Sometimes I try to imagine things that are supposed to happen, though they never do.
Though I can't explain it, now that I try to imagine growing old and being happy. I'm unable to. If I don't grow old and happy. I loved, no I love you. I hated you in moments but In reality I couldn't.
I love you. My parents. Even you C.
Though I'm not sure about J at this very moment, I hated you for making mom cry so many times. She wanted all this stuff from you. It wasn't much, she wanted you to be healthy and happy. So for that at this very moment I didn't want you to ruin the only things I could trust.
Dad, I wish you could talk more about how you're feeling. I understand that do don't support Jordyn at this moment, but neither do I and I'm trying to make it work. I need you to not try to fix things with tears or a hug. Sometimes that's fine but its not fine. I love you.
To my best friend, I lob you, so much, these days you make all my fear of life go away. You save me from myself, but at the end of the day I come home and I once again am alone in my head. I'm not sure where I was going with this but I love you with all my heart, if something happens you always have those funny videos of me, please don't cry.
To Ev, thank you for taking me out of my head, we finally got close but I'm sorry we couldn't live together like we imagined we would in our house. Sorry I couldn't cook you a meal after your hard day of being a nurse. I'm sure everything will be fine with you. Your family is always there for you. And I certainly need you to be there for Em, I love you guys. More than I love myself, more than I love the world.
I wanted you let you know what I was feeling but I just couldn't. Jordyn was already not alright, and I wanted to be your perfect child that turned out just right. But something's just turn out a little burnt. I wasn't alright, remember when I was "depressed" and J tries to tell you for me and I played it off? I wish I could've saved myself then. Maybe I would be fine now? I'm not sure.
I'm fine, wherever I am. I should be fine. I wish I could say the same with you guys but it isn't your fault. None of it is any of your faults. I was weak, but strong enough to go through with it. Nothing was wrong with the way I lived, I lived. I did live. I guess maybe thats what was wrong. I lived for longer than I thought I would live. In the eight grade I thought those moments were my last. But they weren't. So here we are. I lived. But I really didn't live. I was alive. I certainly was alive, thank you for living with me.
Thank you
