Clean Slate » a.i. au

Twenty-Two

         Walking down the hallway of the dormitory where I'd lived for over a year feels surreal; I'm passing by all these people, some familiar and some even more familiar, and it feels like I've gone back in time. I've even had a few people wave at me and in return I smiled back- and it really feels like I've gone back in time, to my first year in college, the first time I saw this place, the first time I met the same girl that is going to be my roommate once again in less than a minute.

         The first time I followed Ashton down this same hallway, while he carried my bags and, naturally, walked too fast for me to keep up.

         Speaking of him, this morning is pretty much the first time I saw him since our little scandal in the hospital almost a week ago. That same day he had to start meeting up with people, not being home all day long, getting his tour stuff in order before he and the guys would take off.

         And that day, coincidentally, is today.

         Which gives us enough time for him to help me move back to my dorm and get me ready for the last month of this semester – I don't even want to think about how I missed the first two – however, there's not enough time for us to talk my decision through. Hell, we've not had enough time to talk at all. We've probably said five words in total to each other over the past six days.

         He was angry about me choosing university over him, to say the least, and there was no time over the past week for me to explain myself either. This miscommunication mess is and forever will be causing the destruction of our relationship.

         The thing that's making me sick to my stomach as I walk past these people, every now and then losing sight of Ashton, is the fact that as of today, there is no relationship. There is nothing that miscommunication can keep ruining. This is it, I'm going to keep studying to become a journalist and he's going to tour the world. And that's it. That's it, almost three years we've been together and today is the definite end.

         Despite saying that over and over in my head- I can't really make the words sink into my brain. Like there's still some kind of hope left in me and I want to die for feeling it. I got more time with Ashton than I'd ever deserved, and I can't seem to help but want more. I know it's not good, first and foremost for him, but I want him and I want us.

         And I want to die.

         "Okay, we're here."

         I snap out of my train of thoughts as I hear him speak, my eyes burning as I blink- who knows how long I'd walked without blinking at all. Who knows how many people saw me and thought that I looked as if I'd seen a ghost.

         "Um..." I close my eyes and rub my face with one hand, "okay, do you have the key?"

         Without answering, he rummages through the right pocket of his denim jacket, pulling out a single key that's attached to a small dolphin keychain that he bought me when I started college. An even more intense feeling of nausea sets in my stomach at some of the memories from that time- God, nothing had to turn out like this. Everything that happened was so unnecessary, all of our misery was unnecessary and I will never forgive myself for that.

         He opens the door and walks in first, standing beside the door to leave my bags on the floor while I walk in myself; no, nope, this was not meant to be a good day from the start. I could feel the first waves of nostalgia and plain sadness at the mere sight of the campus and this building, it was bound to get worse and worse from there.

         "Do you recognize this place?"

         And of course, Ashton hasn't the slightest clue that memories have been flooding my head and vision for the past twenty minutes. As far as he's concerned, I'm looking around because the place is new and interesting to me, and not because every inch of this place has a story to it.