Clean Slate » a.i. au

Twenty-Four

         "Okay," I say under my breath, "what's the worst thing that could happen, really? I mean he'd just-"

         I stop my pacing around the room as yet another wave of tears washes over me, making me sit down on the couch with my head in my hands as I think about just what the worst thing that could happen might be. Thank God for waterproof makeup, otherwise I'd be looking like a raccoon right now.

         And this whole day, actually. And the night before.

         God, just thinking about the night before, how I felt, how I cried so hard that it made me want to throw up- I don't know how, but thankfully, I ended up waking up without puffy, red eyes or skin, and I managed to talk to Ashton over the phone just fine. It was great, until I started crying again about an hour after leaving my bed. I have no idea where I found the strength to prepare dinner, clean the whole apartment, dress up nice and put on makeup without fucking anything up- then again, when I think about it, I was crying through all of those tasks, so I didn't even notice time passing.

         My lungs nearly give out as I hear soft, but quick knocking on the door of my dorm- he's here. And I'm a complete mess.

         I tap the skin under my eyes with the napkin in my hand, careful not to wipe off any concealer that's hiding the fact that I've been doing this for twenty four hours straight, and rush to the mirror beside the door; alright, I brushed my hair until it fell in neat curls, neither my blouse nor my skirt are crumpled, my makeup is intact. Everything is intact.

         Just as long as I don't keep falling apart on the inside, at least while he's here.

         I take a deep breath as I toss the napkin into the bin under the mirror, and my cold hand wraps around the doorknob- Jesus, I've been so numb that my hand is purple and I haven't even noti-

         "Hey, you," Ashton grins breathily as I pull the door open, enveloping me in his arms before I've gotten a chance to react to his appearance. "Missed you."

         "I missed you too," I mumble against his shirt, his familiar, warm scent soothing my brain instantly. "Come on in."

         "You got your stuff packed?"

         I close my eyes, squeezing my jaw in an attempt to stop the tears from gathering in my eyes at the thought that I was supposed to leave this place tonight with him, and how excited I'd been about it – right until last night. When I'm confident that I've gained enough composure, I look at him to see him looking at me, his green eyes matching the shirt he's wearing, worry already etched into them.

         "Lucy?"

         Do I tell him now, while we're standing at the entrance to my dorm, before he's even sat down from an hour long drive, just so he could see me?

         "No, uh... Ashton, let's-let's sit down."

         "What's going on?" he grabs my arm as I'm walking past him, not too tight but enough to stop me from leaving him at the door.

         "Let's just sit down first, please."

         His grip loosens and I take that as a cue to continue my way towards the square table in the middle of the small room, two plates with lasagna waiting for us, I even got the fancy napkins and a candle in the middle. And despite all that, I can already feel this evening going to shit.

         I sit down, and I see him slowly but surely joining me too; he doesn't take his eyes off me, I can feel them burning in the side of my head even though I'm only seeing him with the corner of my eyes, and I keep ignoring him. "Okay, you want anything to drink? We have coke and wine, I can also make you coffee or tea."