I couldn't see his face. I was too busy trying to hear his voice, trying to see his face, trying to hear what he wanted to say, what he had to say that I was unable to help my dad. I've been having nightmares since... since I can remember and all of them were the same. Me being helpless and then hearing a gunshot and then I am wide awake but this time it was different. This time I was able to help and somebody was there to help me help him but I didn't. All these years I thought that my worst fear was being helpless but today I realised that my worst fear is when I can help but I don't. When I am not helpless but I am just not in time. When I want to help and I can but I don't. That my friend is my worst nightmare. My worst freaking fear. 

I wrote everything in my diary. My therapist told me to write my nightmares in my diary. Therapies help. they really do or so I believe when you tell your therapists the whole truth. in my case, I didn't. I wanted to so I could check if they helped but I couldn't. it's not easy to tell people the whole truth. nobody knows the whole truth. I have a whole story made up in my mind. my dad always told me that I was a good storyteller. what everyone knows is that my father left me and died. I don't really know how he died but I was always in such despair because he left me and I thought that he was a coward and I blame myself for his death. well, most of it is true, just not the part where I say that I don't know how he died. trust me I know. I don't want to but I do.

Today was the meeting. it was supposed to be held tomorrow and everyone came as well but something technical happened and our technician said that it will take hours for him to make sure everything's okay and everyone agreed to postpone it to tomorrow.  I wanna say that I wasn't nervous but just excited, but I can't because I wasn't. I was freaking out. I mean I have never attended a meeting and Mr. Scott told me that I will only be there to take notes and no one would even look at me but it didn't matter, I believed that I was going to walk into the room and screw everything up without even doing anything!! So yeah, don't blame me for being nervous. I am just trying to be normal. doing everything normal people do in a situation like this.

I got ready, I was wearing a plain white top underneath a marron a professional pantsuit. it was simple and decent. it would have even looked better if I was wearing nude heels but as always I didn't and wore white fila shoes. wore mascara and nude matte lipstick which no one could tell i was wearing. I was not trying to give a virgin mary vibes or was saying that I hate makeup and stuff, I just don't want to do it anymore. you should've seen me in high school. I loved doing those things. no one except my parents who are no more knows that I have two tattoos in my body. one in my collarbone and one on my back shoulder blades.  cool? I don't think so. They just remind me of my best and the worst times of my life. confusing? tell me about it.