I Love You and I'm Sorry

End

Trigger Warning: mental health problems, implied suicidal thoughts

To everyone else, the day felt like it had been about a thousand hours long, but in Jake's mind, the days just blended into each other. He'd given up on trying to sort out what was when. The calendar in his bedroom still had October written on it. It was December. 

At last, he collapsed onto his bed, not bothering to brush his teeth or change clothes. Even his jacket was still on. He had only stopped to kick off his shoes. 

"Hey Jake!" He heard Amy call. He found himself ignoring her.

A few minutes later, he heard a soft knock on their bedroom door as Amy whispered his name. She found him in a heap under the covers. 

"Jake, come on. Property Brothers is on," she giggled.  When Amy wasn't met with a response, she grabbed the blanket and swiftly pulled it over Jake's face, expecting to see a bright smile. But his face was completely blank.

"Jake, why aren't you answering me?" Amy questioned, her face still light but her tone betraying a note of worry.

"I was asleep," he lied.

"Your clothes are still on."

Jake rolled over to face the wall, "Look, just go watch without me. I'm tired." 

Amy frowned, "Okay, fine."

* * *

Obviously, Amy did not watch Property Brothers (or any HGTV, for that matter) without Jake. As easy as it was for open-concept kitchens to seduce her, she was a loyal wife. Even then, she couldn't help but feel guilty, though she wasn't totally sure why. She couldn't really process her feelings when she was doing her best to ignore them.

As the guilt finally began to subside, the thought occurred to her that she hadn't even tried. Jake had been acting strangely for a while now. He didn't eat as much as he used to, well, except when he was eating way more than normal, and they hadn't had sex in forever. And, worrying her more than other things, she couldn't remember the last time she heard him laugh, not a real one, anyway. But despite all that, she hadn't even bothered to ask if he was okay. The realization caused tears to fall.

She quickly wiped them away, walking to the bathroom to get ahold of herself. She had work the next day, and it was almost 1 in the morning. Splashing cold water over her face, she took a deep breath and crawled into bed next to Jake. I should ask him how he's doing again, give him a hug, anything. She reached over to take his hand, only to find that he was fast asleep. 

At least, she thought he was. 

* * *

Amy's breathing steadied within 5 minutes, that's how Jake knew she had fallen asleep. He tried to sit up and clear his head, but his arms turned to jelly the second they tried to push him up, and his head felt like a sack of bricks. He winced quietly at the sharp pain in his skull, which quickly transformed into a dull, unyielding ache. All he could think was that it hurt so bad, not his head, but him. Tears streamed down his face, but he fought the urge to let a sound come out. The last thing he wanted was to wake Amy. I've bothered her enough already.

He stayed like that for a long time.

Like a single hanging lightbulb flickering on in a pitch dark room, an idea came to Jake.

Initially, Jake thought that the feeling it brought him was hope. But this wasn't a light at the end of the tunnel. He didn't see a better place to run to, not a next chapter to read. If this had really been hope, he would've been inspired by the possibility of a brighter future. 

Instead, he was comforted by the prospect of an end.