Sanders Sides Angst-Shots!

Part 1 - What am I supposed to do now?! [Patton]

Requested by: Mayheadphoneson

Pairing?: Logicality

Triggers: Bulima, Anorexia, Self-harm, mention of past abuse, mentions of sexual assault
Please tell me if I missed any.
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Patton had begun dating Logan after he had left his ex. They were going pretty well, but Patton was still afraid. Especially since he couldn't eat, and if he did he threw up fifteen minutes later. Or as soon as possible. He hated the feeling of being weighted down by food in his system. It made him feel horrible.
And that's why, he had his fingers down his throat in the front of a toilet. He was throwing up his dinner. The dinner he promised Logan that he would keep down. He judt couldn't do it. The voice was too loud. He felt so heavy. He felt like he was taking up so much space.
Patton gagged, feeling his mouth fill with saliva before he finally threw up. He held onto the edges of the toilet bowl, not caring about how unhygienic that is. He heard someone come into his room but he kept throwing up. He trembled as he started dry heaving.  It hurt. Somehow that pain was addicting. It made him feel so much calmer. So much better. 

Logan kneeled beside pstton and rubbed his back, sighing with obvious anger. He shook his head "Patton. This isn't okay. I didn't want to do this hut you are moving rooms. It's too easy for you to harm yourself like this with a connected restroom." He spoke in a firm voice. He wasn't going to take any back talk and it was obvious. "I'll move your things, but until you can sleep food down you are going to stay in a different room." He spoke forcibly.  His voice didn't even sound like he cared, he judt sounded annoyed.

Obviously. He's so tired of dealing with you. He's just like your last boyfriend. He's going to hurt you. Use you. Give you away like a toy. It's what you deserve.

Patton his head and wiped his mouth. He flushed the toilet and pushed himself back into a corner. "I'm sorry-- I'll be good. I-- I just.." he felt his eyes water as he tried to explain, but he couldn't. He knew what he was doing. He couldn't lie. He was horrible at lying.

Logan sighed "Patton, calm down. I won't hurt you. I'm judt disappointed." He spoke.
He still didn't sound concerned.
Why wasn't he concerned? Does he care? Did he ever care?!

No, of course not. How could anybody care about you?

In reality, Logan voice was full of worry. Yes, he used a stern voice but he wasn't angry. He just wanted to make his boyfriend feel better. He didn't want patton to die because of the mental abuse Patton's ex put on him.

Patton only heard stern rage. That voice. It sounded exactly like his voice. God it shook him to his core. He wanted to get up and start hitting Logan. He wanted him to get away.
He was certain Logan was going to hit him. He knew he would hit him. Whenever he does bad things his old boyfriend used to hit him. It's what Patton expected. He still wasn't used to someone caring about him. He didn't know hoe to process it.
He just didn't.

Logan sighed "okay. Get up, I want you to wait in the hall." He said, not sure if he could trust Patton.

~~~~~~~

After Logan had moved Pattons clothes and made the bed, he allowed him to go inside and rest.
Logan sat on the couch and held his face in his hands. What was he gonna do with him? He loved Patton to bits but he wasn't sure if he could help Patton by himself. Pattons mind was shattered. He thought everyone was out to get him. And that he deserved it! He'd heard pstton having conversations with himself. That was already a red flag something wasn't okay. Logan needed help to make sure Patton was okay.

Patton laid in the bed and looked across the walls. So barren. It was his fault that this happened, but he was still bitter. Maybe he was bitten over something else and this just made him angrier. He stood up, walking across the floor before felt something stab his foot and he gasped in pain. He wobbled and sat on the floor. It was a thumbtack.  Ans honestly, that pain was making him less angry. Less bitter. So much calmer. He slowly pulled the thumbtack out and marveled at the blood that came from his foot. Of course he bled.  He loved his it looked. He looked it all. And this would be so much easier to hide. Of course.

The pain I've addicted you too. That he addicted you too. This is how you can get it.

"I know.." I mumbled, staring at the thumbtack. He wiped it off, before he stood up and moved to his bed. He took off his pants. He always wore long pants. It wouldn't be weird if he kept wearing long pants. So he'd just...--

Pain waves over his thigh as his skin broke under the pressure of the sharp end of the thumbtack. A smile forced it's way into his face and his body filled with joy. So much happiness. He felt so much better.
He felt his chest fill with guilt and shame, forcing out the calming feeling out.

He frowned and his hands started shaking. He was going to do it again, but he heard footsteps. He threw the thumbtack under the bed and pulled up his pants. He tried to stand but he fell from the sudden pain in his foot. He forgot that he stepped on the thumbtack. He winced, frowning.

Logan walked into the room "hey-- patton, what happened?" He looked at him.

Patton winced, looking up at Logan "I got up and I felt something stab my foot." He said, not exactly lying. He moved to look at his foot. "Ah no-- I'm bleeding." He frowned. He hoped logan would be stupid once in his life and please judt fall for this.

Logan stared at patton, examining the situation. Luck for patton his leg covered the blood spot on the floor. Patton stood up and put his foot around the same place. He looked down "sorry-- " he said, holding his arms in front of his legs. If the cut was bleeding, it would bleed through his pants. And he'd be sold out.
Maybe part of him wanted him to be sold out. Maybe part of him didn't want the stern 'I care about you' reaction.
He wanted the kind, cuddly happiness that other relationships have. He didn't want rules and stern voices. He wanted to be able to walk up to Logan, hug him, and have him just know.

Logan sighed "there are band aids in the kitchen. I'll go get you one." He said, before he left. Patton frowned. This relationship felt weird. Maybe it was his past relationships changing his reaction. But whenever logan acted like that. All he saw was him. And it really did scare him.

So he sat down on his bed and waited for Logan, resisting the urges to grab the thumbtack and stab himself. Shame once again, filled his chest. Happiness was not something he knew at this moment.

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Word count: 1234

Sorry about this bring late. I thought I'd cut it into parts so you guys would have something to read. I hope you enjoy!