Everynight is a torture. What if's of the yesterday certainty couldn't accept the fact that he was no longer here, that he had not been there.
If he’s there beside me while experiencing such precious ones in a lifetime moment delivering our son do you think I need to be cut so he could be out?. It would be a lot different! I’m filled with agony. How could he understand how hard to deliver a child when he will never ever pass such phase in his life?
If mom was there instead of Dad, Mom would be probably be in the room beside me Holding my hands as I try to push and breath harder and harder and If dad did hold my hand,.
If my sister understands me as her little sister that might made the process easir than it had.
Dad saw my sufferings from the beginning until the end of giving birth journey. From on our way to clinic through entering in that evil room where the demon does not want to hold my hand because it hurts her and the demon who molested me continuously without a bit of pity. Maybe this is not really about me anymore; it is now about my child, my baby, my son and I couldn’t disagree on that. It's like you have seen your baby self and the hard work sacrifices and sufferings in 9 months of ugliness and depression was all worth it. I suddenly felt my mom. She always blames me for ruining her normal delivery with my sister because she delivered me caesarean-ly.
“Ilalabas ka na nga lang umikot ka pa”
that is why the doctor left with no choice but to cut my mom’s tummy, harsh! And she hates it! Now I deeply understand how it felt, to deliver a child caesarean when it supposed to be normal. You’ll be pointing fingers everywhere, “kasalanan mo, kasalanan niya” it never stops and as long as I am here I couldn’t forgive and move forward. It’s like every time I passed by in that moment there’s an intense pinch of sorrow in my heart.
The only person I expect to be with in all the hardship with our son runaway. He left me a galloon of Wilkins for baby and nothing for me. I waited him knowing he would not leave us behind easy as that, without a long farewell. I even asked Mom and Dad for an extension that maybe he would come the next day but he did not. Dad payed all the bills in the hospital,. The nurses knew I was waiting for my supposed to be husband and they know he did not come. I find myself imbecile and miserbleI. I wish I could disappear so I would no longer feel any grief. I want to kill myself and left my son with someone better hands. I said I couldn't, I'm such a mistake that is why he left. I badly need a hug from the right person so I made a way to open words of sorrow with my mom. She told me everything I needed to hear and I told her everything that I wanted to say. I thought that was really stupid for still loving him after he left me but Mom said that its okay, it takes time and I need to fight for my son. she is with me and Dad is with me and she loves us more than anything or anyone in the world just like how I felt when I saw my son. Xepher Marley looks like the little version of choi I knew he would be.
It takes a lot of couarage for me to ask his family and friends but I have to. I deserve an explanation! I asked his Uncle and surprisingly they don't have any idea like as if they care. then I asked his friends I asked Ely to call Choi land line number at home, his Grand Ma answered saying she thought he was with me cause he is not there I dont know what to believe It felt like they are fan of playing offensive games. I asked Karl about it good thing he had some information, he confirmed that Choi runaway with dimps but I was not contented I have to ask people who are really close to him at first it dont felt right until without doubts I Pmed Nicx.
Me: Nicx totoo ba naglayas si choi kasama si dimps?
Nicx: Oo nabasa mo naba letter niya sayo?
Me: Anong Letter?
